Just an Update

Well, it has been a while since I have posted. Not much really to update on. I have been enjoying my summer so far... getting things done and catching up with friends. Unfortunatly I should be getting more done around the house... so hopefully I pick up with that soon. I have no excuse being home all day! I just have had no motivation.

Dan and I had a lot of fun on our trip to San Diego. Although, me and my anxiety had to deal with an earthquake. Something at the time I had no interest in experiencing. Now it is cool to know I have been through one. We had a lot of fun, despite me being kind of sick while being out there. I can't wait for Dan to be done with school so we can travel more often.

I just booked a trip to Chicago July 17-20. I haven't been out there since my sister moved, so I will be looking forward to that! I have never flown alone though, so of course I will be nervous about the flying part.

Lets see...I think that is pretty much it. Looking forward to a few months off :)

Less than a week

Here is myh ticker. This is how far I should be today. I noramlly delete this everytime I log in... My due date is in less that a week. Friends from facebook are having babies that were due at the same time as me. I log in and see postings and pictures, and can't help but hope that we have that soon. I have to think positive, and I do... but with that is just a girl that is so scared. Not many people understand, they keep telling me to stay positive, don't think like that, but when your whole world comes crashing down in an instant, not having any idea anything is wrong, you know it is possible, and impossible to not think about that. Not quite sure what this week will be like... I am sure difficult, but hopeful as well.

8 days left of school! Then dan and I will make our way to San Diego!!! I wish we had more time there, but it will be fun nonetheless... Everyone always asks me "What is your plan this summer?" How am I suppose to answer that? I was planning on caring for a baby, and now since that fell through I am going to sit and do nothing? Why is it that teachers get asked that question, like if we aren't working,we are lazy or something. No, I am not coaching this summer and definitly ok with that. No, I am not playing soccer for the first time since I was 5, and ok with that too. I will be spending some time on me, and I am more than ok with that! I have some grad school stuff I hope to attempt and finish... but other that that not much planned, and I am so excited for that! This is the first summer in so long I haven't had a million things going on.

Today Dan and I are heading out to White Bear Lake for the day. Hopefully the beautiful weather lasts all day! Happy Memorial Day!

Monday, Monday

Mother's Day. It was not as tough as I had imagined it to be. Of course I get upset thinking about how close we would be to having our baby, but it was overall a good day. Dan and I went to the Twins game with Suzie, Steve, and his boys. Chris was in town and came too so that was good to see him. After the game, Shannon and Nick came over and hung out for a while. That was great. It was so nice to hang out with my sis for a while... and Nick made spinach artichoke dip. It was so good. We layed on the couch and watched The Blind Side.

Tonight I am meeting Garon for dinner at the Green Mill. I am so excited to eat (as I sit here and try not to eat because I am SO HUNGRY!) as well as see her. Dan doesn't have class tonight since it is finals week so he will be home right after work. Yay!

This weekend, Dan will be at the cabin for opener and I will be up at Wolf Ridge with a group of kids from school. I am so excited, since I had always wanted to go as a student and never did. I am finally going! Keeping my fingers crossed for good weather.

Well, nothing too sappy or juicy today. I am getting kind of bored with this season of DWTS. You know the final 2 are going to be Nicole and Evan, and the train wrecks are gone, so now it is kind of boring. I am excited for Castle tonight!!! Great show. Thats it for now. Hope everyone has a good week.

Much Better Weekend.

That's more like it. I look back at my last few posts, and realize how rough the last couple of weeks have been for me. I know it is not unusual, it is very normal to take a few step forward, than back, than forward again. This weekend, was a lot more "noraml". Did I think about everything that has happened and what I wish it would be?? Absoultly. I just didn't dwell on it this weekend.

My weekend started with dinner with Dan on Friday night at Molly Cools. It is a Seafood restaurant, and so good. It made me actually think that I may like to apply as a server there for the summer. I had Blackened Mahi Mahi with pineapple salsa... did not evern compare to the dish at Bubba Gumps. Dan has a blackened catfish sandwhich that was as big as his head... which he enjoyed as well. I would have to say the best part of the meal was our appetizer... it was a spinach crab dip with little pieces of toasted bread to eat it on. It was delicious! We then came home and I watched It's Complicated. Such a good movie. It has Meyrl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin (whom I LOVE). Super cute. Saturday... we woke up and I went and got a pedicure with Sara and we went out for Thai. Again, well needed to have some quality girl time. Today, Dan and I went out for brekafast, and then took Kolby and Maia out for a walk at Lebanon Hills. They actually went swimming for the first time for the season! It is Kolby's second birthday today so we wanted to give her a treat :)

As for the evening... I am sure we will watch Celebrity Apprentice and Dan has a date with his homework. I am getting really excited for our trip to San Diego. We leave on June 11 and come back June 16. This is a picture of our hotel. We are right downtown so we are near so much! We can't wait.

I am hoping for a good week this week. Hope you all have a good one!

Bad Day.

What a gross day. The kids made me upset today... life got the best of me today... I need to start winning those battles. I need to take control of those feelings and not let them get the best of me. It is so hard. I am battling and working towards that everyday.

Fat is how I feel... all of the time. I can't stand the way I look. Yet, I think to myself, if I had a baby right now, I would be thrilled if I looked like this. Yet, because I have no baby, I want every reminder of that to be gone. Eveytime I look in the mirror, I see her, I see me being pregnant, and having no baby. Eveytime it is a reminder. Will that ever go away? That is one of things that is the hardest for me right now. That along with me wondering if my body is doing what it needs to be doing. I am now back to worrying about something being wrong with me again. That is what led me to my official diagnosis of anxiety in the summer of 2008. What if I now have cysts on my ovaries? Are the cramps I am feeling normal... or is there something wrong? I notice every little twinge, afraid of it meaning that I will never have a happy baby. I need to get out of living in fear.

I have just about finished reading the book The Chemistry of Joy. It was such a good read, and made me feel a little more normal. I know not everyone deals with anxiety, but if you do, I highly recommend the book.

Well, I got the mail today. I got a baby magazine. Another one. Not sure I know WHY I am getting these magazines. I never bought a subscription... however I have gotten 3 since we lost the baby. For some reason, I can't seem to throw them away. I do not look at them, but I put them in a pile that has other things baby related... I like to hope that I will have a use for them sometime soon. Speaking of baby related... I have not touched the guest room aka should be baby room. It just has heaps of things... things of mine and Dans, things that were meant to be Elizabeth's. I just can't bring myself to clean/ organize it. I have wanted to since spring break... and just hate going in there since it is not a nursery, like it should be.

I guess I don't really know what else to say. My heart is still aching, and I want to feel like myself again. I want to be sincerely happy... not just have moments of happiness.

Sad, lonely, yet trying to be hopeful.

I just felt sad today. I have noticed days when it is gloomy out... it is a lot worse. I was just thinking how Dan and I began trying to get pregnant almost one year ago now, and look where we are. In my mind, we are even farther from having a baby then we were a year ago. My body has been so out of whack. If you haven't gone through what I am going through, you may not understand what I am feeling. I am so afraid of my body not doing what it should be doing, because it did something so wrong when I was pregnant. How do I know that my body is doing what it needs to be doing in order to get pregnant? I don't know. It is out of my control and that kills me. I hate this. I had hoped to be pregnant on our due date... but the closer we get, the more discouraged I become and the more unlikely it will be.

Onto another subject, Dan and I went to The Happy Gnome on Friday to celebrate Nick's (Dan's dad) birthday. It was so good! Beer was good, food was good, company was good. However, it is things such as having a pregnant waitress-- like we did for dinner-- that I am constantly trying to battle my feelings with. I swear, everytime I am in public, it is something like that. Anyway... the food was so good. I highly recommend it if you have never been there. It is off Selby Ave in St. Paul. We then met up with a couple of my friends from work-- they came over to the Gnome. We had good conversation, and like a bunch of old people, were tired and headed home around 11:15. :o)

Well... here it is. Another week about to begin. Another Sunday night. I have had a rough weekend, and hope that this week is better. Hopefully I can get Dan to go golfing next weekend... or to the driving range. He actually mentioned doing that today- but I didn't want to waste a trip to the golf course on a day when it is cold and windy! No new episode of Castle tomorrow... so I will spend my evening with Kolby and Maia watching DWTS. Hope you all have a good week.

Amniotic Band Syndrome

I realized I did not post when we found out what definitly caused Elizabeth's facial abnormalities. They were caused by something called Amniotic Band Syndrome--- NOT genetic, but a completely random thing. This was something that Dan felt really good about. Me on the other hand, it didn't make a difference. It didn't make Elizabeth healthy. If anything, I got more mad when our genteic counselor told us. She SHOULD have been born healthy. She would have had no problems had this stupid things not happened.

What Amniotic Band Syndrome is is when the amniotic sac's strands that make it up break and float in the sac. The baby's extremeties can get wrapped in it and it can cause a baby to lose a finger, toe, foot, hand, and in severe cases cause defects to the head. It is most common for a baby's hand or foot to be affected, thus not a life threatening problem. Of course, Murphy's Law, our baby's head got wrapped in it. The way it was explained to us was as if you wrapped a balloon with a rubber band, then tried blowing it up. Elizabeth's head was trying to grow, but this stupid band was in the way. The doctor told us this happened the first week of conception! So that was frustrating to hear as well. Also made us realize how strong she was. Her brain was not developing correctly, yet her heart was beating so strong! Doctor said a lot of women miscarry when this happens... but for some reason, I didn't. If I could have seen into the future when I found out I was going to have a baby, I would have been chosen to miscarry at 8 weeks, rather than going through 4 months of pregnancy, only to give birth to our baby that was not going to survive. Anyway, I don't need to get into that... just wanted to share what exactly caused Elizabeth's problems... since looking back, I never shared that with you.

Today-- was an ok day. I actually went for a run, however, my "eating better" has been ruined this week since I made homemade choc chip cookies Sunday. I am so week. I still have not drank pop, but I was down 3.5 lbs in a week, and chowing on these cookies put me right where I started. That is when I get down on myself, when I look at the scale. I have never been this weight/ size, and it truly depresses me... and then I eat away my emotions, which makes it worse. This is something I am working on/ through with my doctors.

DWTS was ok last night... but Kate REALLY needs to go. Poor Tony. He looks as though he is hating life. Tonight I will prob switch between Twins, DWTS results, and American Idol (which also sucks this season). I am going to try and figure out what to do for dinner, and enjoy actually having Dan home tonight since he wont be tomorrow OR Thursday. UGH ARGH BLAH!