Bad Day.

What a gross day. The kids made me upset today... life got the best of me today... I need to start winning those battles. I need to take control of those feelings and not let them get the best of me. It is so hard. I am battling and working towards that everyday.

Fat is how I feel... all of the time. I can't stand the way I look. Yet, I think to myself, if I had a baby right now, I would be thrilled if I looked like this. Yet, because I have no baby, I want every reminder of that to be gone. Eveytime I look in the mirror, I see her, I see me being pregnant, and having no baby. Eveytime it is a reminder. Will that ever go away? That is one of things that is the hardest for me right now. That along with me wondering if my body is doing what it needs to be doing. I am now back to worrying about something being wrong with me again. That is what led me to my official diagnosis of anxiety in the summer of 2008. What if I now have cysts on my ovaries? Are the cramps I am feeling normal... or is there something wrong? I notice every little twinge, afraid of it meaning that I will never have a happy baby. I need to get out of living in fear.

I have just about finished reading the book The Chemistry of Joy. It was such a good read, and made me feel a little more normal. I know not everyone deals with anxiety, but if you do, I highly recommend the book.

Well, I got the mail today. I got a baby magazine. Another one. Not sure I know WHY I am getting these magazines. I never bought a subscription... however I have gotten 3 since we lost the baby. For some reason, I can't seem to throw them away. I do not look at them, but I put them in a pile that has other things baby related... I like to hope that I will have a use for them sometime soon. Speaking of baby related... I have not touched the guest room aka should be baby room. It just has heaps of things... things of mine and Dans, things that were meant to be Elizabeth's. I just can't bring myself to clean/ organize it. I have wanted to since spring break... and just hate going in there since it is not a nursery, like it should be.

I guess I don't really know what else to say. My heart is still aching, and I want to feel like myself again. I want to be sincerely happy... not just have moments of happiness.