I sit here, on my couch, for most of the time at home... trying to sleep or get so involved with what I am watching. It hurts too much. I have done such a good job for the last month of playing it strong... I don't know if it is catching up to me... but my heart is just aching. I miss her. I miss my belly she gave me. I miss everytime I heard a date that was close to my due date me getting so excited and thinking about how close we would be to having our baby. I miss having Dan touch my belly. I miss my friends at work commenting on my belly and being excited about how it was growing.
I dread the snow melting... and March coming. The nicer the weather gets the more it reminds me I will have no baby. I want to get through this. I want to find a place in life when I can just be happy, but not forget. I want some consistency in my life. Me and Dan talk about if getting pregnant again will help... and I think it will... but yet I am so scared about getting pregnant again. What if this happens again? Then what? Everyone tells me the chances are low... but the chances were low with Elizabeth. Everyone always tells me I am a pessimist, and my response is always that I am a realist. I have had too many things hurt me in life... how can I not come to expect that... or at least think about it?
I want life to feel good again. I want to enjoy everyday, and hope that time comes soon.... sorry for the depressing post, but I am having a rough day today. I miss ELizabeth....
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