Bad Day.

What a gross day. The kids made me upset today... life got the best of me today... I need to start winning those battles. I need to take control of those feelings and not let them get the best of me. It is so hard. I am battling and working towards that everyday.

Fat is how I feel... all of the time. I can't stand the way I look. Yet, I think to myself, if I had a baby right now, I would be thrilled if I looked like this. Yet, because I have no baby, I want every reminder of that to be gone. Eveytime I look in the mirror, I see her, I see me being pregnant, and having no baby. Eveytime it is a reminder. Will that ever go away? That is one of things that is the hardest for me right now. That along with me wondering if my body is doing what it needs to be doing. I am now back to worrying about something being wrong with me again. That is what led me to my official diagnosis of anxiety in the summer of 2008. What if I now have cysts on my ovaries? Are the cramps I am feeling normal... or is there something wrong? I notice every little twinge, afraid of it meaning that I will never have a happy baby. I need to get out of living in fear.

I have just about finished reading the book The Chemistry of Joy. It was such a good read, and made me feel a little more normal. I know not everyone deals with anxiety, but if you do, I highly recommend the book.

Well, I got the mail today. I got a baby magazine. Another one. Not sure I know WHY I am getting these magazines. I never bought a subscription... however I have gotten 3 since we lost the baby. For some reason, I can't seem to throw them away. I do not look at them, but I put them in a pile that has other things baby related... I like to hope that I will have a use for them sometime soon. Speaking of baby related... I have not touched the guest room aka should be baby room. It just has heaps of things... things of mine and Dans, things that were meant to be Elizabeth's. I just can't bring myself to clean/ organize it. I have wanted to since spring break... and just hate going in there since it is not a nursery, like it should be.

I guess I don't really know what else to say. My heart is still aching, and I want to feel like myself again. I want to be sincerely happy... not just have moments of happiness.

Sad, lonely, yet trying to be hopeful.

I just felt sad today. I have noticed days when it is gloomy out... it is a lot worse. I was just thinking how Dan and I began trying to get pregnant almost one year ago now, and look where we are. In my mind, we are even farther from having a baby then we were a year ago. My body has been so out of whack. If you haven't gone through what I am going through, you may not understand what I am feeling. I am so afraid of my body not doing what it should be doing, because it did something so wrong when I was pregnant. How do I know that my body is doing what it needs to be doing in order to get pregnant? I don't know. It is out of my control and that kills me. I hate this. I had hoped to be pregnant on our due date... but the closer we get, the more discouraged I become and the more unlikely it will be.

Onto another subject, Dan and I went to The Happy Gnome on Friday to celebrate Nick's (Dan's dad) birthday. It was so good! Beer was good, food was good, company was good. However, it is things such as having a pregnant waitress-- like we did for dinner-- that I am constantly trying to battle my feelings with. I swear, everytime I am in public, it is something like that. Anyway... the food was so good. I highly recommend it if you have never been there. It is off Selby Ave in St. Paul. We then met up with a couple of my friends from work-- they came over to the Gnome. We had good conversation, and like a bunch of old people, were tired and headed home around 11:15. :o)

Well... here it is. Another week about to begin. Another Sunday night. I have had a rough weekend, and hope that this week is better. Hopefully I can get Dan to go golfing next weekend... or to the driving range. He actually mentioned doing that today- but I didn't want to waste a trip to the golf course on a day when it is cold and windy! No new episode of Castle tomorrow... so I will spend my evening with Kolby and Maia watching DWTS. Hope you all have a good week.

Amniotic Band Syndrome

I realized I did not post when we found out what definitly caused Elizabeth's facial abnormalities. They were caused by something called Amniotic Band Syndrome--- NOT genetic, but a completely random thing. This was something that Dan felt really good about. Me on the other hand, it didn't make a difference. It didn't make Elizabeth healthy. If anything, I got more mad when our genteic counselor told us. She SHOULD have been born healthy. She would have had no problems had this stupid things not happened.

What Amniotic Band Syndrome is is when the amniotic sac's strands that make it up break and float in the sac. The baby's extremeties can get wrapped in it and it can cause a baby to lose a finger, toe, foot, hand, and in severe cases cause defects to the head. It is most common for a baby's hand or foot to be affected, thus not a life threatening problem. Of course, Murphy's Law, our baby's head got wrapped in it. The way it was explained to us was as if you wrapped a balloon with a rubber band, then tried blowing it up. Elizabeth's head was trying to grow, but this stupid band was in the way. The doctor told us this happened the first week of conception! So that was frustrating to hear as well. Also made us realize how strong she was. Her brain was not developing correctly, yet her heart was beating so strong! Doctor said a lot of women miscarry when this happens... but for some reason, I didn't. If I could have seen into the future when I found out I was going to have a baby, I would have been chosen to miscarry at 8 weeks, rather than going through 4 months of pregnancy, only to give birth to our baby that was not going to survive. Anyway, I don't need to get into that... just wanted to share what exactly caused Elizabeth's problems... since looking back, I never shared that with you.

Today-- was an ok day. I actually went for a run, however, my "eating better" has been ruined this week since I made homemade choc chip cookies Sunday. I am so week. I still have not drank pop, but I was down 3.5 lbs in a week, and chowing on these cookies put me right where I started. That is when I get down on myself, when I look at the scale. I have never been this weight/ size, and it truly depresses me... and then I eat away my emotions, which makes it worse. This is something I am working on/ through with my doctors.

DWTS was ok last night... but Kate REALLY needs to go. Poor Tony. He looks as though he is hating life. Tonight I will prob switch between Twins, DWTS results, and American Idol (which also sucks this season). I am going to try and figure out what to do for dinner, and enjoy actually having Dan home tonight since he wont be tomorrow OR Thursday. UGH ARGH BLAH!

33 Weeks.....

.... is how far along I should be today. That means 7 weeks is all I would have had until our little girl would have come home. I am at a place where I am not in tears typing that. However, I long for the day that we will have that. I am consumed with thoughts of being pregnant, and wanting to be pregnant. Dan and I are ready to try, and hoping God will bless us again with a VERY HEALTHY baby sometime soon.

Monday. Blah. Monday's are never a fun day, but with the Monday night TV line-up, there is a little bit to look forward to. Dancing With the Stars AND Castle. I really hope Kate is voted off this week, she is horrible. Jake is so annoying as well. Without good TV editing, he comes off as being the biggest tool. If you do not watch Castle, you should start. It is a fantastic show! I haven't had a show I watched weekly (that was not a reality show) since FRIENDS, and Castle is one I watch weekly. Is it as good as Friends?? No way. But I highly doubt there will ever be a show that will be as good as Friends. Seriously, on a daily basis, there is something in my day that will remind me of a FRIENDS episode. So anyway, good TV night tonight--- and with Dan having class on Monday nights, good TV helps.

Last week I started a new way of eating. My last pop was last Sunday-- so it has been a week. Anyone who has ever been close to me knows I am a huge pop drinker. I have tried to cut pop out of my life numerous times, and I really don't think I have ever gone this long without having any. I am drinking coffee still... so not cutting out caffeine completely, but all of that sugar and empty calories from pop. I have also been eating more complex carbs, less salt, and less sugar. I am only down 3 lbs in one week... my next step is working out more. UGH. I wish I had a trainer to kick my butt.

Let's see... conferences on Thursday night-- last one of the year = no kids on Friday at work, and only a half day. I hope this week goes fast.

Happy Monday to all and any of you that still read my posts!

I don't know why....

I had the urge to write out what I am feeling... so here I am. I have had probably the best week since we have lost Elizabeth- in terms of controling my feelings. However, for some reason, today I am struggling to get through the day. I just keep thinking about how unfair it is. Unfair that anyone needs to go through something like this. I begin to get down and I begin to think how many lows there have been in my life in the last 4-5 years. Dan would remind me of all the good things- like him :), but even my doctor gave some figure about how for every negative that you experience, it often takes 5 positives to compensate for it.

I want some good karma. I want to hold a baby, MY baby, in my arms. I wonder what Elizabeth's life would have been, had this stupid, stupid, thing not happened. I think about watching her play soccer, taking her to the lake, her grabbing the dogs tails. All of the things I imagined, never being able to do those things with her. Then I begin to wonder, will I ever experience that with my child- will i ever have one? Will Dan and I have a healthy baby? I don't care who you are, you can't guarantee that we will. Therefore, until that day comes, I will worry about it. I am just trying to manage the amount of time these thoughts consume on a daily basis, and how I allow them to affect my day. This is what I am getting better at, but for some reason, really struggling with today. It may be due to my lack of sleep the last couple of nights... or just because I am having a bad day, and I am allowed to have them!

I know it has been a while, and like I have said before, I have no idea if anyone is still reading this. I just needed to get my thoughts out. I need God to help me stay strong. Despite all of the crummy things that have happened, I have faith that He will continue to help me through this.