Contractions?

So, the last couple of days have brought me with what I think are real contractions. My lower back just aches, and it will radiate to my lower front of my stomach. It isn't super painful, but it is uncomfortable. They will be consistent for an hour or two, then stop. Assuming I make it to my Dr. appt Monday, I am wondering if they will check me and see if I have made any progress. I will be very disappointed if I haven't though, and wonder what in the world these stupid contractions are doing!

NYE is tonight. Last year we were at the Husemann's (Cassie and Matt's), and we thought it was going to be our last New Year's as just the two of us. I remember our excitement and anticipation for January 11, our first ultrasound and seeing our baby for the first time and finding out if we were having a boy or girl. I remember posting on facebook about being so excited for 2010 and what the year would bring. It makes me feel nervous about being excited, still, about Brynn being here. I know statistics are with us at this point, but I still can't whole-heartedly believe it until I see it. I woke up last night at like 5am, and couldn't fall back asleep. Insomnia has hit hard the last few weeks. Anyway, my mind begins racing, and thinking things I shouldn't think about-- such as all the things that could possibly go wrong from now until delivery, and reasons why Brynn could not survive. Those of you reading this who have not experienced a loss such as Dan and I have had may think it is dumb and not understand, that is fine. But it is how I feel, and a reality. However, I don't dwell on it. I acknowledge the thoughts... and let it go until they come again. It is reassuring to feel her rolling around trying to break out of my stomach :o) I am sure she is as uncomfortable as I am! I feel bad at night when i try to get comfortable on my side, and I feel her kicking me, since I am sure it squishes her!

As far as NYE plans for tonight, we were supposed to go to the Wild game, but being on bedrest those plans had to change. My mom and dad are going though, so I am excited for them! I hope it is a good game! We are having our neighbors/ friends over tonight, Keri and Matt, for appetizers and company. They have a springer spaniel, Chloe, that Kolby and Maia love, so they will bring her over, too! The dogs then will have fun :)

I am really hoping these contractions I am having progress into the real deal soon! I want to meet Brynn, be off bedrest, and get my body back to myself!! Hope you all have a Happy New Year, and be safe!

Another Week, Another Dr. Visit

Saturday marked the beginning of week 3 of bedrest. I know I shouldn't complain, because there are lots of women who are on bedrest a lot longer than I will be, but oh man. It is so not fun! This last weekend, Dan and I celebrated Christmas Eve just the two of us. It actually wasn't so bad. We were both bummed and felt weird about not being around family. Dan made prime rib, cheesy potatoes, and yorkshire pudding. Wowza-- it was amazing. probably the best meal he has ever made me. I even downed a whole bottle of Welchs Sparkling Grape Juice :o) We sat down for dinner, and watched A Christmas Story. Dan and I watch it every Christmas Eve together, we both love the movie.

Dan and I also exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. I got a new Wild jersey-- since the one I have is their old green one, and a Parrish jersey, and he unfortunatly is long gone. Dan got me the red one, and its Clutterbuck. He is an enforcer, like I am on the soccer field :o)

Christmas Day was really nice. We spent the whole day at my parents with the OK from my doctor. My parents got Dan and I a video camera! SO NICE! We are all prepared now to document Brynn's first year. Hopefully Dan will ge tthe hang of it and we film some cool stuff. Suzie, Steve, and Chris also came over since I couldn't go anywhere, so it was SO good to see them too. It is just so nice being around family. Murphy Christmas was also drama free, and anyone who knows my Irish tempered family, knows that is an accomplishment, so it was just a wonderful day! :o) I sat in the La-Z-Boy recliner all day next to the fire. Maia on my lap, it was wonderful.

Sunday brought a lot of to-dos being crossed off the list. Dan got everything hung on Brynn's wall... laundry put away, bedding washed, swing put together, and the pack 'n play set up in our bedroom all ready for Brynn. Our hospital bag is all set, all we need is a baby! I will post pics of the nursery when Dan gets the glider set up, and it will officially be all done!

Today marekd my appx 37 week appt-- technically not 37 weeks until Wednesday. My blood pressure was ok, at 137/84. Brynn passed her NST and BPP with flying colors. I asked the u/s tech- Jen (our fav one)- if she has hair, and she does, a ton! It was so cool to see. Because my blood pressure is not super high, and no protein in urine, it doesn't sound like as of now I will be induced before 39 weeks. I have mixed feelings, after having a loss, I just want her here. I know not a lot of people understand that, and say she should stay in as long as possible, and I know that. However, I just want her in my arms, and to know I will bring her home. We are looking at an induction to help with that, and my anxiety. I don't want to have her on the same day I had Elizabeth.

Let's see.... other than that, not much. I am enjoying Dan being done with school probably as much as he is. Having home cooked meals has been so wonderful. Tonight, polish and potatoes!

Pain...

Seriously. I don't know if it is because Brynn is sitting so low and has dropped, but any time I move my legs, let alone walk, I am not sore, I am in pain! It takes such an effort to change positions. It feels like someone beat the crap out of my pelvis, or if I must say it, crotch. The things we women go through. I know it is all worth it, but have been having greater and greater anxiety as we get closer... afraid something is going to go wrong. I just want her here to know we actually are going to take a healthy baby home.

As far as bedrest goes, it sucks. The only good thing about it is honestly, I can't imagine working and being as uncomfrtable and in as much pain as I am in. But the idea of bed rest might sound nice to some people.... but let me tell you... not being able to do anything while being at home, is not fun. There is so much I wish I could do, and can't. It really, really stinks. My appt on Monday apparently showed nothing of concern. NST and BPP went well... they didn't tell me a score or anything, but then again, the nurse I had is my least favorite one at the clinic. I did get permission to go to my mom's for Christmas Day, as long as I lay down and get waited on... I think the fact my blood pressure had dropped to 138/84 helped with that.

I have been really emotional this week... whether it is due to the bedrest, pregnancy, the idea of being a mom and a baby being on the way... I don't know. I just have so many emotions. I think not knowing when she will be here adds to the stress to!

Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas.

Brynn could be here in two weeks!

35 weeks today, and I am on day 5 of bedrest. I am getting really antsy. I know all the stuff that needs to be done around the house before Brynn gets here, and I can't do it! I hate having to rely on other people for most things. During the day, I am alone, so I have no one to help get me things/ let the dogs out... so I hope that is ok.

I haven't posted about my Dr. appt on Monday morning, so why don't I begin there. I was very anxious Sunday night about my appt. I was wondering if I would have the ultrasound we were supposed to have, if I would have lower blood pressure, if I was going to be going back to work. My appt started off with getting my weight and blood pressure. I actually had lost 2 pounds since Friday. My blood pressure though was even higher than it was Friday- 177/94. Kind of scary. After that, I met with my nurse, discussed how I have been feeling, and weighted for the u/s tech to bring me into the u/s room. I thought I was just having a growth ultrasound, to see how big she was... but it ended up being that I was getting a biophysical profile done. I guess they watch her movements and practice breathing as well. She was measuring 5 lbs 14 oz, and super active!

After my scan, the second part of the testing was the non-stress test. I had this done a couple of weeks ago when I went in because I was not feeling her move as much, so I knew what to expect. Again, I just had no idea I was having it done today. Apparently, they give baby a score based on the outcome of the biophysical profile (BPP) and the non-stress test (NST). So, I laid down, they put the monitors on my tummy, and just record her heart rate over the course of a half hour. What they look for is a certain amount of spikes in her heart rate while she is moving to show she is getting enough oxygen and blood from the placenta. The nurse also took my blood pressure again after I had been laying down for about an hour, and went down to 131/77. The nurse left the room and Dan just said, well, I guess you will be put on bed rest. He made that prediction just by seeing how much my blood pressure went down after laying down for a while.

After the NST was done, the nurse came back in and said Baby looked great! So she said she was going to send the Dr. in to discuss results and our plan. Dr. Ahnaya was the Dr. on duty. He told me the baby gets a scored based on the tests, and they say she needs to score a 6/10 in order to stay cooking in me. Brynn scored a 10/10, so that was very good! So for now, he said that she is better off in me then out, and the high blood pressure is for now only affecting me, and not the baby. He then told Dan and I that he would be surprised if I carried her past 37 weeks. This would put us at the week after Christmas! 2 weeks from today! He then went on to explain to me that I would be on strict bedrest til delivery.... no working, no cleaning, nothing.

Dan and I are very confident in the care we are getting at the perinatal clinic at United. I am still worried about something happening to Brynn, and us not bringing her home, but trying not to dwell on it. The more active she is, the more uncomfortable I am.... but confident she is ok. When she isn't as active, I get really worried.

Dan is done with grad school tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it and am so excited. We will have a life again! Unfortunalty we wont be able to take advantage of getting out in the next two weeks.... but can stay curled up at home on the couch while he is taking care of me :) On the to do list this weekend is getting our hospital bag packed, getting the dresser put together, washing the baby clothes, and putting the car seat in the car. I want the hospital bad and car seat ready, because on Monday when I go in for my next test, there is a possibility that I be induced then. We wont know! For now, I am going to be going in once a week to get checked on and to go through those tests. Thanks to everyone who has been so generous to us already! We have some of the best friends and family!!

Bedrest?

Well, I ended up going into the Dr. on Friday after work. I had been feeling nauseous all week, had headaches on and off, and just put it off to getting a cold. Well, Thursday night, I was as swollen as I have ever been. I just figured I would go to sleep, wake up, and it would be down like it normally is. Friday morning, it did go down, but was still swollen. I didn't think much of it, and headed off to work.

I was showing a video in class on Friday,so I knew I would be able to sit down all day. By lunch, my hands were like what I like to call The Nutty Professor hands (if you have seen that movie)., and my feet/ ankles were ginormous. My face was even super swollen, I could just feel it. I knew I had a Dr.appt scheduled for this Wed., but thought I maybe should call in just to see if they wanted me to come in before then.

I called up the office, and talked to a nurse. She asked me my symptoms and I just told her about my swelling. She then asked about other symptoms such as nausea... and it all clicked. Yes, nausea, headaches, swelling, had it all. She said she definitely wanted me to come in after work to get my blood pressure checked and have some other tests done. I knew my blood pressure had been going up, and I had some periods of rapid weight gain, so pre-eclampsia was on my mind.

I got into the clinic and they were so quick. Got me in, checked my weight and blood pressure. I had gained 3 lbs since the last time I was in, and my blood pressure was 144/92! My urine test came back with no protein in it though, which was good. We then were just waiting for my blood tests to come back-- they checked my platelette level and liver enzymes.

While we were waiting for those results, the nurse told me what may happen based on the results. I may be allowed to go home, no restrictions. I may be able to go home, but on bedrest, I may have to stay in the hospital, and they may want to take the baby out ASAP. As we waited, I got to see Brynn, she is head down--yay! She was super active like she usually is. I laid in the OB room waiting for Dr. Mills to come in and tell me what the plan is. When she came in, she kept saying "If we let you go home today..." I was worried I would be spending the night in the hospital.

Finally, the results were done and my blood tests came back in the normal range. This meant I was allowed to go home, but on strict bedrest. Blah. They said I was to come back first thing Monday morning, get rechecked, and they will decide then if I can go back to work. Since I had an ultrasound and OB check scheduled for Wed., I asked if I could just do all that when I came in on Monday. OB, no problem. They scheduled me for the ultrasound, and I am first in line, however, if someone has an emergency and needs one, they get priority. I am hoping we are a go, and have our last big ultrasound tomorrow!

SO I am anxious for tomorrow, not worried anxious really, but just want to know where we are at with my health, and anxious about whether or not we will get to have our ultrasound. I will update as soon as I can. I am a bit concerned, just because I am still swollen, have had headaches, and felt nauseous this weekend despite taking it easy-- so we shall see!

34 Weeks

Well to start off, Birth Class. That hit me a lot harder than I thought it would emotionally. We were fine.... I was fine... UNTIL we had to watch the labor and birth video. When the mother in the video delivered her baby and she was put on her chest, I lost it. My only experience with natural childbirth was delivering my baby and her not being alive. It was a very sad, depressing memory. Not a joyful one. I walked out of the classroom, burst into tears, and sat in the bathroom until I could pull myself together. I was not expecting that to happen. On top of that, everyone in the room is a first time parent... innocent... and I just kind of felt out of place. We headed to lunch at Cosetta's, and that was nice, and we had the afternoon to look forward to.

In the afternoon, we had the tour of the birth center. This was not a new place for us, since we delivered Elizabeth there, and my clinic is right there too. I was nervous about how I would feel since the last time we were there was when we delivered. Sure enough, we walk past the room she was born in, and I literally lost my breath. I could not catch it. I fought back tears so hard since we were in a group setting, and pulled myself together. It felt so surreal. Our tour finished looking at the nursery and seeing all the newborns... and that made me emotional just wanting so bad to have Brynn here and healthy. I can't wait!

Dan and I have one more class tomorrow... on Breastfeeding. I want him to come so he understands how much work it is going to entail, and how difficult it can be. I am glad he is willing to come with me for support.

Onto pregnancy! Holy indegestion. I went to chipotle last night, stuffed my face, and paid for it. I woke up at 3 am feeling like I had food sitting in my throat, heartburn, and felt miserable. I couldn't lay down. I ended up not falling back asleep until at least 4:30, needing to wake up at 5:30. When I woke up I was so hungry, and felt a little better, but it came back with a vengence. It bothered me ALL DAY. Right now I just have heartburn...hope that goes away.

I am also so sick of people asking "How much longer?" and me responding January and their response being "Whoa. You still have that long to go??" IT IS NOT THAT LONG! SIX WEEKS! I HAVE BEEN THROUGH 34! Thanks for letting me know though how huge I look, like I don't know that already. I know I vented about this in another post, but seriously people. Have some courtesy.

Other than that, Brynn has been kicking the crap out of me today... and it hurts! There isn't that much room and it feels like she is trying to kick and punch herself out. I can't WAIT to not be pregnant, and to have her here with us!

Overwhelmed.

Brynn was breeched today :( I gained 6 lbs in 2 weeks :( :( I have SO much to get done before she is born, and it is SO HARD with Dan having school.... sitting on the floor and trying to put stuff together is so hard, and we don't have enough room in this stupid house. I want to move... and that is put on hold since student loans will kick in for him and he pays way more than should be allowed to for school. I am not having a good day, and feel really down in the dumps. On top of it, I don't even have Dan to talk to since he is gone at class tonight and tomorrow, and gets home, eats, watches TV, while I am in bed. I am feeling sorry for myself tonight, I know that, but I don't care. I feel so alone.

My whole body aches and hurts, none of my clothes fit and I don't want to waste money buying new ones, and the thought of having to lose all this baby weight from this pregnancy and Elizabeth is so overwhelming. The only thing keeping me somewhat sane is keeping my eye on the prize... holding Brynn in hopefully 7 weeks.

Sorry for the depressing post.... hopefully my mood improves this week. We do have our birth class on Saturday, hopefully that helps.... :-/

Another week....

This week marks 33 weeks! 4 weeks from being considered full term! Each day is full of more and more anticipation. I just can't wait to meet her, and have her here, yet have no idea what it truly will be like to be a mom.

Thanksgiving was nice. Full of food and family, and not without its drama :) But overall, a success. This was the first year we really didn't have leftovers to bring home. I was bummed about that. We were at my parents for most of the day, and went over to Dan's mom's to visit for the evening. Friday my sisters went out shopping, but there was no way I was about to join them! Dan and I went and got our Christmas Tree, and did some stuff around the house. It was a nice relaxing day. I have been having issues with my computer, but when I get a pic of the tree, I will try to get it posted. The tree fits perfectly in its spot :) Dan cooked chili Friday as well. We had it to feed my family for when they came down and helped on Saturday with the baby room!

Saturday my mom, dad, and sister made their way over to our house and helped out so much. Dan and I are so lucky we have the family support we have. My mom took the lead on the painting. We painted it a pale yellow, and it is perfect! The room looks so bright! It matches perfectly. I can't wait until it is completely done. I went out and bought a dresser yesterday that Dan needs to still take out of my car :) and put together. Once that is done, I can start organizing clothes and washing them. The last big purchase we need for the room is a chair. Then of course decorating the walls... and it will be all set! Dan and my dad put the crib and changing table together-- they look great!

Brynn has been moving SO MUCH the last few days. It is crazy to sit and watch my stomach move. She is so strong. I am curious if I am going to have one more ultrasound-- I am hoping to find out tomorrow at my Dr. appt. if I will have one more. It is hard to believe that my due date is right around the corner.

That is really all for right now. Maia loves resting her head on my big tummy, and she is as I type this, and Brynn is just kicking away and Maia is not even phased. It is funny :) Shannon is moving home on Sunday, and that will be so awesome. She starts a new job Dec. 6, and can't be more excited for her to be living back home.

I will update either tomorrow or Wednesday about my Dr. appt. Have a good week! :o)

Happy Thanksgiving!

8 weeks left... 5 until I am full term! Wowzer! I cannot wait :o) I am so ready to have my body back, and my little girl in my arms! I am feeling very pregnant and uncomfortable. If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked me how I was feeling, I would be rich! :) I don't really know how to best answer that question-- other than saying "pregnant." I definitly don't feel good.

I had my 2nd shower on Sunday! Again it was so nice and Dan and I are so spoiled. My aunt threw it for me. We now have most of our big items. Dan and I cleaned out what will be Brynn's room last weekend, and now we will soon have a place to put all these wonderful gifts! My mom and sister are going to help paint Saturday... and hopefully get the crib put together and set up. All we need left to buy for the room is a rocking chair and our dresser. I can't wait until it is all done!

I ended up calling my Drs office yesterday-- I had an anxiety filled day. Brynn hadn't been moving as much as she had been, so I began to get nervous. I called in, and they wanted me to come in right away for a non-stress test. It consisted of them hooking my belly up to two monitors-- one for babys heartbeat and one to monitor if I was contracting. All looked great though! It was fun to hear her heartbeat, and see how it went up everytime she moved. It was good for my piece of mind. If I hadn't called, I would have been worried all this Thanksgiving weekend. I am proud of myself for making it to 32 weeks before having to go in to the Dr. I thought I would have to a lot more, but have managed my anxiety well.

As I get closer and closer to when she is suppose to be here, I get more nervous. I think because I am more and more attached, and so afraid to have her ripped away again, like Elizabeth was. I am still trying to convince myself we are going to take her home. When I look at all the things we have gotten, I am so afraid we will have it all and no baby to go along with it. I sit and daydream about life with her, what she will look like, what her personality will be like, how Dan will be with her. I hope I will be a good mom, and know what to do. It is very overwhelming to think of it all... but I am so excited and ready for it.

We are going to my parents for Thanksgiving tomorrow, should be nice. I am hoping Dan and I will get a tree on Friday-- we are getting a real one this year, less work for me :) Our fake one is awesome, but so tedious to put together/ take down, and I don't want to have to worry about doing that!

Dan is done with grad school Dec. 22!!! We will have a life again, and I can't wait! Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! Be safe with all this snow!

31 Weeks!

Just wanted to post a quick since I had an appt yesterday. Baby is looking good! I got to see her quick, and the nurse commented on how she has my lips-- aka they are big:) She is head down, and I hope she stays that way! My blood pressure is still high, but nothing where they need to be concerned yet. My weight is distgustingly high... and I have never been so motivated to work out!! I can't wait. I am now into appts. every 2 weeks, so my next one will be on Nov 30th.

Lastly-- comments people make. Seriously?! I don't feel like I am too big for where I am, I am right on pace. My Doctors aren't concerned. So please.. I don't need to hear comments on how huge I am, how I look like I am going to pop, asking if I am sure I am not having twins.... etc. Please. WHY would these comments/ questions ever be ok?! I am in pain daily due to being pregnant, the last thing I need is a stupid comment from someone about how huge I am. *Vent Over*

Another shower Sunday! Also beginning on the room-- hopefully to finish over Thanksgiving with the help of my mom! :o)

Acid Reflux

As I am writing this, all I am thinking about is how this acid reflux is no fun. I don't know if it is from what I had for lunch-- Goulash thanks to Nick :)-- or my stomach being smashed and Brynn moving constatnly and forcing my stomach acid into the back of my throat! All I keep asking myself is if I would be better off going and getting sick in the toilet... if I would feel better, because right now it is not a good feeling.

So Satuday.... where do I begin?!?! What a day! Murphy's Law-- of course it was going to be the first snow, and a HUGE snow at that! My shower was at 11 am at Amy's house. She lives in Cottage Grove. I woke up Saturday morning from not being able to sleep at about 6 am-- looked out the window, and could not believe all the snow that was already on the ground! I didn't think it was suppose to begin until later in the afternoon. My first thought was Shannon-- oh crap. She was trying to get on an 8am flight from Chicago. Her flight ended up being delayed, and then when they reached Mpls., had to circle around a few times before they could land. She made it, but it was close! I had two friends not able to make it due to the weather, but was so happy that everyone else weathered the storm and made it! Jodi drove down from Elk River, and Amber drove in on Friday night from West Bend, WI (near Milwaukee). It was so nice to see her, it had been way too long. I ended up being about 45 min late to my own shower... but the weather was why. My friend Kat met at my house so we could drive together. Made it here just fine, but got stuck of course right in front of my house. With a few little tricks, and about 20-25 minutes later, we got her out of the road and parked into the parking in front of my house. I still had to drive to Amys, and pick up my sisters at my parents house. By this point, the roads were plowed on the way, and traffic wasn't bad. I just drove slow.

The shower was so perfect! Amy and Sara did such a great job hosting. The food was wonderful-- brunch themed. The cakes were delicious. The games we played were fun too! I hadn't played either of them before. We played one with candy bars... there were pictures of a bunch of different types on a poster board. Amy read things such as "Breastfeeding", and we had to shoose from the candy bars which on fit the descriptions. In that case, it would be Milky Way. So fun. The other game was a string game... everyone had to measure a piece of string/ ribbon and have it fit the closest around my belly. That was fun too!

I got some great things for Brynn, and best of all, it was just so nice to catch up with everyone and just chat!! I truly am blessed with some amazing friends in my life.

Tomorrow is my 31 week appt. From here on out I will be going every 2 weeks Dr. said. I am curious how my blood pressure will be, since it has been high... and what they will say about that. I am also curious to find out if she has flipped yet and is head down. I feel like she is... based on where her hiccups have been-- and she has been getting them so much lately!!

I will update after the doc tomorrow if there is anything significant to report. I also forgot my camera for my shower since I was in such a hurry trying to get out of the hosue and to Amy's... so hopefully Amy/ Sara can give me some to post on here :)

Not much has changed...

... since last post. I am still feeling the same. Very achy, hard to roll over in bed and lifting my legs to resituate is a chore! I moan and groan everytime I have to move... so it is a good thing Dan is a sound sleeper!

Brynn is so very active, and getting very strong! There are some days when it hurts when she moves... and seeing my belly move around and hiccups are now an everyday occurence. It will be interesting to see on Tuesday what position she is in and if she has flipped since my last appt... I think her head is down based on where I have felt her hiccuping.

I have my first baby shower tomorrow! That is super exciting. I will post pics (If I allow me to be in any) afterwards. It will be high school friends and some friends from college. Hopefully the snow we are predicted to get doesn't cause it to be a bust! My sister is flying in, and my good friend Amber is making the trip from Wisconsin! I have some of the best friends ever! :o)

There is just a little update on life. Just so excited for her to be here-- even though so much to get done before then. Sometimes I still have a hard time believing it is all going to happen and fall into place... actually most of the time that is how I feel. I can't wait to have her in my arms. Have a good weekend!

Feeling huge.... really.... how can I possibly get bigger??

The title of today's entry is exactly how I have been feeling. I just got back from Miami on Monday night, and if I didn't feel huge before I left, I definitly do now. After seeing pictures of me, and looking at myself in a bathing suit. Wow. Dan was laughing at me too.... thanks honey. I obviously want this little one to cook until she is healthy, but come 37 weeks, I will not mind at all if she decides to make an appearance. I am always early for things, so hopefully she will be too!

My back has been killing me. My feet are swollen... my legs are swollen too! I just am looking bigger and bigger everyday. My appetite is unmanagable.

Brynn was breech at my last appt... so I am hoping she flips or we can get her to turn before the big day. Of course what is most important is for her to be healthy... and me of course, but the idea of a c-section is not pleasing to me. I want this birth to be as "normal" as it can be. I want to experience that.

Miami was good. Exhausting, and I now know I don't ever want to have to fly at 28-29weeks pregnant. Not enjoyable. Traveling in itself isn't as fun. I was so tired and didn't want to walk around a lot, especially in the heat. Since Dan had night class last week Mon-Wed night, I left early Thursday morning and came back Monday night at like 9:15, then Dan had night class last night and tonight, so I FINALLY get to see him tomorrow night.... only for him to make me a hunting widow this weekend :( I can't begin to put into words how excited I am for him to be done with school. I can't imagine how he feels.

My next Dr. appt is Tuesday, Nov 16. I will be about 31 weeks. Then I begin my every 2 week appts!! I can't believe it! This weekend I am hoping to really make a dent in the baby room... my first shower is coming up on the 13th, and I need to make some room!

I will leave you with some of my favorite pictures from our last ultrasound. Who do you think she looks more like? Me or Dan?? :o)

Another Week....Another Milestone...

Yesterday we had our 28 week appt. The Dr. had scheduled us for an ultrasound for growth and my glucose test to see if I had developed gestational diabetes. I was anxious for my appt, but an excited anxious. Now that I can feel her move so much, that helps.

My appt was at 1, and they got us in and out of there so fast! Usually they are behind schedule, but we were in the ultrasound room before 1... and out of there by 2:30! Dan wasn't even at the hospital yet when I got brought into the room. Once I got in, they gave me the gross sweet drink for the GD test... then Dan got there, and then our ultrasound began! This was the first time we had an ultrasound tech other than Jen-- she is the one we have gone to all along, she did our ultrasound with Elizabeth, knows our history, and it had been so nice having her for every u/s. I was assuming I would have someone different, but Jen was so concerned about me she made sure she talked to this ultrasound tech- Patty- about us and gave her some background on us. We are just so lucky to be at a place where they take such good care of us and are SO understanding. I love it.

So our ultrasoundw as great! Brynn was moving all over, and loves to put her hands in her mouth already. We even caught a smile!! Since I had an hour to wait for my blood to be drawn for the glucose test, she had some fun with the 3d ultrasound and we got some great pictures!!! She was awesome. I definitly think Brynn has my lips and my nose...she totally looks like a Murphy. It will be fun to see who she really looks more like, me or Dan, when she is born.

Dr. Mills was the Dr. we saw at our appt, and she is also the Dr.that delivered Elizabeth. It was good to see her again. She was so excited for us, and I am sure fun for her to see us with everything going so well.

I got the results of my test today, and I passed with flying colors!! I was so glad. However, getting all of these "normal" results and constant good news makes me worried that something is just going to come crashing down. I am flying to Miami tomorrow morning, and anyone that knows me knows I HATE flying. I am so nervous that something is going to happen. I am so close to having this baby girl, and afraid something is going to go terribly wrong. I hope this doesn't ruin my trip... that happened in San Diego...but at least I don't have to worry about earthquakes! I also am trying to think about the great food!! I am a homebody, and am going to miss Dan A LOT and hate flying without him, but Tania and I know how to have a good time!!

Let's see.... that is it for now. Hopefully I return healthy and in one piece... we get in Monday night, so expect and update next Tuesday or the usual Wednesday!

Enjoy the cold and snow flurries! I will be on the b each in 85 degree weather tomorrow :)

3rd Trimester!

It is hard for me to believe I am at 27 weeks today. It seemed as though I would never get here. If the baby was delivered at this point, she has an 85% chance of being born with no long term effects. Sometimes it is still hard to imagine her being here, and having an actual baby. I don't think it will truly sink in until I actually have her in my arms. Everything still seems surreal. It is really hard to explain.

For example, sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I have always looked like this, and just look fat, and then I look closer and remind myself it is obvious I am pregnant. I don't just look fat, I have a nice round belly with a healthy baby girl in it!

We are pretty sure we are set on a name.... unless when she is born Dan and I look at her and think she doesn't look like one... but as of right now, we will be naming her Brynn Elizabeth. I just love it, and think it is so pretty.

She is so active. The movement I feel is so different than how I imagined it to feel. I thought it would be more poke-like.... it is hard to explain what it feels like. But it is nothing like I had imagined it to feel. Sometimes she moves in places that feels uncomfortable, and I know that will only get worse as she gets bigger and stronger! I feel so big now, and it is hard to imagine I have 3 more motnhs to go!

MEA is this week! I have tomorrow and Friday off of work... and had big plans to get some stuff done with Brynn's room-- since I have done NOTHING-- but already have Thursday booked up, a wedding on Saturday in Mankato, so that leaves me with Friday and Sunday afternoon,we are spending the night in kato so driving home on Sunday morning.

Tuesday, Oct. 26 is our ultrasound-- I am so excited to find out how big she is! I hope I pass my glucose test... I am nervous about that. Then on Thursday I will be flying to Miami for a MYP workshop for work. I am excited, but stressed about it. I have to plan for a sub for 3 days, flying 28 weeks pregnant makes me nervous, and I hate flying. I hope everything goes smooth.

Well we are off to dinner with Nick and Brenda. Mexican tonight. I hope my heartburn isn't too bad, it has been really acting up today :(

Uncomfortable

Maybe it is because I have been pregnant for 10 months in the last year.... and have no baby to show for it.... but I am SO ready to be done. I am hoping that is the reason why. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy I can get pregnant, and thank God I am blessed with a healthy baby... so fortunate I am pregnant, But I am just going to vent today. I know it is only going to get worse, which is even more depressing.

Sleep. I think I finally figured out a system that will work- at least for a while. I am putting a feather pillow under my hip, and have my snoodle pillow around me. I haven't been waking up as much during the night the last 2 nights since I have started, so I hope that helps. I did go to the chiropractor finally on Monday-- soccer is over so I had time-- and that could have had an affect as well.

Eating. It is such a chore. Who said enjoy eating whatever you want while you are pregnant????!! I wish. My stomach has to be so squished and small, I eat and the food feels like it is coming back up my throat. It is horrible. Then I get hungry so fast, and I feel like I can't eat. Heartburn, raspy voice, I have an acid reflux thing going on that I finally have a perscripstion for. I called the Drs office yesterday and told them my symptoms, my voice was obvious, and they called it in for me. I was so glad I didn't have to go in. Teaching and having a hoarse voice is not easy.... so I hope it starts getting better.

My next appt is October 26. I will be having my glucose test and another ultrasound... I can't wait to see her. She is so active it is crazy how much my belly moves.

I am getting a bit more nervous for my trip to Miami... 28 weeks pregnant and flying... might be a nightmare. I hope my legs don't swell!

25 Weeks.

I can't believe I am at 25 weeks already! 2 weeks away from the 3rd trimester. I finally had my Dr. appt on Monday, and all is good! Saw baby and scheduled my next appt. I have gained 15 lbs. so far. My next appt is Oct 26, will be about 28 weeks, and I get another big ultrasound! :o) I can't wait to see her again and get some good pics... I am also curious how big she will be. Unfortunatly, I need to take the glucose test that day as well.... so that is not going to be so fun, and I hope I pass.

I have been so tired!! I feel like I have been more tired during the 2nd tri, which could be just because I am at work and not home being lazy all day. I also haven't been sleeping well, which probably isn't helping either. Soccer is already over on Saturday... bittersweet. I miss the girls, but it will be nice as I progress and get bigger to not have to be out on the field! I will also not feel as behind at work.

Dan and I are planning on heading to Target to finish registering on Friday night, so that should be fun! Let's see... not much else is new. I have been feeling good, just tired and not sleeping well. I just can't wait to meet our little girl. I know January will be here right before I know it.

Bulletproof

So.... bad news this week was that my Dr. cancelled my appt on me, so I am going in tomorrow after work. I am always anxious for my appts, so it getting pushed back over the weekend stinks. I am sure everything is fine.... but of course still have irrational fears even though I feel her kick and punch me so much now. I am flying to Miami for a conference over Halloween weekend... SO nervous about flying, especially being 28 weeks pregnant, and just want to be reassured at the docs that it is ok to fly.

Well, my first baby shower has been planned for Novemeber 13th! Two of my best friends, Amy and Sara, are planning and throwing it for me! I am so excited :o) I hope my friends can make it and celebrate with me.

I have been feeling physically pretty good. I get crampy now and then, get nervous, but tell myself it must be normal. Sleeping is on and off, lately my hips are hurting again and I hated that last time I was pregnant, and it is starting up... along with waking up in the middle of the night with leg cramps. I can't wait to lay on my belly again. It will be so nice.

Dan, Faith, me, Suzie, and Steve went to Pine Tree Apple orchard today. We picked out our pumpkins, got some Honeycrisp apples, and other goodies. What a beautiful day for it!

FInally, last week was homecoming at South St. Paul. What a great week it was! It was ended with a flash mob by the amazing teachers we have at SSP during the homecoming pepfest. We did a dance to the song Bulletproof by La Roux. Here is the video... you can barely hear the music because the kids were so loud. It was by far one of the highlights of my teaching career!! :o)

Almost 24 Weeks

I finally had Dan take a picture of me pregnant... I haven't taken any. I don't know why, maybe because I took a few of them with Elizabeth... and I just was afraid of doing it again?? That sounds dumb... but anyway, we took one. Seeing myself in the picture is so different than seeing myself in the mirror. I feel like I actually look pregnant now, not just fat.

Dan and I went to Babies R Us today to begin registering.... yikes. Talk about overwhelming. It was nice to finally get started, and we still need to make it to Target, but we got a start at least. I am hoping this weekend to start cleaning out the room, too.

Not much else to report. She is moving a lot more now... and I have my next appt on Oct. 1-- so hopefully all goes well again.

First Week of School

Well, the first week of school has come and gone. I always have mixed emotions about a new year. I wonder what the kids will be like, will they like science, will they like me as their teacher, will they be well behaved... etc. So far so good. This is a good bunch of kids so far. Of course, they are 8th graders, so you have a few naughty/sneaky ones... but for the most part... such a good group! I always look forward to finally knowing all of the kids names, and building a relationship with them. Once that happens, teaching is even more fun!

Last week I began thinking about not being at school during my maternity leave, and hoping my long term sub does a good job of teaching the kids what they need to know. I like to have things done my way-- especially in my classroom-- and I am beginning to realize I will have to let go while I am gone. I am sure once I have that little girl in my arms, it will be easier... but just something that I have began to think about.

Between soccer and school-- I was so tired everyday. I was in bed my 9... and of course my alarm goes off at 5:30am every morning so I am out the door by 6:30am.

Yesterday was an emotional day. I am not sure why yesterday. I have many more good days than bad days, but yesterday everything just hit me. As I am getting farther and farther along, this is becoming more and more real, and I am so afraid of losing this little girl again. It is so reassuring to feel her ninja kicks ALL the time, but still scary. I just can't wait for January. The first half of my pregnancy went so quick- but at the same time slow- I am hoping this second half goes fast- which I am sure it will since I am back at work and have the holidays to get through.

Dan and I really need to begin registering- which is so overwhelming. I have no idea what bottles to get/ how many/ what types of nipples-- since I am breastfeeding. I hope to not use them that often, but obviously will need to when I am not around and eventually when I go back to work-- if I return before the end of the school year. Between that and getting the bedroom cleaned out and turned into a nursery-- we are going to busy! And I SHOULD be beginning my capstone for grad school. Hopefully once soccer is done.

Speaking of nursery-- I just ordered our bedding for the baby today!! I have had my eye on it for a long time, and I just happened to go on and look at it again today, and it was on sale! So Dan and I decided to order it, and we should have it by the end of the week! It is SO cute.


So tomorrow is the first Monday morning of the school year. Blah. Hopefully this week goes fast, because I am looking forward to next weekend already. My birthday is on Saturday. We are going wedding dress shopping for Shannon, and then we are going to have dinner at Burger Moe's on West 7th-- it is a new restaurant that sounds amazing and my mouth is already watering excited for it. I am sure Dan and I will go there quite a bit during the Wild season, since it is right by the Xcel.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! I am so loving this nice fall weather!

Crib and Changing Table!

BIG purchase this morning. Thanks to my awesome neighbor and friend, Keri, she let me know that Target was having a sale today on a baby crib.... so I went online and checked the ad... what do you know... it is the EXACT crib we were registerd for!! The deal was buy the crib we got the changing table for free :) So we headed off to our Target... we got there at 9am (opens at 8am), and they were already sold out! The lady that helped us was nice, and told us that Brinsville had 2 left. So we headed to the car, I called, and again had such a nice lady help us. She pulled it out for us and held it until we got there... so we got it! I got a bit emotional putting it into the car. So crazy. It is one more big step to the baby being here! Here are the pics of our crib and changing table.

The BIG 2-0

So, yesterday was my big 20 week appt/ ultrasound. I was 20 weeks 2 days, and baby is measuring 20 weeks 4 days... so right on track! I am officially past my loss date, and it feels so good. Baby girl looks so perfect! Everything is great!! She is so stinkin' cute! She has the cutest little nose and it is so fun seeing her move all over in my belly on the ultrasound. Our ultrasound tech said that means she is happy in there! :) My next appt is Oct. 1 and I will be 24 weeks! WOW! I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going. Before I know it, soccer will be over... then we have October... then Thanksgiving and Christmas and we know how fast the holidays go... then BAM January the baby will be here! I can't wait!

Since everything looked good yesterday, this means we need to being buying the big stuff-- crib/ furniture and stuff for the nursery. We also need to start cleaning everything out of the room.

Exhaustion. This sums up the last week for me. Holy buckets. September is going to be rough, especially with lots of Saturday games. Between working all day and soccer.... I am so tired. Yesterday we went to the fair. It was really chilly! But I told Dan, being at the stage I am in my pregnancy was perfect for the fair! My appetite was amazing! I have never eaten so much in one day at the fair!! If I would have been in my 1st trimester, I couldn't have eaten anything. If it was my 3rd, I wouldn't have been able to walk all day (I struggled yesterday being 20 weeks!) so maybe we should plan future babies around the state fair :) Haha. Let's see.... what did we have to eat. We split everything.... we started with foot long hot dog, then we tried a pickle dog (pastrami, pickle, cream cheese, jalepenos), philly sandwhich, waffle fries, corn fritters, deep fried pickles, cheese curds, sweet marthas cookies, caramel apples... I think that is it. It was awesome.

So what am I worrying about now??? FLYING to Miami. I have a workshop I am going to and hate flying, and the idea of the possibility of something going wrong when I am so close to having our little girl, scares me. Argh.

Today we are going to my friend Sara's and her husband John's house for dinner! It will be so nice :) Tomorrow BBQ at Dan's moms... and back to work with the kiddos Tuesday. Dan and I have a lot of talking to do as far as maternity leave. My goal is to take off the rest of the year. We will see what happens. Have a good weekend!

Body Image.

So, last night I just looked at myself in the mirror.... and as my body is changing, I am having a difficult time. I don't think of myself as a vain person at all. I have always been an athlete, and active, and comfortable in my body. I have no idea if this is a normal thing women women have a hard time with... but I am. I am scared of never having the same body.... stretch marks, veins appearing and not going away, will I ever be confident about my body again?

Then I remind myself it is obviously worth it. I already love this baby girl so much, and she is so wanted by Dan and I. However, Dan is still my husband, and I want him to be attracted to me after the baby arrives. Will he be? Will it be different? I hope not. I hope that doesn't come across as being weird... but it has been on my mind lately.

Onto a ligter note... Dan felt the baby move on Thursday night! It was so great! It was an emotional moment, and very cool for me to see him experience it... since I get to feel her all the time. Then last night, I was watching my belly while laying in bed (this is when she tends to be the most active), I could actually see my belly move! :o) I just can't wait to meet her.

Emotional.

So, tomorrow I will be 19 weeks. I was exactly 19 weeks when I had my anatomy scan with Elizabeth and found out everything, 19 weeks 5 days when I deleivered her. Needless to say, I am having a tough/ emotional week. Is it possible that my pregnancy is going to continue? I am feeling the baby move... but again, felt all that last time. Argh. I know many people don't understand. I don't even think Dan understands. On top of worrying about this baby, I have thought about Elizabeth a lot more this week too.... since like I said, I am at the point to where I was with her.

Soccer started about a week ago. It is funny. I didn't think I would be tired... thought it would be just fine. Ha. Was I wrong. I like being independant, and active, so it is different for me to get so tired, not want to bend over, my back and hips hurting. Yikes. I keep saying to Dan, I am worried about when school starts. I am going to be SO TIRED. I am always tired when school starts, add pregnancy on top of it with soccer.... oh boy. It is only through September though. I can handle it.

Let's see.... other than the rough week I have been having, just looking forward to the fair and hopefully the end of the humidity. It has been such a horrible summer for humidity. Hopefully it is better next. I have bought some really cute outfits for baby girl, but refuse to buy big stuff until after our 20 week ultrasound which will be on Friday, Sept. 3. Dan took the day off :) and we will be heading to the state fair that day. I pray for continued good news. Dan said after our last ultrasound he is just waiting for bad news, since we have had such good news this far. It just stinks that we have those thoughts. I really hope we have another great Dr. appt on that day.

What will the second half of my pregnancy be like? Will I be able to relax a little bit more since I will have surpassed my loss date? I hope so. I am looking forward to experiencing that part of pregnancy I wasn't able to before.

I will try to get some belly pics up tonight or tomorrow... I have definitly popped.

16 Week Ultrasound and Blood Test

Friday Dan and I had an appt for our 16 week ultrasound and the second blood draw to test for genetic abnormalities. I was nervous, but not as nervous as my 11 week check. I had seen the baby a few times now, so I had a good feeling everything was going well. I was anxious about seeing a healthy baby, but also about the possibility of finding out the gender. Dan had no idea what he thought the baby was, I KNEW it had to be a girl... so we were hoping to find out.

We got into the ultrasound room, and one of the first shots that went up on the screen was the shot that showed us the sex. Immediatly I yell "It's a Girl!!" Dan looks at me like I am crazy, and the ultrasound tech asks "Do you even need me here? Do you want to take over?" We were laughing. So yes, I was right, my instincts were right, and Dan and I have a healthy baby girl on the way!! Everything looked great. It is amazing what they can see already at a little over 16weeks! Doctor came in too and took a good look, and everything was fantastic. We were just thrilled!






After the ultrasound, I had my second blood draw to check again for odds of our baby being born with Spina Bifida, Down Syndrome, and Trisomy 18. I wasn't as nervous this time since the first draw came back so good. I got the call today from Mary Ann, our genetic counselor, and she said our baby is a rockstar! All of the tests came back the lowest they possibly can go! The lab gives odds no lower than 1:10,000for DS and tris 18, and that is what the odds are. For spina bifida, lowest odds they give are 1:6000, and that is what our odds are too! SUCH good news. This is so crazy that we keep getting all this good news. I went out shopping for clothes this weekend, and feel weird about it. It is still kind of hard for me to believe we are actually going to bring home a baby... but I am beginning to believe it.

Baby has been SO active today. Feeling her move like crazy. Dan and I have no names set yet, and we struggle agreeing! We will see how long it takes us to decide! :)

Brad Paisley - Anything Like Me (Lyrics)

I just had to post this tonight. I heard this tonight on my way to meet the girls for dinner, and it brought me to tears. Good tears. With us having our ultrasound tomorrow, and looking specifically for the banding that we had with Elizabeth, it was almost like a good sign for me to hear this. The day before we had our ultrasound with Elizabeth, I had a moment in the car where I was a mess and was sobbing, knowing we were going to get bad news. Today, hearing this, brought a peace over me. I got a GOOD feeling about tomorrow... that we will see a healthy baby on the screen. Of course, also hoping to know if it is a little girl or boy, but most importantly healthy. I want to end this post with Psalm 121:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Feeling Baby!

For the last coupe of days... I have thought I had felt the baby. Tonight, I KNOW I did! :) I can't wait until it is more consistent and the baby kicks hard so Dan can feel it!

On a side note, so pumped for Bethenny Getting Married tonight! :)

Just a short update... wanted to share!

PS The stuffed peppers were SO tasty tonight!

Fifteen Weeks

So I gave in and bought a doppler to hear the heartbeat at home... the problem is it really doesn't ease my nerves since I heard the heartbeat alI the time last time, assuming things were ok, later to find out otherwise. So, it is nice, but not enough!

I have to say, I am proud of how well I am handling this pregnancy and the anxiety and stress it is causing. I thought I would be a mess, but I am not as bad as I thought. Dan even says the same thing, and my therapist that I go to that I began seeing right after we lost Elizabeth is so happay with my progress from when I started seeing her in March. I was a MESS when I first went it. I was having panic attacks, not making it into work... I was struggling so much. I feel much more myself.... but obviously still dealing with anxiety over this pregnancy.

I haven't really had any cravings... but wanted stuffed green peppers all of a sudden! SO my mom makes amazing ones, so I went over there today and made a batch! So excited to bake them tomorrow.

How am I feeling.... physically better. Not throwing up everyday anymore... but haven't gained a pound yet, not that I am complaining. I am anxious/ excited for next Friday, and hoping for the best in terms of healthy baby, and finding out the gender on our ultrasound! I just can't wait to make it to teh 20 week mark, getting the news baby is healthy, and beginning a new journey that I didn't get to experience last time...

Made it to the 2nd Trimester!

14 weeks 1 day! Officially into the 2nd trimester, and can tell! Have begun to feel much more myself... besdides the constant peeing and pulling happening in my stomach.

I got back from Chicago on Tuesday night. I spent four days there visitng my sister... and it was very fun because Faith went too! It unfortunatly included me battling with stress/ anxiety over flying, the baby, and Maia being sick... oh and Shannon's driving :) Kidding Shan. I began to freak out again about baby. It had been 3 weeks since I had seen baby and I was getting nervous again. Thankfully I had an appt Wednesday. Appt went well... I even got to see baby!! I found out since it is a high risk clinic and moms there freak out, I will get to see my baby every appt... in the exam rooms they have older ultrasound machines.... and don't even have dopplers! I was so happy! I asked the Dr. specifically if the babys' head looked ok and closed, and she said yes, definitly, and she saw no evidence of bands! This is what I have been worried about lately. The Dr. I saw was one I saw when I delivered Elizabeth. She is so young, and so nice. Anyway, feel better about things. My 16 week ultrasound in on Friday, August 6th.... so hopefully we will find out the sex at that appt!

I finally got my ultrasound picture on the computer frommy 11 week ultrasound, so it is a few weeks old, but I wanted to upload it! I am sorry, but our baby is already so darn cute!!!

Sick, Sick, Sick!

Not much to update as far as the pregnancy goes. At 12w 5d, I am still so sick! Yesterday was horrible. Dan was hungover :) and felt just as crappy, but didn't have all the fun to go along with it the night before! Headache, hungry, but sick to my stomach, but can't eat cause I will throw up... ugh. Such a viscious cycle. I feel so bad complaining about it. I feel guilty. I want this baby so bad, and want he or she to be healthy, and I know there are women out there who would give ANYTHING to be sick because they can't get pregnant... so who am I to complain? I just can't do it. Losing Elizabeth gave me a whole different perspective on pregnancy.

I don't plan on doing any big announcement on facebook. I figure when I see people, they will find out. Otherwise word of mouth. I by no means am trying to hide it. I don't care if people write stuff on my wall in public, I just don't feel the need to post how many weeks I am every week, complain about how sick I am all the time... etc. Right after I lost Elizabeth, these were the hardest things to see, and I just don't want to do that to anyone who is/ has recently struggled with pregnancy complications. I may post when we find out if it is a boy/ girl... and of course when the little one is born! :o)

I am heading to Chicago to see Shannon next weekend. I am so pumped! Happy Monday, and hope you all have a good week!

Meat...no thanks.

If I was having cravings... that would be helpful. Unfortunatly, only food aversions. This makes it difficult to eat! I also think it is why I haven't gained a pound yet. I am hungry a lot, but nothing sounds good!

When pregnant with Elizabeth, I didn't want meat either. However, it is even stronger this time. I feel like a vegetarian. I tried eating a burger Dan made and I got sick. No meat for me. One of my favorite new veggie meals is a chipotle burrito, with all the good stuff, and no chicken. My other crutch is Ego waffles. I have had 24 in the last week!! Haha. I only have 2 left so I am going to have to get to the store so I have some food to eat!

I went to watch my Mankato summer team play last night. This is the first time I haven't played summer soccer since I was 5! Isn't that crazy?? It made me miss it. It was so good to see everyone, and share some happy news finally, and explain why I am not playing this summer. I am not gonna lie though, the more peole find out, the scarier it makes this. The idea of going through what we went through again is horrible.

I spent the day at my parents today. Let the dogs run around and hung out with Mom, Dad, and Faith. I decided to go into the pool with Faith, and Kolby and Maia didn't like it. They are such momma's girls... and Kolby loves water. I wasn't worried about Maia jumping in, but Kolby... yes. When I was least expecting it, Kolby jumped from the ground, up and over the side of the pool into the pool! What a stinker! In the process of trying to get her out, she scratched my face and mouth. So apparently I can't go swimming when she is over there!

Hopefully I can find something to eat for dinner tonight....

NT Scan Reults!!

Yay for good news!! Mary Ann, our genetic counselor, just called me with the results of our NT scan. They look at hormones in my blood as well as babys measurement and give me odds of our baby having Down Syndrome and Trisomny 18. Just using my age alone, odds are 1:700... so low. Adding the measurements and blood work, babys odds are 1:6400 for Down Syndrome and 1:10,000 for Trisomny 18!!! I called Dan SOBBING after I got off the phone, and he was scared for a second... but I told him right away I have good news!! I am beginning to actually think that we are going to really have a baby in january. It is so hard to explain what this feels like.... I haven't been this happy in a really long time.

Just had to update!!!

Nervous and Butterflies.... So Strange

As I begin to write this post, my stomach just flipped and I have butterflies. It is a very strange feeling. Why? Because I am nervous to officially put it out there that.... we are expecting again. Wow. I feel like once this is published, it is really official. We have kept it pretty secret for the last 11 weeks... besides our immediate family. I have so wanted to blog about my feelings over the last couple of months, but didn't want to make it that public. I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so just bare with me! :)

Let me begin by saying we found out on my mom's birthday, May 8th. Instead of being instantly excited, I called my mom sobbing, convinced already something wasn't right. I had taken tests for the previous week, all were negative, now a positive one... I was so scared. I finally calmed down... for a while. I called the Drs office on that Monday and got my 1st appt scheduled.

Jumping to my first appt, I am going to the Perinatal Clinc at United Hospital this pregnancy. You need to be considered high risk, or already a patient by referral to go there. This is where I was referred to when we lost Elizabeth, and they welcomed me back with open arms. I am so thrilled, because they are so understanding and are watching me so closely. My first appt I was about 7.5 weeks. We had an u/s and they gave me my official due date of Jan 19, 2011. Elizabeth was born Jan 16... so strange how close this will be, and what a weird time of year it will be. Anyway, of course my biggest fear was that the baby would not have a heartbeat, or baby would be developing outside my uterus. I was scared to death. I was so relieved to see not only my baby, but babys heartbeat at a strong 148 bpm! I couldn't believe it, and tears of joy came. We even got to hear it! :) We then went on to meet with the doctor and nurse to go over ALL my medical history, got my blood drawn... and ask any and all questions I had. My biggest concern was if I am for some reason pre-disposed to having these bands break and harm my baby. The Dr. ASSURED me it was a complete freak thing, and should not happen again. He is not worried about it, but said he knows I am, and they will do whatvever they need to do to help ease my nerves. Wow. What a great place to be. After a long morning, and a bit relieved, we were on our way.

After the appt, the next couple of weeks were pretty blah... which was good. Nausea and morning sickness kicked in full force right before we left for San Diego... OF COURSE! So that was no fun. It is ALL DAY sickness this time around, but so worth it if it means i will be holding a healthy little baby in 6 months!

So symptoms during the first tri: Nausea/sickness, seriously, rediculously huge boobs... haha, food aversions (meat again), no cravings.... and that is pretty much it. I haven't been super tired, which has been nice...but also not working so that helps I think too.

So, my 2nd appt was on June 30, this last Wednesday. We went in for our NT scan... which is a 1st trimester screen for chromosomal abnormalitles such as down syndrome and trisomy 18. They measure the nuchal fold-- the amt of liquid in it-- in an ultrasound, and draw my blood. There were no red flags on the ultrasound, but we still are waiting for our blood results (supposed to have by Tues.). I am definitly anxious waiting on those, but am trying to remind myself that despite our past, statistics are with us... but prayers are always appreciated! Needless to say, I was scared to death. I got no sleep Tuesday night, having flashbacks on my ultrasound with Elizabeth when we found out everything... horrible. Thank goodness we saw baby and babys heartbeat.... 176 bpm this time! Just SO anxious for the blood results...

I just can't stress enough how much we cannot take healthy children for granted. It is such a blessing. What an amazing gift God has given us. I continue to have faith that God will bless Dan and I with a beautiful healthy baby.

Just an Update

Well, it has been a while since I have posted. Not much really to update on. I have been enjoying my summer so far... getting things done and catching up with friends. Unfortunatly I should be getting more done around the house... so hopefully I pick up with that soon. I have no excuse being home all day! I just have had no motivation.

Dan and I had a lot of fun on our trip to San Diego. Although, me and my anxiety had to deal with an earthquake. Something at the time I had no interest in experiencing. Now it is cool to know I have been through one. We had a lot of fun, despite me being kind of sick while being out there. I can't wait for Dan to be done with school so we can travel more often.

I just booked a trip to Chicago July 17-20. I haven't been out there since my sister moved, so I will be looking forward to that! I have never flown alone though, so of course I will be nervous about the flying part.

Lets see...I think that is pretty much it. Looking forward to a few months off :)

Less than a week

Here is myh ticker. This is how far I should be today. I noramlly delete this everytime I log in... My due date is in less that a week. Friends from facebook are having babies that were due at the same time as me. I log in and see postings and pictures, and can't help but hope that we have that soon. I have to think positive, and I do... but with that is just a girl that is so scared. Not many people understand, they keep telling me to stay positive, don't think like that, but when your whole world comes crashing down in an instant, not having any idea anything is wrong, you know it is possible, and impossible to not think about that. Not quite sure what this week will be like... I am sure difficult, but hopeful as well.

8 days left of school! Then dan and I will make our way to San Diego!!! I wish we had more time there, but it will be fun nonetheless... Everyone always asks me "What is your plan this summer?" How am I suppose to answer that? I was planning on caring for a baby, and now since that fell through I am going to sit and do nothing? Why is it that teachers get asked that question, like if we aren't working,we are lazy or something. No, I am not coaching this summer and definitly ok with that. No, I am not playing soccer for the first time since I was 5, and ok with that too. I will be spending some time on me, and I am more than ok with that! I have some grad school stuff I hope to attempt and finish... but other that that not much planned, and I am so excited for that! This is the first summer in so long I haven't had a million things going on.

Today Dan and I are heading out to White Bear Lake for the day. Hopefully the beautiful weather lasts all day! Happy Memorial Day!

Monday, Monday

Mother's Day. It was not as tough as I had imagined it to be. Of course I get upset thinking about how close we would be to having our baby, but it was overall a good day. Dan and I went to the Twins game with Suzie, Steve, and his boys. Chris was in town and came too so that was good to see him. After the game, Shannon and Nick came over and hung out for a while. That was great. It was so nice to hang out with my sis for a while... and Nick made spinach artichoke dip. It was so good. We layed on the couch and watched The Blind Side.

Tonight I am meeting Garon for dinner at the Green Mill. I am so excited to eat (as I sit here and try not to eat because I am SO HUNGRY!) as well as see her. Dan doesn't have class tonight since it is finals week so he will be home right after work. Yay!

This weekend, Dan will be at the cabin for opener and I will be up at Wolf Ridge with a group of kids from school. I am so excited, since I had always wanted to go as a student and never did. I am finally going! Keeping my fingers crossed for good weather.

Well, nothing too sappy or juicy today. I am getting kind of bored with this season of DWTS. You know the final 2 are going to be Nicole and Evan, and the train wrecks are gone, so now it is kind of boring. I am excited for Castle tonight!!! Great show. Thats it for now. Hope everyone has a good week.

Much Better Weekend.

That's more like it. I look back at my last few posts, and realize how rough the last couple of weeks have been for me. I know it is not unusual, it is very normal to take a few step forward, than back, than forward again. This weekend, was a lot more "noraml". Did I think about everything that has happened and what I wish it would be?? Absoultly. I just didn't dwell on it this weekend.

My weekend started with dinner with Dan on Friday night at Molly Cools. It is a Seafood restaurant, and so good. It made me actually think that I may like to apply as a server there for the summer. I had Blackened Mahi Mahi with pineapple salsa... did not evern compare to the dish at Bubba Gumps. Dan has a blackened catfish sandwhich that was as big as his head... which he enjoyed as well. I would have to say the best part of the meal was our appetizer... it was a spinach crab dip with little pieces of toasted bread to eat it on. It was delicious! We then came home and I watched It's Complicated. Such a good movie. It has Meyrl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin (whom I LOVE). Super cute. Saturday... we woke up and I went and got a pedicure with Sara and we went out for Thai. Again, well needed to have some quality girl time. Today, Dan and I went out for brekafast, and then took Kolby and Maia out for a walk at Lebanon Hills. They actually went swimming for the first time for the season! It is Kolby's second birthday today so we wanted to give her a treat :)

As for the evening... I am sure we will watch Celebrity Apprentice and Dan has a date with his homework. I am getting really excited for our trip to San Diego. We leave on June 11 and come back June 16. This is a picture of our hotel. We are right downtown so we are near so much! We can't wait.

I am hoping for a good week this week. Hope you all have a good one!

Bad Day.

What a gross day. The kids made me upset today... life got the best of me today... I need to start winning those battles. I need to take control of those feelings and not let them get the best of me. It is so hard. I am battling and working towards that everyday.

Fat is how I feel... all of the time. I can't stand the way I look. Yet, I think to myself, if I had a baby right now, I would be thrilled if I looked like this. Yet, because I have no baby, I want every reminder of that to be gone. Eveytime I look in the mirror, I see her, I see me being pregnant, and having no baby. Eveytime it is a reminder. Will that ever go away? That is one of things that is the hardest for me right now. That along with me wondering if my body is doing what it needs to be doing. I am now back to worrying about something being wrong with me again. That is what led me to my official diagnosis of anxiety in the summer of 2008. What if I now have cysts on my ovaries? Are the cramps I am feeling normal... or is there something wrong? I notice every little twinge, afraid of it meaning that I will never have a happy baby. I need to get out of living in fear.

I have just about finished reading the book The Chemistry of Joy. It was such a good read, and made me feel a little more normal. I know not everyone deals with anxiety, but if you do, I highly recommend the book.

Well, I got the mail today. I got a baby magazine. Another one. Not sure I know WHY I am getting these magazines. I never bought a subscription... however I have gotten 3 since we lost the baby. For some reason, I can't seem to throw them away. I do not look at them, but I put them in a pile that has other things baby related... I like to hope that I will have a use for them sometime soon. Speaking of baby related... I have not touched the guest room aka should be baby room. It just has heaps of things... things of mine and Dans, things that were meant to be Elizabeth's. I just can't bring myself to clean/ organize it. I have wanted to since spring break... and just hate going in there since it is not a nursery, like it should be.

I guess I don't really know what else to say. My heart is still aching, and I want to feel like myself again. I want to be sincerely happy... not just have moments of happiness.

Sad, lonely, yet trying to be hopeful.

I just felt sad today. I have noticed days when it is gloomy out... it is a lot worse. I was just thinking how Dan and I began trying to get pregnant almost one year ago now, and look where we are. In my mind, we are even farther from having a baby then we were a year ago. My body has been so out of whack. If you haven't gone through what I am going through, you may not understand what I am feeling. I am so afraid of my body not doing what it should be doing, because it did something so wrong when I was pregnant. How do I know that my body is doing what it needs to be doing in order to get pregnant? I don't know. It is out of my control and that kills me. I hate this. I had hoped to be pregnant on our due date... but the closer we get, the more discouraged I become and the more unlikely it will be.

Onto another subject, Dan and I went to The Happy Gnome on Friday to celebrate Nick's (Dan's dad) birthday. It was so good! Beer was good, food was good, company was good. However, it is things such as having a pregnant waitress-- like we did for dinner-- that I am constantly trying to battle my feelings with. I swear, everytime I am in public, it is something like that. Anyway... the food was so good. I highly recommend it if you have never been there. It is off Selby Ave in St. Paul. We then met up with a couple of my friends from work-- they came over to the Gnome. We had good conversation, and like a bunch of old people, were tired and headed home around 11:15. :o)

Well... here it is. Another week about to begin. Another Sunday night. I have had a rough weekend, and hope that this week is better. Hopefully I can get Dan to go golfing next weekend... or to the driving range. He actually mentioned doing that today- but I didn't want to waste a trip to the golf course on a day when it is cold and windy! No new episode of Castle tomorrow... so I will spend my evening with Kolby and Maia watching DWTS. Hope you all have a good week.

Amniotic Band Syndrome

I realized I did not post when we found out what definitly caused Elizabeth's facial abnormalities. They were caused by something called Amniotic Band Syndrome--- NOT genetic, but a completely random thing. This was something that Dan felt really good about. Me on the other hand, it didn't make a difference. It didn't make Elizabeth healthy. If anything, I got more mad when our genteic counselor told us. She SHOULD have been born healthy. She would have had no problems had this stupid things not happened.

What Amniotic Band Syndrome is is when the amniotic sac's strands that make it up break and float in the sac. The baby's extremeties can get wrapped in it and it can cause a baby to lose a finger, toe, foot, hand, and in severe cases cause defects to the head. It is most common for a baby's hand or foot to be affected, thus not a life threatening problem. Of course, Murphy's Law, our baby's head got wrapped in it. The way it was explained to us was as if you wrapped a balloon with a rubber band, then tried blowing it up. Elizabeth's head was trying to grow, but this stupid band was in the way. The doctor told us this happened the first week of conception! So that was frustrating to hear as well. Also made us realize how strong she was. Her brain was not developing correctly, yet her heart was beating so strong! Doctor said a lot of women miscarry when this happens... but for some reason, I didn't. If I could have seen into the future when I found out I was going to have a baby, I would have been chosen to miscarry at 8 weeks, rather than going through 4 months of pregnancy, only to give birth to our baby that was not going to survive. Anyway, I don't need to get into that... just wanted to share what exactly caused Elizabeth's problems... since looking back, I never shared that with you.

Today-- was an ok day. I actually went for a run, however, my "eating better" has been ruined this week since I made homemade choc chip cookies Sunday. I am so week. I still have not drank pop, but I was down 3.5 lbs in a week, and chowing on these cookies put me right where I started. That is when I get down on myself, when I look at the scale. I have never been this weight/ size, and it truly depresses me... and then I eat away my emotions, which makes it worse. This is something I am working on/ through with my doctors.

DWTS was ok last night... but Kate REALLY needs to go. Poor Tony. He looks as though he is hating life. Tonight I will prob switch between Twins, DWTS results, and American Idol (which also sucks this season). I am going to try and figure out what to do for dinner, and enjoy actually having Dan home tonight since he wont be tomorrow OR Thursday. UGH ARGH BLAH!

33 Weeks.....

.... is how far along I should be today. That means 7 weeks is all I would have had until our little girl would have come home. I am at a place where I am not in tears typing that. However, I long for the day that we will have that. I am consumed with thoughts of being pregnant, and wanting to be pregnant. Dan and I are ready to try, and hoping God will bless us again with a VERY HEALTHY baby sometime soon.

Monday. Blah. Monday's are never a fun day, but with the Monday night TV line-up, there is a little bit to look forward to. Dancing With the Stars AND Castle. I really hope Kate is voted off this week, she is horrible. Jake is so annoying as well. Without good TV editing, he comes off as being the biggest tool. If you do not watch Castle, you should start. It is a fantastic show! I haven't had a show I watched weekly (that was not a reality show) since FRIENDS, and Castle is one I watch weekly. Is it as good as Friends?? No way. But I highly doubt there will ever be a show that will be as good as Friends. Seriously, on a daily basis, there is something in my day that will remind me of a FRIENDS episode. So anyway, good TV night tonight--- and with Dan having class on Monday nights, good TV helps.

Last week I started a new way of eating. My last pop was last Sunday-- so it has been a week. Anyone who has ever been close to me knows I am a huge pop drinker. I have tried to cut pop out of my life numerous times, and I really don't think I have ever gone this long without having any. I am drinking coffee still... so not cutting out caffeine completely, but all of that sugar and empty calories from pop. I have also been eating more complex carbs, less salt, and less sugar. I am only down 3 lbs in one week... my next step is working out more. UGH. I wish I had a trainer to kick my butt.

Let's see... conferences on Thursday night-- last one of the year = no kids on Friday at work, and only a half day. I hope this week goes fast.

Happy Monday to all and any of you that still read my posts!

I don't know why....

I had the urge to write out what I am feeling... so here I am. I have had probably the best week since we have lost Elizabeth- in terms of controling my feelings. However, for some reason, today I am struggling to get through the day. I just keep thinking about how unfair it is. Unfair that anyone needs to go through something like this. I begin to get down and I begin to think how many lows there have been in my life in the last 4-5 years. Dan would remind me of all the good things- like him :), but even my doctor gave some figure about how for every negative that you experience, it often takes 5 positives to compensate for it.

I want some good karma. I want to hold a baby, MY baby, in my arms. I wonder what Elizabeth's life would have been, had this stupid, stupid, thing not happened. I think about watching her play soccer, taking her to the lake, her grabbing the dogs tails. All of the things I imagined, never being able to do those things with her. Then I begin to wonder, will I ever experience that with my child- will i ever have one? Will Dan and I have a healthy baby? I don't care who you are, you can't guarantee that we will. Therefore, until that day comes, I will worry about it. I am just trying to manage the amount of time these thoughts consume on a daily basis, and how I allow them to affect my day. This is what I am getting better at, but for some reason, really struggling with today. It may be due to my lack of sleep the last couple of nights... or just because I am having a bad day, and I am allowed to have them!

I know it has been a while, and like I have said before, I have no idea if anyone is still reading this. I just needed to get my thoughts out. I need God to help me stay strong. Despite all of the crummy things that have happened, I have faith that He will continue to help me through this.

Update

Hi all. I have no idea if anyone checks to see if I update this... but I felt the urge to lately. I am happy to say I have been having more good days than bad ones. Something unexpectedly can make me switch from being happy to really upset... just ask Dan, but I have made it to work everyday for the last 2 weeks, which is a big improvement. The best way I can explain how I feel is that I have an empty feeling. A feeling I can't seem to fill to make go away... and I am assuming that may be there forever.

I have a really hard time seeing all the updates of people and their pregnancies on facebook. I understand their excitement, but it is always a reminder of what I don't have. I know that feeling will get less and less. It has already. But it is still hard. I think about how we should be working on the nursery, and how showers would be right around the corner. Also how far I would be (27 weeks Monday-- beginning my 3rd trimester already). Sometimes when I end up thinking of all of those things, it gets overwhelming.

Dan and I are taking a trip to Duluth this weekend... to get away, as well as for our anniversary. It will be 2 years already on the 17th! We also just booked a trip to San Diego for June. We will leave june 11th (my last day at work) and come back the 15th. Perfect timing since that should have been when elizabeth would have been born. I am so looking forward to that time away, just Dan and I. We really haven't had a trip like that. Even our honeymoon had all of our family there, so it should be fun.

I am getting my hair done today! So excited! It will be nice to get a nice fresh look to get ready for spring. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone is doing well.

Missing Her

I sit here, on my couch, for most of the time at home... trying to sleep or get so involved with what I am watching. It hurts too much. I have done such a good job for the last month of playing it strong... I don't know if it is catching up to me... but my heart is just aching. I miss her. I miss my belly she gave me. I miss everytime I heard a date that was close to my due date me getting so excited and thinking about how close we would be to having our baby. I miss having Dan touch my belly. I miss my friends at work commenting on my belly and being excited about how it was growing.

I dread the snow melting... and March coming. The nicer the weather gets the more it reminds me I will have no baby. I want to get through this. I want to find a place in life when I can just be happy, but not forget. I want some consistency in my life. Me and Dan talk about if getting pregnant again will help... and I think it will... but yet I am so scared about getting pregnant again. What if this happens again? Then what? Everyone tells me the chances are low... but the chances were low with Elizabeth. Everyone always tells me I am a pessimist, and my response is always that I am a realist. I have had too many things hurt me in life... how can I not come to expect that... or at least think about it?

I want life to feel good again. I want to enjoy everyday, and hope that time comes soon.... sorry for the depressing post, but I am having a rough day today. I miss ELizabeth....

Three Weeks Ago Today

I can't believe it has been three weeks alrady since Elizabeth was born. I wasn't sure if or when I would come back to the blog and write, but I felt an urge to today. I have been writing a bit in a journal a friend gave me... but sometimes having the strength to do that is difficult.

Today was a milestone for me. Dan and I had a wedding to go to, one of his friend's from college. When we got the invite to the wedding, I remember being so excited thinking ahead to the date. February 6th... I would be realy showing, and get to buy a new cute dress. Dan and I would get to go to the wedding together, and I would be so proud to show my belly. We would know if we were having a boy and girl, and life would be wonderful. Needless to say, tonight was much different than that picture I had in my mind. I was very nervous for today, and had a rough morning. Many tears were shed... but I managed to pull myself together, with the help of Dan. Tonight would be the first night since we lost Elizabeth that Dan and I would actually go out.

The wedding was beautiful. I had my moments when I just wanted to hold onto my belly and cry, but it felt good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We both had a nice time. Congrats to Jenna and Stringer.

Also, I have made it through two weeks of work, one of which was a full 5 day week. Has it been easy? No. I have come home drained, not slept well at all, and often cry my way home from work. I think I try to keep myself pulled together all day long, so I get home and just lose it. Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard on me. Dan has classes and sometimes I just want the comfort of him being here with me on the couch. I am so lucky to have him. He keeps the kitchen clean and cooks for me.... because I still have no motivation for any of that. My poor upstairs bathroom... needs to be cleaned so bad. I just say oh well, it will survive until I get to it.

I am hoping for a phone call from Mary Ann this week. She was the genetic counselor we worked with. We should hopefully be finding out what specifically caused Elizabeth's birth defects. That will be a call I am anticipating, but also nervous about.

Dan and I are supporting eachother everyday, and everyday is different then the last. Some have smiles, most still have lots of tears. I still feel like I need to shut myself out from the world... for some reason it is easier for me to do that, than to face reality. Many people ask me how I am doing. The best way I can put it is I am looking forward to the time when I think about Elizabeth and what happened daily, but no longer having it consume my thougths 24/7.

For those of you praying and thinking of us, and giving us your support, we appreciate it more than you know.