Sad, lonely, yet trying to be hopeful.

I just felt sad today. I have noticed days when it is gloomy out... it is a lot worse. I was just thinking how Dan and I began trying to get pregnant almost one year ago now, and look where we are. In my mind, we are even farther from having a baby then we were a year ago. My body has been so out of whack. If you haven't gone through what I am going through, you may not understand what I am feeling. I am so afraid of my body not doing what it should be doing, because it did something so wrong when I was pregnant. How do I know that my body is doing what it needs to be doing in order to get pregnant? I don't know. It is out of my control and that kills me. I hate this. I had hoped to be pregnant on our due date... but the closer we get, the more discouraged I become and the more unlikely it will be.

Onto another subject, Dan and I went to The Happy Gnome on Friday to celebrate Nick's (Dan's dad) birthday. It was so good! Beer was good, food was good, company was good. However, it is things such as having a pregnant waitress-- like we did for dinner-- that I am constantly trying to battle my feelings with. I swear, everytime I am in public, it is something like that. Anyway... the food was so good. I highly recommend it if you have never been there. It is off Selby Ave in St. Paul. We then met up with a couple of my friends from work-- they came over to the Gnome. We had good conversation, and like a bunch of old people, were tired and headed home around 11:15. :o)

Well... here it is. Another week about to begin. Another Sunday night. I have had a rough weekend, and hope that this week is better. Hopefully I can get Dan to go golfing next weekend... or to the driving range. He actually mentioned doing that today- but I didn't want to waste a trip to the golf course on a day when it is cold and windy! No new episode of Castle tomorrow... so I will spend my evening with Kolby and Maia watching DWTS. Hope you all have a good week.

Amniotic Band Syndrome

I realized I did not post when we found out what definitly caused Elizabeth's facial abnormalities. They were caused by something called Amniotic Band Syndrome--- NOT genetic, but a completely random thing. This was something that Dan felt really good about. Me on the other hand, it didn't make a difference. It didn't make Elizabeth healthy. If anything, I got more mad when our genteic counselor told us. She SHOULD have been born healthy. She would have had no problems had this stupid things not happened.

What Amniotic Band Syndrome is is when the amniotic sac's strands that make it up break and float in the sac. The baby's extremeties can get wrapped in it and it can cause a baby to lose a finger, toe, foot, hand, and in severe cases cause defects to the head. It is most common for a baby's hand or foot to be affected, thus not a life threatening problem. Of course, Murphy's Law, our baby's head got wrapped in it. The way it was explained to us was as if you wrapped a balloon with a rubber band, then tried blowing it up. Elizabeth's head was trying to grow, but this stupid band was in the way. The doctor told us this happened the first week of conception! So that was frustrating to hear as well. Also made us realize how strong she was. Her brain was not developing correctly, yet her heart was beating so strong! Doctor said a lot of women miscarry when this happens... but for some reason, I didn't. If I could have seen into the future when I found out I was going to have a baby, I would have been chosen to miscarry at 8 weeks, rather than going through 4 months of pregnancy, only to give birth to our baby that was not going to survive. Anyway, I don't need to get into that... just wanted to share what exactly caused Elizabeth's problems... since looking back, I never shared that with you.

Today-- was an ok day. I actually went for a run, however, my "eating better" has been ruined this week since I made homemade choc chip cookies Sunday. I am so week. I still have not drank pop, but I was down 3.5 lbs in a week, and chowing on these cookies put me right where I started. That is when I get down on myself, when I look at the scale. I have never been this weight/ size, and it truly depresses me... and then I eat away my emotions, which makes it worse. This is something I am working on/ through with my doctors.

DWTS was ok last night... but Kate REALLY needs to go. Poor Tony. He looks as though he is hating life. Tonight I will prob switch between Twins, DWTS results, and American Idol (which also sucks this season). I am going to try and figure out what to do for dinner, and enjoy actually having Dan home tonight since he wont be tomorrow OR Thursday. UGH ARGH BLAH!

33 Weeks.....

.... is how far along I should be today. That means 7 weeks is all I would have had until our little girl would have come home. I am at a place where I am not in tears typing that. However, I long for the day that we will have that. I am consumed with thoughts of being pregnant, and wanting to be pregnant. Dan and I are ready to try, and hoping God will bless us again with a VERY HEALTHY baby sometime soon.

Monday. Blah. Monday's are never a fun day, but with the Monday night TV line-up, there is a little bit to look forward to. Dancing With the Stars AND Castle. I really hope Kate is voted off this week, she is horrible. Jake is so annoying as well. Without good TV editing, he comes off as being the biggest tool. If you do not watch Castle, you should start. It is a fantastic show! I haven't had a show I watched weekly (that was not a reality show) since FRIENDS, and Castle is one I watch weekly. Is it as good as Friends?? No way. But I highly doubt there will ever be a show that will be as good as Friends. Seriously, on a daily basis, there is something in my day that will remind me of a FRIENDS episode. So anyway, good TV night tonight--- and with Dan having class on Monday nights, good TV helps.

Last week I started a new way of eating. My last pop was last Sunday-- so it has been a week. Anyone who has ever been close to me knows I am a huge pop drinker. I have tried to cut pop out of my life numerous times, and I really don't think I have ever gone this long without having any. I am drinking coffee still... so not cutting out caffeine completely, but all of that sugar and empty calories from pop. I have also been eating more complex carbs, less salt, and less sugar. I am only down 3 lbs in one week... my next step is working out more. UGH. I wish I had a trainer to kick my butt.

Let's see... conferences on Thursday night-- last one of the year = no kids on Friday at work, and only a half day. I hope this week goes fast.

Happy Monday to all and any of you that still read my posts!

I don't know why....

I had the urge to write out what I am feeling... so here I am. I have had probably the best week since we have lost Elizabeth- in terms of controling my feelings. However, for some reason, today I am struggling to get through the day. I just keep thinking about how unfair it is. Unfair that anyone needs to go through something like this. I begin to get down and I begin to think how many lows there have been in my life in the last 4-5 years. Dan would remind me of all the good things- like him :), but even my doctor gave some figure about how for every negative that you experience, it often takes 5 positives to compensate for it.

I want some good karma. I want to hold a baby, MY baby, in my arms. I wonder what Elizabeth's life would have been, had this stupid, stupid, thing not happened. I think about watching her play soccer, taking her to the lake, her grabbing the dogs tails. All of the things I imagined, never being able to do those things with her. Then I begin to wonder, will I ever experience that with my child- will i ever have one? Will Dan and I have a healthy baby? I don't care who you are, you can't guarantee that we will. Therefore, until that day comes, I will worry about it. I am just trying to manage the amount of time these thoughts consume on a daily basis, and how I allow them to affect my day. This is what I am getting better at, but for some reason, really struggling with today. It may be due to my lack of sleep the last couple of nights... or just because I am having a bad day, and I am allowed to have them!

I know it has been a while, and like I have said before, I have no idea if anyone is still reading this. I just needed to get my thoughts out. I need God to help me stay strong. Despite all of the crummy things that have happened, I have faith that He will continue to help me through this.

Update

Hi all. I have no idea if anyone checks to see if I update this... but I felt the urge to lately. I am happy to say I have been having more good days than bad ones. Something unexpectedly can make me switch from being happy to really upset... just ask Dan, but I have made it to work everyday for the last 2 weeks, which is a big improvement. The best way I can explain how I feel is that I have an empty feeling. A feeling I can't seem to fill to make go away... and I am assuming that may be there forever.

I have a really hard time seeing all the updates of people and their pregnancies on facebook. I understand their excitement, but it is always a reminder of what I don't have. I know that feeling will get less and less. It has already. But it is still hard. I think about how we should be working on the nursery, and how showers would be right around the corner. Also how far I would be (27 weeks Monday-- beginning my 3rd trimester already). Sometimes when I end up thinking of all of those things, it gets overwhelming.

Dan and I are taking a trip to Duluth this weekend... to get away, as well as for our anniversary. It will be 2 years already on the 17th! We also just booked a trip to San Diego for June. We will leave june 11th (my last day at work) and come back the 15th. Perfect timing since that should have been when elizabeth would have been born. I am so looking forward to that time away, just Dan and I. We really haven't had a trip like that. Even our honeymoon had all of our family there, so it should be fun.

I am getting my hair done today! So excited! It will be nice to get a nice fresh look to get ready for spring. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone is doing well.

Missing Her

I sit here, on my couch, for most of the time at home... trying to sleep or get so involved with what I am watching. It hurts too much. I have done such a good job for the last month of playing it strong... I don't know if it is catching up to me... but my heart is just aching. I miss her. I miss my belly she gave me. I miss everytime I heard a date that was close to my due date me getting so excited and thinking about how close we would be to having our baby. I miss having Dan touch my belly. I miss my friends at work commenting on my belly and being excited about how it was growing.

I dread the snow melting... and March coming. The nicer the weather gets the more it reminds me I will have no baby. I want to get through this. I want to find a place in life when I can just be happy, but not forget. I want some consistency in my life. Me and Dan talk about if getting pregnant again will help... and I think it will... but yet I am so scared about getting pregnant again. What if this happens again? Then what? Everyone tells me the chances are low... but the chances were low with Elizabeth. Everyone always tells me I am a pessimist, and my response is always that I am a realist. I have had too many things hurt me in life... how can I not come to expect that... or at least think about it?

I want life to feel good again. I want to enjoy everyday, and hope that time comes soon.... sorry for the depressing post, but I am having a rough day today. I miss ELizabeth....

Three Weeks Ago Today

I can't believe it has been three weeks alrady since Elizabeth was born. I wasn't sure if or when I would come back to the blog and write, but I felt an urge to today. I have been writing a bit in a journal a friend gave me... but sometimes having the strength to do that is difficult.

Today was a milestone for me. Dan and I had a wedding to go to, one of his friend's from college. When we got the invite to the wedding, I remember being so excited thinking ahead to the date. February 6th... I would be realy showing, and get to buy a new cute dress. Dan and I would get to go to the wedding together, and I would be so proud to show my belly. We would know if we were having a boy and girl, and life would be wonderful. Needless to say, tonight was much different than that picture I had in my mind. I was very nervous for today, and had a rough morning. Many tears were shed... but I managed to pull myself together, with the help of Dan. Tonight would be the first night since we lost Elizabeth that Dan and I would actually go out.

The wedding was beautiful. I had my moments when I just wanted to hold onto my belly and cry, but it felt good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We both had a nice time. Congrats to Jenna and Stringer.

Also, I have made it through two weeks of work, one of which was a full 5 day week. Has it been easy? No. I have come home drained, not slept well at all, and often cry my way home from work. I think I try to keep myself pulled together all day long, so I get home and just lose it. Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard on me. Dan has classes and sometimes I just want the comfort of him being here with me on the couch. I am so lucky to have him. He keeps the kitchen clean and cooks for me.... because I still have no motivation for any of that. My poor upstairs bathroom... needs to be cleaned so bad. I just say oh well, it will survive until I get to it.

I am hoping for a phone call from Mary Ann this week. She was the genetic counselor we worked with. We should hopefully be finding out what specifically caused Elizabeth's birth defects. That will be a call I am anticipating, but also nervous about.

Dan and I are supporting eachother everyday, and everyday is different then the last. Some have smiles, most still have lots of tears. I still feel like I need to shut myself out from the world... for some reason it is easier for me to do that, than to face reality. Many people ask me how I am doing. The best way I can put it is I am looking forward to the time when I think about Elizabeth and what happened daily, but no longer having it consume my thougths 24/7.

For those of you praying and thinking of us, and giving us your support, we appreciate it more than you know.