I had the urge to write out what I am feeling... so here I am. I have had probably the best week since we have lost Elizabeth- in terms of controling my feelings. However, for some reason, today I am struggling to get through the day. I just keep thinking about how unfair it is. Unfair that anyone needs to go through something like this. I begin to get down and I begin to think how many lows there have been in my life in the last 4-5 years. Dan would remind me of all the good things- like him :), but even my doctor gave some figure about how for every negative that you experience, it often takes 5 positives to compensate for it.
I want some good karma. I want to hold a baby, MY baby, in my arms. I wonder what Elizabeth's life would have been, had this stupid, stupid, thing not happened. I think about watching her play soccer, taking her to the lake, her grabbing the dogs tails. All of the things I imagined, never being able to do those things with her. Then I begin to wonder, will I ever experience that with my child- will i ever have one? Will Dan and I have a healthy baby? I don't care who you are, you can't guarantee that we will. Therefore, until that day comes, I will worry about it. I am just trying to manage the amount of time these thoughts consume on a daily basis, and how I allow them to affect my day. This is what I am getting better at, but for some reason, really struggling with today. It may be due to my lack of sleep the last couple of nights... or just because I am having a bad day, and I am allowed to have them!
I know it has been a while, and like I have said before, I have no idea if anyone is still reading this. I just needed to get my thoughts out. I need God to help me stay strong. Despite all of the crummy things that have happened, I have faith that He will continue to help me through this.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Update
Hi all. I have no idea if anyone checks to see if I update this... but I felt the urge to lately. I am happy to say I have been having more good days than bad ones. Something unexpectedly can make me switch from being happy to really upset... just ask Dan, but I have made it to work everyday for the last 2 weeks, which is a big improvement. The best way I can explain how I feel is that I have an empty feeling. A feeling I can't seem to fill to make go away... and I am assuming that may be there forever.
I have a really hard time seeing all the updates of people and their pregnancies on facebook. I understand their excitement, but it is always a reminder of what I don't have. I know that feeling will get less and less. It has already. But it is still hard. I think about how we should be working on the nursery, and how showers would be right around the corner. Also how far I would be (27 weeks Monday-- beginning my 3rd trimester already). Sometimes when I end up thinking of all of those things, it gets overwhelming.
Dan and I are taking a trip to Duluth this weekend... to get away, as well as for our anniversary. It will be 2 years already on the 17th! We also just booked a trip to San Diego for June. We will leave june 11th (my last day at work) and come back the 15th. Perfect timing since that should have been when elizabeth would have been born. I am so looking forward to that time away, just Dan and I. We really haven't had a trip like that. Even our honeymoon had all of our family there, so it should be fun.
I am getting my hair done today! So excited! It will be nice to get a nice fresh look to get ready for spring. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone is doing well.
I have a really hard time seeing all the updates of people and their pregnancies on facebook. I understand their excitement, but it is always a reminder of what I don't have. I know that feeling will get less and less. It has already. But it is still hard. I think about how we should be working on the nursery, and how showers would be right around the corner. Also how far I would be (27 weeks Monday-- beginning my 3rd trimester already). Sometimes when I end up thinking of all of those things, it gets overwhelming.
Dan and I are taking a trip to Duluth this weekend... to get away, as well as for our anniversary. It will be 2 years already on the 17th! We also just booked a trip to San Diego for June. We will leave june 11th (my last day at work) and come back the 15th. Perfect timing since that should have been when elizabeth would have been born. I am so looking forward to that time away, just Dan and I. We really haven't had a trip like that. Even our honeymoon had all of our family there, so it should be fun.
I am getting my hair done today! So excited! It will be nice to get a nice fresh look to get ready for spring. I will try to update more often. Hope everyone is doing well.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Missing Her
I sit here, on my couch, for most of the time at home... trying to sleep or get so involved with what I am watching. It hurts too much. I have done such a good job for the last month of playing it strong... I don't know if it is catching up to me... but my heart is just aching. I miss her. I miss my belly she gave me. I miss everytime I heard a date that was close to my due date me getting so excited and thinking about how close we would be to having our baby. I miss having Dan touch my belly. I miss my friends at work commenting on my belly and being excited about how it was growing.
I dread the snow melting... and March coming. The nicer the weather gets the more it reminds me I will have no baby. I want to get through this. I want to find a place in life when I can just be happy, but not forget. I want some consistency in my life. Me and Dan talk about if getting pregnant again will help... and I think it will... but yet I am so scared about getting pregnant again. What if this happens again? Then what? Everyone tells me the chances are low... but the chances were low with Elizabeth. Everyone always tells me I am a pessimist, and my response is always that I am a realist. I have had too many things hurt me in life... how can I not come to expect that... or at least think about it?
I want life to feel good again. I want to enjoy everyday, and hope that time comes soon.... sorry for the depressing post, but I am having a rough day today. I miss ELizabeth....
I dread the snow melting... and March coming. The nicer the weather gets the more it reminds me I will have no baby. I want to get through this. I want to find a place in life when I can just be happy, but not forget. I want some consistency in my life. Me and Dan talk about if getting pregnant again will help... and I think it will... but yet I am so scared about getting pregnant again. What if this happens again? Then what? Everyone tells me the chances are low... but the chances were low with Elizabeth. Everyone always tells me I am a pessimist, and my response is always that I am a realist. I have had too many things hurt me in life... how can I not come to expect that... or at least think about it?
I want life to feel good again. I want to enjoy everyday, and hope that time comes soon.... sorry for the depressing post, but I am having a rough day today. I miss ELizabeth....
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Three Weeks Ago Today
I can't believe it has been three weeks alrady since Elizabeth was born. I wasn't sure if or when I would come back to the blog and write, but I felt an urge to today. I have been writing a bit in a journal a friend gave me... but sometimes having the strength to do that is difficult.
Today was a milestone for me. Dan and I had a wedding to go to, one of his friend's from college. When we got the invite to the wedding, I remember being so excited thinking ahead to the date. February 6th... I would be realy showing, and get to buy a new cute dress. Dan and I would get to go to the wedding together, and I would be so proud to show my belly. We would know if we were having a boy and girl, and life would be wonderful. Needless to say, tonight was much different than that picture I had in my mind. I was very nervous for today, and had a rough morning. Many tears were shed... but I managed to pull myself together, with the help of Dan. Tonight would be the first night since we lost Elizabeth that Dan and I would actually go out.
The wedding was beautiful. I had my moments when I just wanted to hold onto my belly and cry, but it felt good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We both had a nice time. Congrats to Jenna and Stringer.
Also, I have made it through two weeks of work, one of which was a full 5 day week. Has it been easy? No. I have come home drained, not slept well at all, and often cry my way home from work. I think I try to keep myself pulled together all day long, so I get home and just lose it. Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard on me. Dan has classes and sometimes I just want the comfort of him being here with me on the couch. I am so lucky to have him. He keeps the kitchen clean and cooks for me.... because I still have no motivation for any of that. My poor upstairs bathroom... needs to be cleaned so bad. I just say oh well, it will survive until I get to it.
I am hoping for a phone call from Mary Ann this week. She was the genetic counselor we worked with. We should hopefully be finding out what specifically caused Elizabeth's birth defects. That will be a call I am anticipating, but also nervous about.
Dan and I are supporting eachother everyday, and everyday is different then the last. Some have smiles, most still have lots of tears. I still feel like I need to shut myself out from the world... for some reason it is easier for me to do that, than to face reality. Many people ask me how I am doing. The best way I can put it is I am looking forward to the time when I think about Elizabeth and what happened daily, but no longer having it consume my thougths 24/7.
For those of you praying and thinking of us, and giving us your support, we appreciate it more than you know.
Today was a milestone for me. Dan and I had a wedding to go to, one of his friend's from college. When we got the invite to the wedding, I remember being so excited thinking ahead to the date. February 6th... I would be realy showing, and get to buy a new cute dress. Dan and I would get to go to the wedding together, and I would be so proud to show my belly. We would know if we were having a boy and girl, and life would be wonderful. Needless to say, tonight was much different than that picture I had in my mind. I was very nervous for today, and had a rough morning. Many tears were shed... but I managed to pull myself together, with the help of Dan. Tonight would be the first night since we lost Elizabeth that Dan and I would actually go out.
The wedding was beautiful. I had my moments when I just wanted to hold onto my belly and cry, but it felt good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We both had a nice time. Congrats to Jenna and Stringer.
Also, I have made it through two weeks of work, one of which was a full 5 day week. Has it been easy? No. I have come home drained, not slept well at all, and often cry my way home from work. I think I try to keep myself pulled together all day long, so I get home and just lose it. Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard on me. Dan has classes and sometimes I just want the comfort of him being here with me on the couch. I am so lucky to have him. He keeps the kitchen clean and cooks for me.... because I still have no motivation for any of that. My poor upstairs bathroom... needs to be cleaned so bad. I just say oh well, it will survive until I get to it.
I am hoping for a phone call from Mary Ann this week. She was the genetic counselor we worked with. We should hopefully be finding out what specifically caused Elizabeth's birth defects. That will be a call I am anticipating, but also nervous about.
Dan and I are supporting eachother everyday, and everyday is different then the last. Some have smiles, most still have lots of tears. I still feel like I need to shut myself out from the world... for some reason it is easier for me to do that, than to face reality. Many people ask me how I am doing. The best way I can put it is I am looking forward to the time when I think about Elizabeth and what happened daily, but no longer having it consume my thougths 24/7.
For those of you praying and thinking of us, and giving us your support, we appreciate it more than you know.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Elizabeth's Story
A lot of you know what Dan and I have been through the last week and a half.... a lot of you know we have gone through something, but not sure what. I wanted to wait to write this until I felt strong enough too. As I am sitting here fighting back tears, I know this is always going to be difficult, but want to share our story. I will be sharing a condensed version, as if I wrote out everything, I don't think I could handle that right now.
As many of you know, Dan and I had our first ultrasound scheduled for last Monday, Jan 11. I was anxious, as always, in fear that we would find out something horrible. Well, my worst fear came true. On Monday night, we discovered our little girl had fatal abnormalities that would not allow for her to survive outside of my supporting her. She may even pass away while still living in me. Dan and I had a lot of decisions and obstacles that we were going to have to go through together in the next week.
When I first found out about our little girl, of course I was devastated. I wanted her out. It couldn't happen soon enough. I wanted to be knocked out and just have it over with. I couldn't imagine going through labor only to deliver our baby who will not survive. I was so scared. What was goin to happen.
On Tuesday we went into a perinatal specialist right at United Hospital. When I got in, they had to do another ultrasound. At the time I was thinking "are you kidding me?" I had to sit through another ultrasound knowing my baby was not going to live? I sat and cried during the entire thing. The ultrasound tech was fantastic, and understood how hard it was for me to go through it. She did it as quickly as she could. Once she was finished, the Dr. came in to discuss the results. He basically reiterated what we had already been told. Our little girl was not going to survive. We had to make some decisions on how we were going to handle it.
We met with a Genetic Counselor that same day to discuss our situation. Dan and I decided being induced into labor would be the best for us, looking out for our values, morals, and what would be best for me and my health, as well as Elizabeth. Carrying Elizabeth longer could have posed risks for me as well as her.
I was so scared. How was I going to have the strength to go through labor, and deliver our baby, knowing she would not survive? Labor is difficult knowing you have a beautiful baby to look forward to. How can I possibly be strong enough to go through labor, and know my poor little girl would not live?
Fast forward another Dr appt on Thursday and into Friday. Dan and I checked into United on Friday morning at 7:30. As we were walking to our hospital room, i started crying. stopped. And told Dan I couldn't do this. He reassured me we can do it, and we continued walking to meet our nurse, Lori. She walked us to our room, and got me all ready for wht was about to happen. At this point, I was so scared not only for the labor, but this was the first time I had ever been in the hospital. Lori got my port ready for an IV if I was going to need that later, went over our birth plan with us, and got the medicine put in to being my labor. She told me that I may need 3-4 doses before it begins to work, and they don't give me another dose for 6hrs. Needless to say, it was going to be along day.
Family was finally let into our room, and they were really shook up. My goal was to stay strong in front of them. I think I did a really good job of this.
I am going to fast forward to when my labor began. Finally around 9-10pm, contractions began. i was given some medication to ease the pain... but of course I was going to experience back labor as well. Finally around 11 i couldn't stand the pain, and knew that I had an epidural as an option. I didn't want it, but I knew when I got to the point of when I was willing to put my fears aside to ease the pain, that meant I needed it. Right before the dr came in for that, my water broke. This is when I had my first break down. I started crying uncontrollably, so afraid. I thought that was it. She was going to be here and we were really going to do this. Unfortunatly I will still only 1 cm, so it was going to be a while.
So I got the epidural, I was now getting pitocin, and hopefully progressing. Since i got the epidural, I was able to get some rest from about 2am-6am. Let's fast forward again, and 6:30 am, I tell the doctor I think I am ready. Sure enough, baby Elizabeth is ready to be born. She was born at 6:52 am, 8.5 oz, 8.5 in. She was the most precious, fragile, little girl. Her hands and feet were so perfect. She even had long nails already. She was beautiful. We held her, we cried, family came in to meet her, they held her, and cried. Elizabeth was baptized. Family said their goodbyes, and Dan and I were left alone with our little girl. We held her little hand around our finger, kissed those beautiful little feet, and said our goodbyes to our beautiful baby girl.
I know we have along road ahead. I can't even begin to tell you how much love I have in my hearth for Elizabeth, and my future children. I am so scared to be pregnant again, but at the same time, so badly want a healthy little baby. Right now, it is really hard to see everyone so happy with their families... when I sign on to facebook especially, I am constantly reminded. I look forward to those sleepless nights, diaper changes, late night feedings. If you have a healthy baby, please, do not complain about those moments. Know how BLESSED you are that you have those moments, and cherish them. I would give anything to have that with my Elizabeth. I cannot wait until Dan and i get to experience that with our next child.
In memory of our little Elizabeth. January 16, 2010.
Psalm 121.
As many of you know, Dan and I had our first ultrasound scheduled for last Monday, Jan 11. I was anxious, as always, in fear that we would find out something horrible. Well, my worst fear came true. On Monday night, we discovered our little girl had fatal abnormalities that would not allow for her to survive outside of my supporting her. She may even pass away while still living in me. Dan and I had a lot of decisions and obstacles that we were going to have to go through together in the next week.
When I first found out about our little girl, of course I was devastated. I wanted her out. It couldn't happen soon enough. I wanted to be knocked out and just have it over with. I couldn't imagine going through labor only to deliver our baby who will not survive. I was so scared. What was goin to happen.
On Tuesday we went into a perinatal specialist right at United Hospital. When I got in, they had to do another ultrasound. At the time I was thinking "are you kidding me?" I had to sit through another ultrasound knowing my baby was not going to live? I sat and cried during the entire thing. The ultrasound tech was fantastic, and understood how hard it was for me to go through it. She did it as quickly as she could. Once she was finished, the Dr. came in to discuss the results. He basically reiterated what we had already been told. Our little girl was not going to survive. We had to make some decisions on how we were going to handle it.
We met with a Genetic Counselor that same day to discuss our situation. Dan and I decided being induced into labor would be the best for us, looking out for our values, morals, and what would be best for me and my health, as well as Elizabeth. Carrying Elizabeth longer could have posed risks for me as well as her.
I was so scared. How was I going to have the strength to go through labor, and deliver our baby, knowing she would not survive? Labor is difficult knowing you have a beautiful baby to look forward to. How can I possibly be strong enough to go through labor, and know my poor little girl would not live?
Fast forward another Dr appt on Thursday and into Friday. Dan and I checked into United on Friday morning at 7:30. As we were walking to our hospital room, i started crying. stopped. And told Dan I couldn't do this. He reassured me we can do it, and we continued walking to meet our nurse, Lori. She walked us to our room, and got me all ready for wht was about to happen. At this point, I was so scared not only for the labor, but this was the first time I had ever been in the hospital. Lori got my port ready for an IV if I was going to need that later, went over our birth plan with us, and got the medicine put in to being my labor. She told me that I may need 3-4 doses before it begins to work, and they don't give me another dose for 6hrs. Needless to say, it was going to be along day.
Family was finally let into our room, and they were really shook up. My goal was to stay strong in front of them. I think I did a really good job of this.
I am going to fast forward to when my labor began. Finally around 9-10pm, contractions began. i was given some medication to ease the pain... but of course I was going to experience back labor as well. Finally around 11 i couldn't stand the pain, and knew that I had an epidural as an option. I didn't want it, but I knew when I got to the point of when I was willing to put my fears aside to ease the pain, that meant I needed it. Right before the dr came in for that, my water broke. This is when I had my first break down. I started crying uncontrollably, so afraid. I thought that was it. She was going to be here and we were really going to do this. Unfortunatly I will still only 1 cm, so it was going to be a while.
So I got the epidural, I was now getting pitocin, and hopefully progressing. Since i got the epidural, I was able to get some rest from about 2am-6am. Let's fast forward again, and 6:30 am, I tell the doctor I think I am ready. Sure enough, baby Elizabeth is ready to be born. She was born at 6:52 am, 8.5 oz, 8.5 in. She was the most precious, fragile, little girl. Her hands and feet were so perfect. She even had long nails already. She was beautiful. We held her, we cried, family came in to meet her, they held her, and cried. Elizabeth was baptized. Family said their goodbyes, and Dan and I were left alone with our little girl. We held her little hand around our finger, kissed those beautiful little feet, and said our goodbyes to our beautiful baby girl.
I know we have along road ahead. I can't even begin to tell you how much love I have in my hearth for Elizabeth, and my future children. I am so scared to be pregnant again, but at the same time, so badly want a healthy little baby. Right now, it is really hard to see everyone so happy with their families... when I sign on to facebook especially, I am constantly reminded. I look forward to those sleepless nights, diaper changes, late night feedings. If you have a healthy baby, please, do not complain about those moments. Know how BLESSED you are that you have those moments, and cherish them. I would give anything to have that with my Elizabeth. I cannot wait until Dan and i get to experience that with our next child.
In memory of our little Elizabeth. January 16, 2010.
Psalm 121.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
HUNGER!!
Can I BE any more hungry?
That was just a Chandler way of stating the fact that I am constantly hungry! All my close friends know that I somehow bring a Friends episode into many conversations.... :)
I have no snacks at school. I think I am going to head out from here and pick some stuff up so I can have it in my desk! I feel bad though eating in front of the kids... but hopefully they understand!
I can't wait for Monday. Seriously. I don't know how I am going to get any sleep on Sunday. Speaking of sleep, I had the 2nd best night sleep last night! I woke up when Dan came up to bed at like 11:30, but did not wake up once! I didn't wake up until my crow alarm went off on my phone, and I was so out of it I didn't realize what day it was! I was so bummed when I realized it was only Tuesday, but happy about the great night sleep.
Skin. Let me just say I hate mine right now. Seriously.... pregnancy glow my butt!! Who gets that? Not this lady! I get zit, after zit... and I feel so gross. I can't take anything for it either since I am pregnant. I just keep trying to tell myself it is worth it!
ALSO I am pretty sure I felt the baby move last night for sure for the first time! It felt like lots of little bubbles moving like a stream in my tummy... and it went on for a while! It was so cool.
Anyway.... I am heading out here, and gonna go get some food! Yay! Not looking forward to starting the cold car. Maybe next year's Christmas present??.... Electric car starter!
That was just a Chandler way of stating the fact that I am constantly hungry! All my close friends know that I somehow bring a Friends episode into many conversations.... :)
I have no snacks at school. I think I am going to head out from here and pick some stuff up so I can have it in my desk! I feel bad though eating in front of the kids... but hopefully they understand!
I can't wait for Monday. Seriously. I don't know how I am going to get any sleep on Sunday. Speaking of sleep, I had the 2nd best night sleep last night! I woke up when Dan came up to bed at like 11:30, but did not wake up once! I didn't wake up until my crow alarm went off on my phone, and I was so out of it I didn't realize what day it was! I was so bummed when I realized it was only Tuesday, but happy about the great night sleep.
Skin. Let me just say I hate mine right now. Seriously.... pregnancy glow my butt!! Who gets that? Not this lady! I get zit, after zit... and I feel so gross. I can't take anything for it either since I am pregnant. I just keep trying to tell myself it is worth it!
ALSO I am pretty sure I felt the baby move last night for sure for the first time! It felt like lots of little bubbles moving like a stream in my tummy... and it went on for a while! It was so cool.
Anyway.... I am heading out here, and gonna go get some food! Yay! Not looking forward to starting the cold car. Maybe next year's Christmas present??.... Electric car starter!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Murphy Christmas Day!
Hello all! I am just sitting on the couch cuddling with the pups... being lazy. I have one more day of this before I go back to reality... waiting then for our next break... Spring Break! I am SO looking forward to Castle being new episodes beginning on Monday, and the new season of The Bachelor! My Monday's will have a purpose now again :)
We have our Murphy Christmas today over at my Aunt and Uncle's. I wish we all got together more often than we do.... we have a big family and many of my cousins are married and have kids so it gets difficult to get us all together. I always look forward to seeing the fam!
So now that the holidays have just about come and gone... the dreadful "un-decorating" begins. I hate taking down Christmas decorations.... not only because it takes time, but I love having the Christmas tree up!
Well, almost a week from finding out if Baby Babich is a girl or boy! I am so glad our appt is early in the morning, as I would have probably not been able to concentrate on anything that day. More importantly, I really hope we see a healthy, active baby on the 11th. I think it will be so amazing to finally be able to see him or her!
Hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend... and stay warm!
We have our Murphy Christmas today over at my Aunt and Uncle's. I wish we all got together more often than we do.... we have a big family and many of my cousins are married and have kids so it gets difficult to get us all together. I always look forward to seeing the fam!
So now that the holidays have just about come and gone... the dreadful "un-decorating" begins. I hate taking down Christmas decorations.... not only because it takes time, but I love having the Christmas tree up!
Well, almost a week from finding out if Baby Babich is a girl or boy! I am so glad our appt is early in the morning, as I would have probably not been able to concentrate on anything that day. More importantly, I really hope we see a healthy, active baby on the 11th. I think it will be so amazing to finally be able to see him or her!
Hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend... and stay warm!
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