Three Weeks Ago Today

I can't believe it has been three weeks alrady since Elizabeth was born. I wasn't sure if or when I would come back to the blog and write, but I felt an urge to today. I have been writing a bit in a journal a friend gave me... but sometimes having the strength to do that is difficult.

Today was a milestone for me. Dan and I had a wedding to go to, one of his friend's from college. When we got the invite to the wedding, I remember being so excited thinking ahead to the date. February 6th... I would be realy showing, and get to buy a new cute dress. Dan and I would get to go to the wedding together, and I would be so proud to show my belly. We would know if we were having a boy and girl, and life would be wonderful. Needless to say, tonight was much different than that picture I had in my mind. I was very nervous for today, and had a rough morning. Many tears were shed... but I managed to pull myself together, with the help of Dan. Tonight would be the first night since we lost Elizabeth that Dan and I would actually go out.

The wedding was beautiful. I had my moments when I just wanted to hold onto my belly and cry, but it felt good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We both had a nice time. Congrats to Jenna and Stringer.

Also, I have made it through two weeks of work, one of which was a full 5 day week. Has it been easy? No. I have come home drained, not slept well at all, and often cry my way home from work. I think I try to keep myself pulled together all day long, so I get home and just lose it. Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard on me. Dan has classes and sometimes I just want the comfort of him being here with me on the couch. I am so lucky to have him. He keeps the kitchen clean and cooks for me.... because I still have no motivation for any of that. My poor upstairs bathroom... needs to be cleaned so bad. I just say oh well, it will survive until I get to it.

I am hoping for a phone call from Mary Ann this week. She was the genetic counselor we worked with. We should hopefully be finding out what specifically caused Elizabeth's birth defects. That will be a call I am anticipating, but also nervous about.

Dan and I are supporting eachother everyday, and everyday is different then the last. Some have smiles, most still have lots of tears. I still feel like I need to shut myself out from the world... for some reason it is easier for me to do that, than to face reality. Many people ask me how I am doing. The best way I can put it is I am looking forward to the time when I think about Elizabeth and what happened daily, but no longer having it consume my thougths 24/7.

For those of you praying and thinking of us, and giving us your support, we appreciate it more than you know.