New school year brings a lot of changes. New students, new soccer season, new routines. With all that change, anxiety comes at me full force. For me, change is a trigger. Every school year- a new trimester- I am anxious. For some reason, I just can't completely kick this feeling. Normally 3 weeks into the school year, my anxiety would have leveled out. Right now, as I am typing this, it is in full force. Many who don't experience anxiety probably don't understand. Why are you anxious? What is causing it? That is the thing... it doesn't have to be anything. I try to pin point the cause, but when I think I do- something completely different will trigger it. I hate that I am on edge right now. I hate that I feel like I want to isolate myself. I hate that I feel like I am distancing myself from my husband- not because I want to- but because it is how my body is responding to the anxiety.
Why am I updating my blog now? Well... I really want to continue it because of the amount of people who have reached out to me saying it has helped them through something- also because I have become terrible at documenting things in the girls lives- at least I can continue here and the girls can read about it some day. What is my solution to the anxiety going to be? I think I need to make a Dr. appt. I hate to think I need to increase my meds- not sure if that is an option- but I need to get this under control. All of my energy is being used on my students, and I want to have energy to be involved with my family at home.
If you have never dealt with anxiety- I can't even imagine that- you are so lucky. If you never have dealt with anxiety yourself but care about someone who does- we know a lot of times the things we worry about is irrational. That is what anxiety is. Telling us it is dumb to worry about something will not help or stop us from it- we know a lot of the time it is irrational. Just being there- showing your support and you care- and listening- that is what helps in the moments we need it most.
In other news- the school year has been so great- we are off to a great start and I love my students. Soccer season is also off to a great start- and we are having fun! Brynnie LOVES school- and hasn't skipped a beat. Ella is starting to talk a lot more- and her personality is really starting to show. She loves playing with baby dolls, loves books, loves being outside, and loves copying her big sister. I had a weekend off of soccer and it was so nice yesterday to just spend time with the girls- I am looking forward to also doing that today.
Until next time....
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Brynn's Birthday
Man- I have thought about updating SO MANY times. Poor Ella. Brynn will have her baby book and the blog... I have barely done either for Ella! Those poor second children :)
I have SO MUCH to do tonight as I am leaving for AZ on Wednesday... but feel as though I needed to write tonight. 6 years ago, I had my ultrasound with Elizabeth. Yes, her birthday is on Saturday, but this is the day that rocked me like no other. January 11, 2010, was the worst day of my life. To have such mixed feelings on Brynn's birthday is really hard. I have been really happy celebrating Brynn-- she was my first take home baby, something I thought would never happen after losing Elizabeth. However, I was also heartbroken on this same day. I feel as though writing about Elizabeth is my way to make sure she knows I have not forgotten her. I think of her often, but do even more today. She made me a mom for the first time, and as sit here tonight I am sad thinking about the loss. I still wonder what would have been, not as often, because I wouldn't have my Brynnie, but she would be almost 6 and in Kindergarten. I love you baby girl!
AND then there is my next baby-- Miss Brynn. She is FIVE!!! I have a hard time thinking I am old enough to have a daughter that old. And to think school next year??? She is so ready. She is really enjoying skating-- ballet begins this week, too. We have taken a break from gymnastics for her to try ballet, so we shall see how that goes. She is super girly, yet loves her sports and hiking and exploring with dad. She is really sensitive, caring, and bubbly. Always on the go -- loves to play games and coloring. I feel so lucky to be her mom.
And then there is my Ella Bella. She is still just the happiest little girl! She is beginning to say a lot more words. Loves her sissy, to dance, books, and being chased! She loves to run around and squeal :) She will eat everything and anything- which we always make sure to show Brynn since Brynn is not like that. Both girls just make my heart so full.
I feel like I am always writing the same things about Elizabeth. I don't have anything groundbreaking to say about my time with her or the feelings I have. I just hurt and ache for her today. And like I said, I struggle with that since it is also Brynn's birthday, and I am so happy I have Brynn in my life. Funny how life works and those feelings mess with you. I do know, both girls will know they have a sister in heaven. Brynn is well aware of it and talks about her a lot.
I have SO MUCH to do tonight as I am leaving for AZ on Wednesday... but feel as though I needed to write tonight. 6 years ago, I had my ultrasound with Elizabeth. Yes, her birthday is on Saturday, but this is the day that rocked me like no other. January 11, 2010, was the worst day of my life. To have such mixed feelings on Brynn's birthday is really hard. I have been really happy celebrating Brynn-- she was my first take home baby, something I thought would never happen after losing Elizabeth. However, I was also heartbroken on this same day. I feel as though writing about Elizabeth is my way to make sure she knows I have not forgotten her. I think of her often, but do even more today. She made me a mom for the first time, and as sit here tonight I am sad thinking about the loss. I still wonder what would have been, not as often, because I wouldn't have my Brynnie, but she would be almost 6 and in Kindergarten. I love you baby girl!
AND then there is my next baby-- Miss Brynn. She is FIVE!!! I have a hard time thinking I am old enough to have a daughter that old. And to think school next year??? She is so ready. She is really enjoying skating-- ballet begins this week, too. We have taken a break from gymnastics for her to try ballet, so we shall see how that goes. She is super girly, yet loves her sports and hiking and exploring with dad. She is really sensitive, caring, and bubbly. Always on the go -- loves to play games and coloring. I feel so lucky to be her mom.
And then there is my Ella Bella. She is still just the happiest little girl! She is beginning to say a lot more words. Loves her sissy, to dance, books, and being chased! She loves to run around and squeal :) She will eat everything and anything- which we always make sure to show Brynn since Brynn is not like that. Both girls just make my heart so full.
I feel like I am always writing the same things about Elizabeth. I don't have anything groundbreaking to say about my time with her or the feelings I have. I just hurt and ache for her today. And like I said, I struggle with that since it is also Brynn's birthday, and I am so happy I have Brynn in my life. Funny how life works and those feelings mess with you. I do know, both girls will know they have a sister in heaven. Brynn is well aware of it and talks about her a lot.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Dirty Floors
How do I have a 9 month old?! She does not stop moving! I really can tell how bad my kitchen floor needs to be scrubbed-- hence the blog title today-- because her knees/ feet show it!
What is new with Ella? She has FOUR TEETH. Both girls got 2 at a time... and I am happy to say we survived her top 2 coming in at the same time. Not without a lot of waking up at night! She is pulling herself up any chance she gets... so we are at the stage where bumps on her head are happening! We also have to be careful of what is on the floor (harder now with a 4 year old!) because everything goes in that girls mouth! She enjoys her meals, and takes a bottle (unlike her older sister) like a champ! This has been so nice-- and I have been able to leave the house way more with her than I ever did with Brynn-- I suppose being a second time mom helps, too :)
Let's talk Brynn. Man. She is something. She seriously is the most amazing little 4 year old. She has been such a big help since having Ella... she can't get enough of her! I LOVE the age she is while having a little one because she can help so much! Brynn loves swimming, reading her books, playing soccer, gymnastics, playing outside, and just loving on everyone! She is super excited about being in the pre-k class this fall, and not needing to nap :) It is hard to believe we only have one more year before she is in school.
As far as me... I can't believe how fast time goes. I know we all say it. Soccer starts in a month and I have no idea how we got here! I feel so blessed to have had the time off- thanks to Jamberry and my hard working hubby! I have mixed feelings about going back. Even though I have been working while at home-- it isn't satisfying like teaching. I have missed seeing the light bulbs go off when a student finally gets something. I have missed seeing how excited they get when talking about space or doing a lab they love. I have missed smiles on their faces when they get a test back and they did well on it and they just light up. I have missed my coworkers who are friends. And I have missed the former students coming to my room to visit, check in, and say hi. As difficult as it will be leaving the girls, and getting up early again (ugh), there really is nothing that compares to those feelings that working with kids give you. These are the moments I need to remind myself of when I am frustrated at work and am having a bad day.
Dan and I will be heading to Boston for his cousins wedding! I am SO excited to celebrate with them and family-- and so excited to go on vk with Dan. It has been 5 years. We will be bringing Ella, and leaving Brynn. I am hoping she does ok! She did great when I went to Denver, but she was much younger! Flying with a little girl who only wants to go, go, go will be tough! She is pretty easy going so I think she will be great-- and we are done with teething for a bit (I hope) so she shouldn't be affected by that! Hoping we have warm weather- but not crazy hot :)
I will leave you with a few pics from our Family Photo Shoot from our good friends, The Beyer's! <3 p="">
What is new with Ella? She has FOUR TEETH. Both girls got 2 at a time... and I am happy to say we survived her top 2 coming in at the same time. Not without a lot of waking up at night! She is pulling herself up any chance she gets... so we are at the stage where bumps on her head are happening! We also have to be careful of what is on the floor (harder now with a 4 year old!) because everything goes in that girls mouth! She enjoys her meals, and takes a bottle (unlike her older sister) like a champ! This has been so nice-- and I have been able to leave the house way more with her than I ever did with Brynn-- I suppose being a second time mom helps, too :)
Let's talk Brynn. Man. She is something. She seriously is the most amazing little 4 year old. She has been such a big help since having Ella... she can't get enough of her! I LOVE the age she is while having a little one because she can help so much! Brynn loves swimming, reading her books, playing soccer, gymnastics, playing outside, and just loving on everyone! She is super excited about being in the pre-k class this fall, and not needing to nap :) It is hard to believe we only have one more year before she is in school.
As far as me... I can't believe how fast time goes. I know we all say it. Soccer starts in a month and I have no idea how we got here! I feel so blessed to have had the time off- thanks to Jamberry and my hard working hubby! I have mixed feelings about going back. Even though I have been working while at home-- it isn't satisfying like teaching. I have missed seeing the light bulbs go off when a student finally gets something. I have missed seeing how excited they get when talking about space or doing a lab they love. I have missed smiles on their faces when they get a test back and they did well on it and they just light up. I have missed my coworkers who are friends. And I have missed the former students coming to my room to visit, check in, and say hi. As difficult as it will be leaving the girls, and getting up early again (ugh), there really is nothing that compares to those feelings that working with kids give you. These are the moments I need to remind myself of when I am frustrated at work and am having a bad day.
Dan and I will be heading to Boston for his cousins wedding! I am SO excited to celebrate with them and family-- and so excited to go on vk with Dan. It has been 5 years. We will be bringing Ella, and leaving Brynn. I am hoping she does ok! She did great when I went to Denver, but she was much younger! Flying with a little girl who only wants to go, go, go will be tough! She is pretty easy going so I think she will be great-- and we are done with teething for a bit (I hope) so she shouldn't be affected by that! Hoping we have warm weather- but not crazy hot :)
I will leave you with a few pics from our Family Photo Shoot from our good friends, The Beyer's! <3 p="">
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Just Thinking.
It is funny. Thinking about Elizabeth is what usually prompts a blog entry. This blog started because of her, and it continues because of her. I kind of love that.
Elizabeth, or Ellie as we would have called her, would be turning 5 this June. She would have been starting Kindergarten in the fall. I often find myself pondering about what her personality would have been like. Spunky like Brynn? Independent? Quirky? I then also think about my life had she lived, because Brynn wouldn't be here. It is one of those weird conundrums... Just thinking about my girl this morning.
Ella is getting super mobile! She keeps popping up on her hands and knees-- I know it is just a matter of time! She is army crawling all over. I have to be careful about what is on the floor now :) She has sprouted both her bottom teeth -- same way Brynn did -- together and at the same age! She is giggling a lot more, and just adores her big sister. Brynn can make her laugh like no one else... and I love watching it.
Ella is liking some solids. I feel so clueless still about starting them. She is eating one solid meal a day-- some not at all-- and enjoys her time with us at the dinner table.
We just spent a weekend up on Lake Vermilion for Memorial Day- it was fun! Beautiful weather and both girls were great. We are heading up again to my all-time fav city- Nisswa this weekend. Dan will have officially been up north every weekend during the month of May-- he is in heaven!
Today is the last day of school for SSP kids. I LOVE that we started early and are getting out before June. I wish we could do this every year. It is funny, typically I would be so happy about the LONG summer I have ahead of me. However, considering I have not been at work since October 6, I am thinking about how little time I have left. It truly is bittersweet. I have LOVED my time at home-- but miss my co-workers SO MUCH and the interaction with them, as well as the kids! What don't I miss? The paperwork and the exhaustion that goes along with it.
It is a bizarre thought that Brynn has only 1 more year before Kindergarten herself. It is crazy how much thought I already have been putting in about where she should go. It seems like a huge decision! Which I know it is a big one, but she has a lot of good options :)
Here are some pics of our gorgeous weekend at Vermilion!
Elizabeth, or Ellie as we would have called her, would be turning 5 this June. She would have been starting Kindergarten in the fall. I often find myself pondering about what her personality would have been like. Spunky like Brynn? Independent? Quirky? I then also think about my life had she lived, because Brynn wouldn't be here. It is one of those weird conundrums... Just thinking about my girl this morning.
Ella is getting super mobile! She keeps popping up on her hands and knees-- I know it is just a matter of time! She is army crawling all over. I have to be careful about what is on the floor now :) She has sprouted both her bottom teeth -- same way Brynn did -- together and at the same age! She is giggling a lot more, and just adores her big sister. Brynn can make her laugh like no one else... and I love watching it.
Ella is liking some solids. I feel so clueless still about starting them. She is eating one solid meal a day-- some not at all-- and enjoys her time with us at the dinner table.
We just spent a weekend up on Lake Vermilion for Memorial Day- it was fun! Beautiful weather and both girls were great. We are heading up again to my all-time fav city- Nisswa this weekend. Dan will have officially been up north every weekend during the month of May-- he is in heaven!
Today is the last day of school for SSP kids. I LOVE that we started early and are getting out before June. I wish we could do this every year. It is funny, typically I would be so happy about the LONG summer I have ahead of me. However, considering I have not been at work since October 6, I am thinking about how little time I have left. It truly is bittersweet. I have LOVED my time at home-- but miss my co-workers SO MUCH and the interaction with them, as well as the kids! What don't I miss? The paperwork and the exhaustion that goes along with it.
It is a bizarre thought that Brynn has only 1 more year before Kindergarten herself. It is crazy how much thought I already have been putting in about where she should go. It seems like a huge decision! Which I know it is a big one, but she has a lot of good options :)
Here are some pics of our gorgeous weekend at Vermilion!
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Ella is 6 Months!
Wow-- I really stink at updating this. I think about doing it a LOT... and it gets put at the bottom of my to-do list! Ella's stats: She is in the 55% for weight, 90% for length (no surprise), and 95% for head (Def Murphy head!). Comparing her stats to Brynn... they are very similar. Ella's stats are adjusted for her being born at 37 weeks.
What are Ella's new tricks? She can sit unassisted for quite some time before she falls over. She rolls over both ways a LOT. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Seriously. {knock on wood} She just goes with the flow. Her smile is so contagious and I hope this gives us a look into her personality!
I have tried giving her sweet potatoes-- she is not too thrilled. I am in no hurry either because just nursing her, it is way too convenient :) I will try to more consistently this week.
One of the BEST things about Ella-- is seeing her and Brynn interact. There is nothing better. They both light up when they see each other. It is amazing and just makes me melt. Brynn still refers to her as her "new baby sister" -- it is so cute.
I have been going back and forth between feeling sad that we are done with babies, to feeling ok about it. I have 3 siblings, and when we all are getting along :) , it is super fun-- family gatherings, holidays, it is loud and I love it. Thinking about only having 2 kids, that is so different. It will allow us to be able to travel and do things that we weren't able to do as kids, and I love that. I have 2 healthy babies, and I love that. It just is a strange feeling thinking we are done. Packing up clothes and the swing as Ella outgrows it, it makes me sad thinking we will never use them again. But, then I ask myself, even if we have another one, would I still feel like that? Is it sad no matter when it happens? I just wish that Dan and I could at least discuss it-- but he is so anti 3 kids, so I just feel like it is something that I can't even think about. While I was pregnant with Ella-- I told everyone nope, we are for sure done. This is it. I think I really was trying to convince myself that it really was it. I always imagined having a large family... I wanted 4 babies. But, my body thinks otherwise. I suppose I do have 4 babies. Only 2 are living with us now. Anyway... just being transparent and thinking out loud. We are done. I am 97% sure of that.
As far as other things in life... My maternity leave has gone so fast-- I think it is because Jamberry has just blown up. Let me just say, before I decided to take the leap-- I NEVER even thought about doing anything like this. Jamberry was different to me though. It was new, it is a non-expensive product, it is super fun to have your nails done-- and I NEVER did because it was expensive to get manis all the time, and dang nail polish chipped or I was interrupted while doing them and they would get smudged! Dan only wanted me to take 3 months off of work for maternity leave-- that broke my heart. I wanted to so badly take at least 4-- and if somehow possible, the rest of the school year. I thought, hell, if this can give me an extra month of maternity leave... I will give it a shot. I began in May of last year... and Dan said if I earned $4,000 by December... I could take an extra month off. Well-- I surpassed my goal! I feel so blessed to have gotten all this time off. Jamberry has also given me something to do besides being a mom during my leave :) AND the friendships I have made... it is awesome. I have friends all across the country now-- which means places to travel to! :) Anyway-- I try to not plaster my Jamberry stuff on my personal FB page, because I know how annoying it is when people do that. I also wont talk about it a lot here, because that isn't what this blog is meant for. However, it is a big part of my life-- and has allowed me to spend time with my babies, and for that I am forever grateful. I truly just like spreading the love because I would love everyone I care about to have this blessing and financial freedom <3 p="">
I am really looking forward to soccer season. I miss the girls SO MUCH when I am not with them! They are so much fun and I feel like they keep me young!
I am hoping to get some stuff updated around the house before I go back to work in August-- we will see! Brynn is a busy bee-- but I am hoping once it is finally consistent summer weather, she will be outside a lot which will allow me to paint and get things done.
Here are some pictures -- Ella- 6 months old!
Brynn at Gymnastics!
Brynnie and Ella :)
Me and Ella in Denver
Loving her toes!
What are Ella's new tricks? She can sit unassisted for quite some time before she falls over. She rolls over both ways a LOT. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Seriously. {knock on wood} She just goes with the flow. Her smile is so contagious and I hope this gives us a look into her personality!
I have tried giving her sweet potatoes-- she is not too thrilled. I am in no hurry either because just nursing her, it is way too convenient :) I will try to more consistently this week.
One of the BEST things about Ella-- is seeing her and Brynn interact. There is nothing better. They both light up when they see each other. It is amazing and just makes me melt. Brynn still refers to her as her "new baby sister" -- it is so cute.
I have been going back and forth between feeling sad that we are done with babies, to feeling ok about it. I have 3 siblings, and when we all are getting along :) , it is super fun-- family gatherings, holidays, it is loud and I love it. Thinking about only having 2 kids, that is so different. It will allow us to be able to travel and do things that we weren't able to do as kids, and I love that. I have 2 healthy babies, and I love that. It just is a strange feeling thinking we are done. Packing up clothes and the swing as Ella outgrows it, it makes me sad thinking we will never use them again. But, then I ask myself, even if we have another one, would I still feel like that? Is it sad no matter when it happens? I just wish that Dan and I could at least discuss it-- but he is so anti 3 kids, so I just feel like it is something that I can't even think about. While I was pregnant with Ella-- I told everyone nope, we are for sure done. This is it. I think I really was trying to convince myself that it really was it. I always imagined having a large family... I wanted 4 babies. But, my body thinks otherwise. I suppose I do have 4 babies. Only 2 are living with us now. Anyway... just being transparent and thinking out loud. We are done. I am 97% sure of that.
As far as other things in life... My maternity leave has gone so fast-- I think it is because Jamberry has just blown up. Let me just say, before I decided to take the leap-- I NEVER even thought about doing anything like this. Jamberry was different to me though. It was new, it is a non-expensive product, it is super fun to have your nails done-- and I NEVER did because it was expensive to get manis all the time, and dang nail polish chipped or I was interrupted while doing them and they would get smudged! Dan only wanted me to take 3 months off of work for maternity leave-- that broke my heart. I wanted to so badly take at least 4-- and if somehow possible, the rest of the school year. I thought, hell, if this can give me an extra month of maternity leave... I will give it a shot. I began in May of last year... and Dan said if I earned $4,000 by December... I could take an extra month off. Well-- I surpassed my goal! I feel so blessed to have gotten all this time off. Jamberry has also given me something to do besides being a mom during my leave :) AND the friendships I have made... it is awesome. I have friends all across the country now-- which means places to travel to! :) Anyway-- I try to not plaster my Jamberry stuff on my personal FB page, because I know how annoying it is when people do that. I also wont talk about it a lot here, because that isn't what this blog is meant for. However, it is a big part of my life-- and has allowed me to spend time with my babies, and for that I am forever grateful. I truly just like spreading the love because I would love everyone I care about to have this blessing and financial freedom <3 p="">
I am really looking forward to soccer season. I miss the girls SO MUCH when I am not with them! They are so much fun and I feel like they keep me young!
I am hoping to get some stuff updated around the house before I go back to work in August-- we will see! Brynn is a busy bee-- but I am hoping once it is finally consistent summer weather, she will be outside a lot which will allow me to paint and get things done.
Here are some pictures -- Ella- 6 months old!
Brynn at Gymnastics!
Brynnie and Ella :)
Me and Ella in Denver
Loving her toes!
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A Lot on my Mind
I have no idea how long this post is going to be. I don't know why I just don't post more, and make them shorter. I open up to start typing, but then decide not to. I know this blog is more for me, but I also know a lot of you read this so I often think "why would anyone care?" Well, you might not... but my thoughts may help someone :) As I know they have. I do want to give you all a heads up I have a photo of my Elizabeth in this post. I don't want to trigger anything without giving you fair warning.
Let's start with Ella. My heart is so full everyday. Ella is such a doll, and between her and Brynn, I thank God daily. I am so blessed and can't believe I am fortunate enough to be a mom to them. I know it will get even deeper as Ella starts showing her personality... and her and Brynn begin playing with each other.
Ella is cooing and smiling a ton, and has rolled over from tummy to back. She is super strong-- always wanting to sit up. She is starting to drool a ton, so teething I think is going to be starting! She likes her nuk, which Brynn never used, so we will see if that continues. That will be new territory for us!
My maternity leave is up on March 16.... can't believe that is 2 months away. However, I have been fortunate to be able to request an extension to my leave... and have requested to take off the rest of the school year!! It hasn't been board approved yet, but hopeful it will be! I so miss the routine and my co-workers... but am SO looking forward to enjoying this time with Ella and Brynn... because it goes so fast, and it will be the last time going through it. Between Jamberry taking off for me, and my budget master husband.... this is what is allowing me to take all this time off. We may not get to buy fancy things, or go on vacations, or remodel parts of our 80s home, but that time will come eventually. I would rather have this time with my kiddos :)
The week of Brynn's birthday is always emotional-- this year it was more so than ever. Brynn has always known about Elizabeth. We talk about her. We include her in conversations. Brynn is now getting to the age where she asks a lot of questions about her. She tells me she misses her a lot. (She also tells me she misses Jesus when we tell her Elizabeth is with Jesus). I have Elizabeth's footprints in a heart mold on my dresser, and Brynn knows they are hers, and often likes to touch them.
January 16 was 5 years since Elizabeth's birth. I have such a hard time believing that. Time is so strange. The time leading up to my Jan 11 ultrasound in 2010 seemed to take forever. The time of healing and until I was pregnant with Brynn seemed to take forever. My pregnancy with Brynn seemed to take forever. The time we were trying to get pregnant after Brynn seemed to take forever. Yet, the last 5 years have flown by. How is that possible? I knew I had a disc of pictures from the day of Elizabeth's birth. They were in my sock drawer. I had been thinking that I would look at them on her birthday-- I hadn't looked at her pictures since right after she was born. Brynn really wanted to see her sister, so i decided she could look at her pictures with me.
It is amazing what time does-- to your memories-- how your mind knows to block things out to protect your heart, and to help you get through awful times. When I was looking at her pictures, I forgot how red she looked. How teeny tiny she looked. I was 20 weeks pregnant, so she was just about a pound. How perfect her feet and hands looked. How the hat the hospital put on her drowned her, since she was so tiny. It also made it real again. It is so strange going through something like this. I often find myself thinking "it wasn't a big deal. I was only 20 weeks pregnant. Some women carry to full term and go through this. Some people have been through worse." WHy do I do that? I again think its a way my mind protects itself. These pictures made it real again, and made those feelings I had come to the surface. I have been feeling not-myself since her birthday, just sad. I think it is because some of those feelings have re-surfaced. I also have found myself getting angry at things people say about pregnancy, and birth. Having a child is such a blessing, and I just think some people take it for granted. I had always wanted 3-4 kids, and now will be having 2 because of my history. I am ok with that, and SO thankful for 2 perfect, healthy kids. I feel selfish sometimes for having 2.
I realized I never posted a picture of Elizabeth. I decided now is the time to introduce the world to her. I chose one of my most favorite pictures of her. Her little feet with our hands.
Let's start with Ella. My heart is so full everyday. Ella is such a doll, and between her and Brynn, I thank God daily. I am so blessed and can't believe I am fortunate enough to be a mom to them. I know it will get even deeper as Ella starts showing her personality... and her and Brynn begin playing with each other.
Ella is cooing and smiling a ton, and has rolled over from tummy to back. She is super strong-- always wanting to sit up. She is starting to drool a ton, so teething I think is going to be starting! She likes her nuk, which Brynn never used, so we will see if that continues. That will be new territory for us!
My maternity leave is up on March 16.... can't believe that is 2 months away. However, I have been fortunate to be able to request an extension to my leave... and have requested to take off the rest of the school year!! It hasn't been board approved yet, but hopeful it will be! I so miss the routine and my co-workers... but am SO looking forward to enjoying this time with Ella and Brynn... because it goes so fast, and it will be the last time going through it. Between Jamberry taking off for me, and my budget master husband.... this is what is allowing me to take all this time off. We may not get to buy fancy things, or go on vacations, or remodel parts of our 80s home, but that time will come eventually. I would rather have this time with my kiddos :)
The week of Brynn's birthday is always emotional-- this year it was more so than ever. Brynn has always known about Elizabeth. We talk about her. We include her in conversations. Brynn is now getting to the age where she asks a lot of questions about her. She tells me she misses her a lot. (She also tells me she misses Jesus when we tell her Elizabeth is with Jesus). I have Elizabeth's footprints in a heart mold on my dresser, and Brynn knows they are hers, and often likes to touch them.
January 16 was 5 years since Elizabeth's birth. I have such a hard time believing that. Time is so strange. The time leading up to my Jan 11 ultrasound in 2010 seemed to take forever. The time of healing and until I was pregnant with Brynn seemed to take forever. My pregnancy with Brynn seemed to take forever. The time we were trying to get pregnant after Brynn seemed to take forever. Yet, the last 5 years have flown by. How is that possible? I knew I had a disc of pictures from the day of Elizabeth's birth. They were in my sock drawer. I had been thinking that I would look at them on her birthday-- I hadn't looked at her pictures since right after she was born. Brynn really wanted to see her sister, so i decided she could look at her pictures with me.
It is amazing what time does-- to your memories-- how your mind knows to block things out to protect your heart, and to help you get through awful times. When I was looking at her pictures, I forgot how red she looked. How teeny tiny she looked. I was 20 weeks pregnant, so she was just about a pound. How perfect her feet and hands looked. How the hat the hospital put on her drowned her, since she was so tiny. It also made it real again. It is so strange going through something like this. I often find myself thinking "it wasn't a big deal. I was only 20 weeks pregnant. Some women carry to full term and go through this. Some people have been through worse." WHy do I do that? I again think its a way my mind protects itself. These pictures made it real again, and made those feelings I had come to the surface. I have been feeling not-myself since her birthday, just sad. I think it is because some of those feelings have re-surfaced. I also have found myself getting angry at things people say about pregnancy, and birth. Having a child is such a blessing, and I just think some people take it for granted. I had always wanted 3-4 kids, and now will be having 2 because of my history. I am ok with that, and SO thankful for 2 perfect, healthy kids. I feel selfish sometimes for having 2.
I realized I never posted a picture of Elizabeth. I decided now is the time to introduce the world to her. I chose one of my most favorite pictures of her. Her little feet with our hands.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Reflections on Anxiety
First-- Ella's 2 month stats. She was 10 lbs. 2 oz. and 22 inches long. 95% for length, 75% for weight-- very similar to Brynn. She *almost* rolled over the other night- I can't believe she is already rolling to her side! She is such a good baby and we feel so blessed. Brynn has not gotten jealous once of her-- and ask my sister Shannon-- we have come a long way from when Connor (my nephew) was born!
Now to my theme of this entry-- Anxiety. I probably have other posts on the exact same things as this one is going to have-- but I have been blogging since 2010 so I can't remember every one. Not to mention the title of this blog talks about anxiety-- I have been very transparent on that part of my life. A lot of people try hiding it-- and that is every individual's choice-- I used to feel that way. Once anxiety caused me to have a debilitating life-- it became to hard to hide. I now am really open about it and comfortable with it-- it doesn't define me... however, it is a part of me and makes me who I am.
Ask my family-- I have been a "worrier" even before I knew what that meant. I remember one of my biggest fears as a child was that my house was going to start on fire. I would see our smoke detector and immediately feel that pit in my stomach come. I was convinced it would happen. I hated bedtime. I remember even up until my teens-- having anxiety over not being in bed before my parents. There was something comforting in falling asleep knowing my parents were in the room next to me-- and I could hear the Cheers theme song playing. To this day whenever I hear that, I think of those moments lying in bed with my mom and dad in the room next to me.
I was also the kid that would call home in the middle of the night to have my mom come get me-- I would be so anxious and scared-- and bless my mom for letting me try when I would beg her to let me try-- I wouldn't call home this time-- then I would call. I would be crying-- because of hating how I felt and not having control over this feeling-- and being embarrassed about what my friends parents would say in the morning when they realized I went home.
Another memory that stands out was when I would go to my Grandma Dots house in the summer-- I would spend a lot of time there. Whenever I heard sirens, the pit in my stomach came. I lived pretty close to my grandma's so when I heard sirens, I was always so scared they were going to my house-- so I would call home to my mom and make sure things were ok. I reflect on this as an adult-- and think how sad that here I was-- 10 years old-- being so scared about things such as this. I knew I worried as a kid-- my family would call me a "worry wort"... but I don't know if anyone really realized the extent of my worries. I was able to live with these feelings. I was always concerned about pleasing people, and disappointing people. I even still am today. I didn't realize that all of these things I was experiencing was due to me having anxiety disorder.
Growing up-- I had ebbs and flows of the severity of my anxiety. I couldn't tell you my triggers-- other than my smoke detector in my house, and sirens. It came time for me to go to college. How in the world did I manage to live 4 years away from home... playing DII soccer? Well, it wasn't easy at first. I remember calling home every night crying my first week at school. I am introverted. I was going into preseason hurt so my confidence wasn't as high. I survived, met some amazing friends, and college was actually some of my least anxious times of my life. I know what you are thinking-- probably because you drank and partied. No. Again, anyone who knows me knows that is not me. I was not a partier in college. Not to mention with soccer, we weren't give many opportunities to do that-- and I am a rule follower :) I just think I kept myself so busy with school, soccer, GREAT friends, an amazing and supportive boyfriend.... it truly was a great time in my life.
So, when did my anxiety come crashing back with a vengeance?? Once my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004-- it slowly started creeping back. I know I have blogged about this before, so I will make this part short, but it got to the point where I was curled in a ball, on the couch, in the dark, crying on and off begging God to make me "normal", because I was convinced I had cancer. Side note-- the strange thing about anxiety that people who don't have it may not understand-- I KNOW my thoughts most of the time are irrational... but guess what?? I can't help it. That is was anxiety disorder is. I would find myself searching for swollen lymph nodes (My dad had lymphoma), looking for sores in my mouth, researching pains I was experiencing in my shins-- convincing myself I had Leukemia. I had hit an all.time.low. I finally forced myself to go into the doctor. I was given medication for depression. Ok. You know those forms you fill out at the doctors office sometimes? Yea. I had all those symptoms of depression. Feels worthless. Sleeps all the time. Thoughts of not wanting to live. But guess what?? My ANXIETY was making me depressed. Those symptoms were a result of my anxiety. It would take a couple more years for me to realize this-- but I wasn't depressed.
Depression and Anxiety are often treated with the same meds. I can't tell you what I was on this first time... I have been on a variety of meds. However, the prescription the Dr. gave me worked. I started feeling the "edge" go away almost immediately. I continued taking these meds for a while... I can't remember when I stopped but there were a couple of times from this diagnosis until Bella died where I would be on meds, then off. At this point, my anxiety was under control.
Then 2007 happened. It started as a great year-- Dan and I got engaged, we had an adorable yellow lab puppy, we bought our new home.... However, November happened. My dad has his stem cell transplant, and Bella was killed. This began a snowball affect of anxiety and tough times in Dan and my life. I could go on and on about little things that added up to help this snowball get bigger.... but needless to say with Elizabeth's death in 2010-- it was an up and down of emotions.
Today-- something as small as feeling guilty about not getting my house clean, or laundry done, etc. can make me feel anxious. It's that perfectionism piece. I feel shame when things aren't "perfect"-- again I know its ok that things aren't-- that isn't the point-- its that feeling of it that I can't control.
I was inspired to write about this today because of a story that a friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning. I think anxiety is something that people think you can control-- just stop worrying-- it has taken my family-- especially Dan-- a while to understand it. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live with someone like me when I am at a low :) I fortunately have had numerous doctors supportive and helpful in treatment and getting me to where I am today where I am able to manage and cope with my anxiety. There are still days where a trigger will make it flare up-- or days where I am feeling on edge and anxious for no apparent reason-- but I have a lot less bad days now-- and somewhat feel "normal."
Here is the link to the article. What Anxiety Actually Is I can relate to 95% of what is discussed here- the funny thing about anxiety is everyone has different triggers. Unlike this article-- sports were the one place I didn't get anxiety. I thrived on the soccer field and think this was one of the places I felt the most safe and happy-- I think it helped me cope growing up with my anxiety :)
Now to my theme of this entry-- Anxiety. I probably have other posts on the exact same things as this one is going to have-- but I have been blogging since 2010 so I can't remember every one. Not to mention the title of this blog talks about anxiety-- I have been very transparent on that part of my life. A lot of people try hiding it-- and that is every individual's choice-- I used to feel that way. Once anxiety caused me to have a debilitating life-- it became to hard to hide. I now am really open about it and comfortable with it-- it doesn't define me... however, it is a part of me and makes me who I am.
Ask my family-- I have been a "worrier" even before I knew what that meant. I remember one of my biggest fears as a child was that my house was going to start on fire. I would see our smoke detector and immediately feel that pit in my stomach come. I was convinced it would happen. I hated bedtime. I remember even up until my teens-- having anxiety over not being in bed before my parents. There was something comforting in falling asleep knowing my parents were in the room next to me-- and I could hear the Cheers theme song playing. To this day whenever I hear that, I think of those moments lying in bed with my mom and dad in the room next to me.
I was also the kid that would call home in the middle of the night to have my mom come get me-- I would be so anxious and scared-- and bless my mom for letting me try when I would beg her to let me try-- I wouldn't call home this time-- then I would call. I would be crying-- because of hating how I felt and not having control over this feeling-- and being embarrassed about what my friends parents would say in the morning when they realized I went home.
Another memory that stands out was when I would go to my Grandma Dots house in the summer-- I would spend a lot of time there. Whenever I heard sirens, the pit in my stomach came. I lived pretty close to my grandma's so when I heard sirens, I was always so scared they were going to my house-- so I would call home to my mom and make sure things were ok. I reflect on this as an adult-- and think how sad that here I was-- 10 years old-- being so scared about things such as this. I knew I worried as a kid-- my family would call me a "worry wort"... but I don't know if anyone really realized the extent of my worries. I was able to live with these feelings. I was always concerned about pleasing people, and disappointing people. I even still am today. I didn't realize that all of these things I was experiencing was due to me having anxiety disorder.
Growing up-- I had ebbs and flows of the severity of my anxiety. I couldn't tell you my triggers-- other than my smoke detector in my house, and sirens. It came time for me to go to college. How in the world did I manage to live 4 years away from home... playing DII soccer? Well, it wasn't easy at first. I remember calling home every night crying my first week at school. I am introverted. I was going into preseason hurt so my confidence wasn't as high. I survived, met some amazing friends, and college was actually some of my least anxious times of my life. I know what you are thinking-- probably because you drank and partied. No. Again, anyone who knows me knows that is not me. I was not a partier in college. Not to mention with soccer, we weren't give many opportunities to do that-- and I am a rule follower :) I just think I kept myself so busy with school, soccer, GREAT friends, an amazing and supportive boyfriend.... it truly was a great time in my life.
So, when did my anxiety come crashing back with a vengeance?? Once my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004-- it slowly started creeping back. I know I have blogged about this before, so I will make this part short, but it got to the point where I was curled in a ball, on the couch, in the dark, crying on and off begging God to make me "normal", because I was convinced I had cancer. Side note-- the strange thing about anxiety that people who don't have it may not understand-- I KNOW my thoughts most of the time are irrational... but guess what?? I can't help it. That is was anxiety disorder is. I would find myself searching for swollen lymph nodes (My dad had lymphoma), looking for sores in my mouth, researching pains I was experiencing in my shins-- convincing myself I had Leukemia. I had hit an all.time.low. I finally forced myself to go into the doctor. I was given medication for depression. Ok. You know those forms you fill out at the doctors office sometimes? Yea. I had all those symptoms of depression. Feels worthless. Sleeps all the time. Thoughts of not wanting to live. But guess what?? My ANXIETY was making me depressed. Those symptoms were a result of my anxiety. It would take a couple more years for me to realize this-- but I wasn't depressed.
Depression and Anxiety are often treated with the same meds. I can't tell you what I was on this first time... I have been on a variety of meds. However, the prescription the Dr. gave me worked. I started feeling the "edge" go away almost immediately. I continued taking these meds for a while... I can't remember when I stopped but there were a couple of times from this diagnosis until Bella died where I would be on meds, then off. At this point, my anxiety was under control.
Then 2007 happened. It started as a great year-- Dan and I got engaged, we had an adorable yellow lab puppy, we bought our new home.... However, November happened. My dad has his stem cell transplant, and Bella was killed. This began a snowball affect of anxiety and tough times in Dan and my life. I could go on and on about little things that added up to help this snowball get bigger.... but needless to say with Elizabeth's death in 2010-- it was an up and down of emotions.
Today-- something as small as feeling guilty about not getting my house clean, or laundry done, etc. can make me feel anxious. It's that perfectionism piece. I feel shame when things aren't "perfect"-- again I know its ok that things aren't-- that isn't the point-- its that feeling of it that I can't control.
I was inspired to write about this today because of a story that a friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning. I think anxiety is something that people think you can control-- just stop worrying-- it has taken my family-- especially Dan-- a while to understand it. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live with someone like me when I am at a low :) I fortunately have had numerous doctors supportive and helpful in treatment and getting me to where I am today where I am able to manage and cope with my anxiety. There are still days where a trigger will make it flare up-- or days where I am feeling on edge and anxious for no apparent reason-- but I have a lot less bad days now-- and somewhat feel "normal."
Here is the link to the article. What Anxiety Actually Is I can relate to 95% of what is discussed here- the funny thing about anxiety is everyone has different triggers. Unlike this article-- sports were the one place I didn't get anxiety. I thrived on the soccer field and think this was one of the places I felt the most safe and happy-- I think it helped me cope growing up with my anxiety :)
Monday, December 8, 2014
Baby Ella
I have begun multiple posts, and haven't finished. Not sure why... I guess I haven't felt like writing a whole lot. I just logged in and realized I hadn't written Ella's birth story.... so I better do that before I forget. Ella is now 7 weeks old, so I apologize-- this will probably be a long post.
So the night before Ella was born, Dan and I had a heated discussion on names. I had thought we had agreed on a name... but apparently I was wrong :) Throughout this pregnancy Dan never wanted to talk about it names... we have time, we have time. Guess what he said the night before we were having our baby? WE HAVE TIME! Ha. Our baby girl was being born the next day, she didn't have a name, and Dan responds we have time. I am a PLANNER and hate not being in control of things... so the fact we had no name-- I was freaking out-- that and the fact I was having a baby the next day-- we managed to get to bed and get a few hours sleep.
Let me say how much I LOVE St. John's. I know I have said it before... but seriously-- amazing. I only had one experience that I didn't love which I will get to-- but overall-- awesome.
As I was being prepped for surgery, it was much different than with Brynn. I was so much more aware of what was going on-- since it wasn't an emergency. Of course the Doctors like that because they aren't all running around, but it almost seemed scarier because I had time to think about it. My Dr.-- I LOVE her-- seriously. She stopped in and gave me a hug, and then next I saw her was in the operating room.
While I was laying on the table getting prepped-- My blood pressure was super low and I felt nauseous. This is a side effect of whatever drugs they had me on-- but what a bizarre feeling. They were able to give me more drugs to help with it-- thank goodness. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience when I had that low BP.
It was time to bring Dan in and meet our baby. Dan loves this stuff-- so he watched and took some pics. :) Finally our baby girl was born! She had no name! One of the reasons we chose to deliver at St. John's was I still got to do skin-to-skin with our baby while in the emergency room. Dan cut her cord, and they immediately put her on my chest while they finished stitching me up. I got to go right back into the same room I began in for recovery-- no switching rooms, and Ella was on my chest the whole time. She latched on immediately when I tried to nurse her-- and I was in such a euphoric state. The whole time in the hospital I felt this way... it may have been the pain meds... but I was on cloud 9.
My time at the hospital was nice! Every nurse I had was amazing-- one I had every day was also a lactation consultant so I think that helped a lot with the nursing. Even thought I nursed Brynn, it still took some getting used to with Ella. We also decided on Ella later that day... her name is Ella Grace. Grace was Elizabeth's middle name... so both Brynn and Ella carry a piece of our girl with them <3 p="">
So I said there was one no-so-good incident at the hospital. Since Ella's Dr. doesn't do visits at St. John's, we had a Resident Dr. from the U-- long story short-- when she was doing her exam on Ella, she started talking about a dimple on her butt and said the words "Spina Bifida." I turned white and my eyes met my moms. Mind you-- we had family -- a lot of it-- in our room at this time. WTF did she just say? I ask her what she is talking about and she says "oh, she is fine, this dimple is closed" blah blah blah. I am sorry-- you don't not say things like that to an anxious mother who has had one daughter that did not survive and has bad anxiety. I was really upset. It was almost as though she was trying to prove to us she knows a lot of stuff-- like "oh, I know what this is, I read about it in my med school textbook." I was able to get over that for the rest of my time in the hospital... but once I was home, I began fixated on it. My anxiety-- includes a bit of OCD. I get ideas in my head and fixate on them and can't let it go. Couple that with the changes I am going through with hormones-- I was a mess. At Ella's first check up-- her poor Dr. got to see me break down! ha. I explained to her what had happened and showed her this dimple, and she reassured me she is perfect and it is nothing to worry about. Dan also had strep throat the first week we were home... so I was stressed about feeling like I was alone with the girls. Anyway, we survived!
Ella was 7lbs 10 oz when she was born. At her one month appt, she was up to 9lbs 2 oz. She is in the 90th percentile for height/ weight/ and head circumference. They do adjust it based on her gestational age since she was born at 37 weeks.
She is a really good baby-- the only time she cries is if she is hungry. We have finally gotten her to take a nuk which helps, and she has been sleeping in the co-sleeper now! Brynn is SO in love with her and has been an amazing sister and big help. It is so fun-- now if we could keep Brynn healthy so I wouldn't be as worried about her being in her face... that would help.
I am going to try and keep up with updating as we reach milestones. I love being able to go back and read about Brynn-- so I would like to be able to with Ella! This week-- Smiles! Ella is smailing a lot at us.
So the night before Ella was born, Dan and I had a heated discussion on names. I had thought we had agreed on a name... but apparently I was wrong :) Throughout this pregnancy Dan never wanted to talk about it names... we have time, we have time. Guess what he said the night before we were having our baby? WE HAVE TIME! Ha. Our baby girl was being born the next day, she didn't have a name, and Dan responds we have time. I am a PLANNER and hate not being in control of things... so the fact we had no name-- I was freaking out-- that and the fact I was having a baby the next day-- we managed to get to bed and get a few hours sleep.
Let me say how much I LOVE St. John's. I know I have said it before... but seriously-- amazing. I only had one experience that I didn't love which I will get to-- but overall-- awesome.
As I was being prepped for surgery, it was much different than with Brynn. I was so much more aware of what was going on-- since it wasn't an emergency. Of course the Doctors like that because they aren't all running around, but it almost seemed scarier because I had time to think about it. My Dr.-- I LOVE her-- seriously. She stopped in and gave me a hug, and then next I saw her was in the operating room.
While I was laying on the table getting prepped-- My blood pressure was super low and I felt nauseous. This is a side effect of whatever drugs they had me on-- but what a bizarre feeling. They were able to give me more drugs to help with it-- thank goodness. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience when I had that low BP.
It was time to bring Dan in and meet our baby. Dan loves this stuff-- so he watched and took some pics. :) Finally our baby girl was born! She had no name! One of the reasons we chose to deliver at St. John's was I still got to do skin-to-skin with our baby while in the emergency room. Dan cut her cord, and they immediately put her on my chest while they finished stitching me up. I got to go right back into the same room I began in for recovery-- no switching rooms, and Ella was on my chest the whole time. She latched on immediately when I tried to nurse her-- and I was in such a euphoric state. The whole time in the hospital I felt this way... it may have been the pain meds... but I was on cloud 9.
My time at the hospital was nice! Every nurse I had was amazing-- one I had every day was also a lactation consultant so I think that helped a lot with the nursing. Even thought I nursed Brynn, it still took some getting used to with Ella. We also decided on Ella later that day... her name is Ella Grace. Grace was Elizabeth's middle name... so both Brynn and Ella carry a piece of our girl with them <3 p="">
So I said there was one no-so-good incident at the hospital. Since Ella's Dr. doesn't do visits at St. John's, we had a Resident Dr. from the U-- long story short-- when she was doing her exam on Ella, she started talking about a dimple on her butt and said the words "Spina Bifida." I turned white and my eyes met my moms. Mind you-- we had family -- a lot of it-- in our room at this time. WTF did she just say? I ask her what she is talking about and she says "oh, she is fine, this dimple is closed" blah blah blah. I am sorry-- you don't not say things like that to an anxious mother who has had one daughter that did not survive and has bad anxiety. I was really upset. It was almost as though she was trying to prove to us she knows a lot of stuff-- like "oh, I know what this is, I read about it in my med school textbook." I was able to get over that for the rest of my time in the hospital... but once I was home, I began fixated on it. My anxiety-- includes a bit of OCD. I get ideas in my head and fixate on them and can't let it go. Couple that with the changes I am going through with hormones-- I was a mess. At Ella's first check up-- her poor Dr. got to see me break down! ha. I explained to her what had happened and showed her this dimple, and she reassured me she is perfect and it is nothing to worry about. Dan also had strep throat the first week we were home... so I was stressed about feeling like I was alone with the girls. Anyway, we survived!
Ella was 7lbs 10 oz when she was born. At her one month appt, she was up to 9lbs 2 oz. She is in the 90th percentile for height/ weight/ and head circumference. They do adjust it based on her gestational age since she was born at 37 weeks.
She is a really good baby-- the only time she cries is if she is hungry. We have finally gotten her to take a nuk which helps, and she has been sleeping in the co-sleeper now! Brynn is SO in love with her and has been an amazing sister and big help. It is so fun-- now if we could keep Brynn healthy so I wouldn't be as worried about her being in her face... that would help.
I am going to try and keep up with updating as we reach milestones. I love being able to go back and read about Brynn-- so I would like to be able to with Ella! This week-- Smiles! Ella is smailing a lot at us.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Full Circle
Brynn's birthday is January 11, 2011. She was born exactly one year, to the date, of my ultrasound with Elizabeth discovering she was not going to live. In one full year, I experienced the most devastating day of my life, and the happiest day of my life.
One year ago today, October 16, 2013, I thought I was miscarrying... Sad, but glad that's all it was. My world was flipped upside down when I received a phone call from a nurse telling me they are pretty sure I'm having an ectopic pregnancy... I needed to come in immediately. I no longer was just miscarrying and my body could deal with this loss on its own... I was at St. John's hospital, heading to the cancer treatment facility, to terminate my ectopic pregnancy. Here I am, once again, full circle, one year later, awaiting the arrival of my second baby. The timing of these experiences is just so crazy to me. I am so thankful I met my Dr. while experiencing my ectopic as well... She is amazing.
I have not had an easy road, and people who don't know what I've experienced make comments all.the.time when I tell them I am done after this. They say "you'll need to try for a boy!" No. I hopefully will have two beautiful, healthy, baby girls in my arms tomorrow, and that's sounds perfect.
I know there are people who've experienced a lot worse than I have, as well as others that can't imagine experiencing what we've been through-- that's where I was 5 years ago. I am the mother I am to Brynn and to our no-name daughter :) because of my experience and time with Elizabeth. ❤️
I can't wait to update you all on the birth of our baby girl!
Thursday, October 9, 2014
36 Weeks
I said I would be better... There were many times I thought about posting/ updating... And I really should have... But just have a hard time thinking anyone cares about me and my boring life :)
I'm 36 weeks 1 day pregnant, and ready to be DONE. I have one week... This little girl will be entering the work next Friday-- hopefully with a name! I'm excited and nervous. Nervous for recovery-- having a c-section... And nervous to have 2 kids to take care of, working full time, keeping house clean, daily chores, spending time with my family.... Makes me tired thinking about it! Although I've gotten so used to feeling tired and crummy pregnant- I have to remind myself I won't be pregnant anymore! EVER again!
It is funny how every pregnancy is different. I haven't gained as much weight this time around, but I was diagnosed with GD which really suprised me. It was whacky at first, but now it's almost as if I don't have it anymore... Weird I know but my numbers are really low and good. Recently I have been diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) which came on later than it did with Brynn... And not as bad. Funny how different doctors treat it though! This dr-- whom I LOVE-- is way more cautious with PIH than my Dr with Brynn. She sent me to the hospital for monitoring on Monday because I went in not feeling right-- BP 160/82 and blurry vision. My readings over night ranged from 120/77 to 140/82 so was released! I was really glad.
Now I sit at home- not able to work- leaving abruptly- and in the most important part of our season-- SECTIONS! I'm trying to distance myself because my passion = probably rising BP but it's hard. Lauby and Hootie have been AMAZING and helping a ton.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Second Trimester
Today I am 14 weeks. Hello second trimester. However, I feel like I look like I'm 20 weeks. Oh well... Uterus knows what it's doing third time around. I'm still nauseous. Not quite as tired. I also am pretty sure I felt the baby for the first time this week so that is exciting. Two more weeks until we should find out if baby is a boy or girl. Here is a pic of me, tonight, at 14 weeks.
I've been sick this week which hasn't been fun. I've been throwing up more, and it's funny sometimes I don't know if it's due to being pregnant or sick. This week it's been a combination-- it hasn't been fun. I'm hoping to get a good night sleep tonight.
I guess the biggest news is Brynn is having surgery at Children's Hospital to get a cyst removed from her neck. They think it may be what is called a thyroglossal duct cyst (google it if you want more info) or just a dermoid. Nothing serious, but needs to be removed so it doesn't get bigger/ infected. I know I'm so lucky she is healthy and things could be worse but I'm nervous about the process and her being put under. I'm hoping we get to come home, but we may need to stay, depends on how surgery goes I guess. Positive thoughts and prayers for Miss Brynn would be appreciated! Her surgery is at 8am, but we have to check in at 6:30 so it's gonna be an early morning!
This pregnancy is going much quicker than Brynn's. It's been nice. As a side note, 4 years ago today I found out I was pregnant with her!
I'll update about Brynn's surgery this weekend. ❤️
Sunday, April 27, 2014
12 Weeks and Counting.
12 weeks 4 days. I'm just about a week away from the second trimester! Hard to believe but glad... Because I'm hoping this nausea is on it's way out. I'm so sick of feeling hungover but not having the fun that comes before it :) however, I am so glad I am experiencing it because I am carrying a healthy baby.
So here is where I am at mentally... We will see if you stay with me. I'm a freak. I always refer to myself as that. I just can't win. I have had nothing but great news during this 4th pregnancy. I had my Nuchal Translucensy (NT) scan this week. This test measures the percentage/ chance of baby being born with any chromosomal abnormalities-- such as Down syndrome and spina bifida. Measurements and blood tests all came back normal... Which is so great! However, I feel guilty. WHAT?! I know that's messed up. This is my 4th time being pregnant... Hopefully second living child... Yet I feel guilty everything is going well. I guess this comes from friends who have babies with health issues/ have a hard time conceiving.... And the guilt comes. I'm blessed with Brynn. Am I being selfish by wanting and being blessed with hopefully a second baby?? I know. I told you I'm a freak. I know it's irrational, I get that. I just can't help but have those thoughts.
Ok... Now that is off my chest. Onto pregnancy related stuff. I think I am showing. I feel like I just look like I ate too many egg mcmuffins, but friends try to convince me it looks like a baby bump :) my appetite has been weird. More just hungry, but not a lot sounds good. I've been tired still. Other than that... Not really many cravings.
Brynn is getting more excited about being a big sister. She will be such a huge help. She has been sleeping better so that hopefully continues-- because the thought of her not sleeping well and a newborn, yikes. I just should leave every night because when Dan puts her to bed she's an angel. Me- not a chance. Tonight I pretended I was leaving and Dan put her to bed... Not a peep! When it's me she calls me every 5 min for a drink, she dropped something, she needs covers, etc. Amazing how early they figure that stuff out.
My next appt is May 21. I'll get to find out the gender :). I'll be 16 weeks. I will be getting an ultrasound every 4 weeks throughout my pregnancy due to my history. I'm not complaining :) I already know I'm having a girl though... And would have to be convinced otherwise!
Here is a pic from my last ultrasound
Here are some pics of us on Easter... We didn't get a family pic. Oh, and PS, this weather is going to be terrible this week. Dreading it.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Beautiful Sound
When I was pregnant with Brynn, I bought a doppler. I needed the reassurance baby was ok before she was big enough for me to feel moving. I broke it out this week and was able to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time!! :)
This last week, friends, co-workers, and my students were made aware of my pregnancy. I think the fact this is the 4th time I have been pregnant... is making it so I am showing already. I feel like I look about 16 weeks pregnant instead of 10! Oh well.... people have even had the courage to ask when I am due without having known for sure I was pregnant! SO at least it must look like baby belly.
My students are so funny. They are 13-14 year old 8th graders, so their reactions are priceless. I decided to just tell my 2nd hour since they are the kiddos I kept having to leave to go to my appts. I figured once I told them, it would spread like wild fire. It did. Every kid has an opinion on a name (most commonly suggested is their own name, and even followed by Jr. They obviously don't know what Jr. means!) They have opinions on if it is a boy or girl. Some even ask questions such as "did you want to have a baby" or "will you breast feed or bottle feed?" It truly is never dull teaching 8th grade. It has allowed me to open up a bit more about my pregnancy struggles. When they are asking questions, sometimes it comes up this is my 4th time being pregnant and I only have 1 living child.... hopefully soon-to-be 2! They are so sympathetic when they hear that and concerned. It is so sweet.
Week 10: I feel like I have a bit more energy. Still nauseous. I LOVE Coffee and Diet Coke, and neither have been extremely appetizing to me this trimester. I hope that changes because I miss them! My face doesn't seem to be as broken out as it had been... so hopefully that continues. Hormones and my face don't mix well :) My gut is still telling me girl. I really hope we find out before the end of the school year because my students will want to know!
I think I will post a belly pic the next blog entry.
Blogs are funny. I love reading people's-- because they may be funny, I may relate to them, or just to see a little personal look into someone's life. I have a hard time though thinking about the number of you who read this and are interested in MY story. I am doing this in case someone stumbles upon it while doing google searches on pregnancy loss, a way for me to heal through my struggles but also be excited about triumphs, and just so I have a documented journey through all of this. I think it will be great to share with my kids someday!
This last week, friends, co-workers, and my students were made aware of my pregnancy. I think the fact this is the 4th time I have been pregnant... is making it so I am showing already. I feel like I look about 16 weeks pregnant instead of 10! Oh well.... people have even had the courage to ask when I am due without having known for sure I was pregnant! SO at least it must look like baby belly.
My students are so funny. They are 13-14 year old 8th graders, so their reactions are priceless. I decided to just tell my 2nd hour since they are the kiddos I kept having to leave to go to my appts. I figured once I told them, it would spread like wild fire. It did. Every kid has an opinion on a name (most commonly suggested is their own name, and even followed by Jr. They obviously don't know what Jr. means!) They have opinions on if it is a boy or girl. Some even ask questions such as "did you want to have a baby" or "will you breast feed or bottle feed?" It truly is never dull teaching 8th grade. It has allowed me to open up a bit more about my pregnancy struggles. When they are asking questions, sometimes it comes up this is my 4th time being pregnant and I only have 1 living child.... hopefully soon-to-be 2! They are so sympathetic when they hear that and concerned. It is so sweet.
Week 10: I feel like I have a bit more energy. Still nauseous. I LOVE Coffee and Diet Coke, and neither have been extremely appetizing to me this trimester. I hope that changes because I miss them! My face doesn't seem to be as broken out as it had been... so hopefully that continues. Hormones and my face don't mix well :) My gut is still telling me girl. I really hope we find out before the end of the school year because my students will want to know!
I think I will post a belly pic the next blog entry.
Blogs are funny. I love reading people's-- because they may be funny, I may relate to them, or just to see a little personal look into someone's life. I have a hard time though thinking about the number of you who read this and are interested in MY story. I am doing this in case someone stumbles upon it while doing google searches on pregnancy loss, a way for me to heal through my struggles but also be excited about triumphs, and just so I have a documented journey through all of this. I think it will be great to share with my kids someday!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
4th Time's a Charm?
Ok. So I said I was going to be an open book. I said as soon as I peed on a stick and got a positive I would blog the journey from day 1. Funny how when these things actually happen... One changes their mind.
You see, when I get pregnant, it doesn't seem real. I don't believe it. I can't believe it because if I do, it makes it real, and that is scary. Then feelings are involved and I get attached. Sharing the news of being pregnant after a loss... It's weird and uncomfortable and awkward. I wish somehow people would just know... Yet I can't wait until I'm really far along because I'm self conscious about my body and people looking at me and thinking "she's getting fat."
So you're wondering... What is she getting at? Is she pregnant? Yes. I am. Cautiously but starting to believe. I have known I am pregnant for about 6 weeks... And today I am 10 weeks pregnant. I have seen our baby already 3 times via ultrasound, with its heart beating 175 bpm. My clinic is fantastic and so supportive of me and my crazy nerves and anxiety. It helps so much.
Baby Babich is due Novemeber 5--- right after soccer season :) it ended up being good timing. Now that the cat is out of the bag... I'll be on here more blogging.
How have I felt weeks 4-10? Sick. Nauseous. I feel even sicker this time then I did with Brynn. I am convinced already it's another girl :)
So... Now you all can officially begin this journey with me. I know it won't be easy all the time... and my craziness will make an appearance now and then. But with the support of my awesome family, amazing friends, and such and understanding and supportive ob clinic... I know we can do this!
This is a pic of my latest ultrasound!
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Negative Ghostwriter.
Negative. I had hope... And then negative. This was our first month able to try again-- why did I think it would happen right away? I was thinking positive and having faith-- and it all came crashing down.
Not being pregnant this month made my feelings about my ectopic resurface. My feelings of anger came roaring back, and I've been pretty emotional. I should be 5
months pregnant... And here I am sitting with 5 negative preg tests. Yes 5-- remember my earlier post? Women trying to get pregnant pee on everything. I tell myself I'm not going to obsess... But then that goes out the window. Don't tell me "don't stress... Just let it happen." F that. I'm sorry... When I want a healthy baby more than anything, and I am still mourning my loss... Don't tell me to "relax." I hate that.
So here we are... On to month two of trying again. And the scariest part? Whenever/ if I get pregnant again... that's not the end. I could end up right back here due to a loss again. But here I am plugging on through. What do I know? My kids-- assuming I have another-- are going to be the most loved kids and they will definitely know how much we love them-- and I don't take one moment for granted.
On a side note-- I am being very candid about this journey. I debated, but at this point, what's the point? Again... my blog helps me process my feelings-- writing has always been therapeutic for me-- and I know there are other women out there that unfortunately can relate because the amount of feedback I've been getting from friends/ acquaintances about how they can relate to what I'm going through... Has been overwhelming. So we are on this journey together... called life. We just need to have faith in Him and try to understand that He is in control. ❤️
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Just a Thanks.
Well here I am. Twice in one week. I was overwhelmed by the response of my last post. I feel awkward sometimes putting everything out there, and vulnerable. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. I just want it out there so hopefully anyone who is ever going through a similar rough patch knows they aren't alone. I did so much web searching on ectopic pregnancies and amniotic band syndrome... Looking for any information. Hopefully this helps at least one person :)
I've been really unmotivated to do anything around the house. I don't know if it's the weather or what-- but the idea of doing any housework is overrated.
I am really looking forward to March! Not only for (hopefully) warmer weather, but my good friend Katie, whom I don't get to spend enough time with, and myself are making a weekend trip up to Duluth. I can't begin to explain how excited I am! Not only to get away, be on my own schedule, sleep and wake by myself, and see Faith... But I know Katie and I will have such a good time together, and it will be just like our 8th grade sleepovers, except we won't need to share a bed :)
School was cancelled for kids again today-- and there is a good possibility again Monday. It's so bizarre. I haven't worked a full week since the week before Christmas! I had to be at work today and will I am assuming Monday of it's cancelled, but it never feels like "work" when kids aren't in the building, as I get to catch up on all the things I don't get a lot of time for!
Once again-- thanks to all of you who reached out and your support. It means more than you know. I will continue to share this crazy journey. ❤️
Monday, January 20, 2014
So Tired of Freak Things.
Ok. To begin... I had a novel written last night-- but somehow ended up deleting it all. I was so mad. I was so proud of my entry... and it got deleted. So... here I go starting over. Hopefully it comes out the same :)
So I have a lot to catch up with. I know I have said this before, but I need to make blogging a priority. I have been able to use my blog to document important events in Brynn's life, as well as helping me heal through difficult times in my life. I have a lot to catch up on. Some of you may enjoy hearing my saga... which would be why you are reading this! So here is what has been happening the last 6 months.
I am a planner. Always have been. I like being in control- and much of my anxiety stems from situations that are out of my control. Ask anyone close to me. Things that change at the last minute, watch out. I have a hard time coping. So, when my plan to have kids that are 3 years apart was not looking like it was going to happen, I had to learn to deal with what I was begin dealt.
Dan and I had decided to start trying for baby #2 in 2013. I was set on Brynn being 3 when we had our second, so we had a few months to get pregnant. Month after month I would hope, and no such luck. Anyone who has spent time trying for a baby knows how easily it can become an obsession. I finally came to peace with the fact Brynn would be older that 3 when (or if) we were able to have a second... and we would keep trying and just see what happens.
As summer ended, I began coaching soccer. It was a nice, healthy distraction. I was sinking everything into the girls, and I loved it. We were having success and I was having fun. However, I hadn't forgotten about my obsession with getting pregnant. Again, anyone who has ever had to try to get pregnant knows when its time to test... you pee on anything and everything :) Ok, not anything, but a lot of POAS. So when I finally saw those 2 pink lines the week before my 30th birthday, I was so excited and scared at the same time. Could this be it FINALLY?! After 6 months of trying, I was finally pregnant?! To be honest, I was most excited about the fact that we were hopefully one step closer to being done. Pregnancy-- is something I need to get through. Of course there are moments that I enjoy... but overall, it's one of the most stressful things I have had to endure.
The next week was my 30th birthday. We beat Hill Murray at Hill, I was pregnant... my 30s were going to be WAY better than my 20's! I had made my Dr. appt, and was just waiting for the day when we would go in, see the little heart beat, and I could relax a little for a few weeks.
As I was waiting for my 8 week appt., I knew that miscarrying was always a possibility. I was ok with that. I could accept that. I was not hoping for it, but it would be a much better situation for a loss than one like Elizabeth. I was also thinking about how similar the timeline was with this pregnancy as it was with Elizabeth. I was due the first week of June-- just like Elizabeth. I found out I was pregnant in Sept.-- just like Elizabeth. I began to think about the timeline, and instead of looking at it as a BAD sign, I decided to look at it as if God was giving us a "re-do." It didn't bother me. It was eerie, but definitely nothing that was bothersome to me.
A week or so went by, and I began to spot. Again, I didn't let myself freak out because I spotted with Brynn, and she is my perfect, healthy angel. It wasn't bad, so I was just assuming it was normal. The spotting however got worse, and became heavier. I began bleeding on the day I had my conference and section meetings for soccer-- great. Meetings I had to go to when all I wanted to do was go home and cry. I put on my game face, went to my meetings, and no one new what I was going through at that moment. I was convinced I was miscarrying. Sad, but yet glad it was still so early. I made an appt to go in.
I had an US and an HCG draw. They weren't able to see anything in my uterus yet-- but said it could be too early. My HCG numbers came back ok, and I was going in for draws to be sure they were going up. My progesterone came back low, so I got a prescription for that, there was still hope. The NP thought the bleeding could have been due to my progesterone levels. I still had hope. I was still pregnant. My HCG counts were doubling.
As time passed, my spotting was very intermittent and wasn't as heavy-- most likely due to the progesterone. I went in for my 2nd ultrasound and more HCG draws. At this point I was about 7 weeks. We should be able to see something in my uterus. U/S happens.... and nothing is there. The U/S tech said my dates could be off, but we were trying. They weren't. Something wasn't right. Meet with NP, she tells me I am miscarrying, and the progesterone is probably what was preventing me from completely miscarrying. I was to stop taking the meds, and miscarry naturally (hopefully). I cried, I was sad, but relieved it was early and nothing worse. I had to coach our Section Semi-Final game that night... and I needed to focus on that.
We won our game, and we were on to the Section Finals on Thursday. I went home, woke up, and headed to work for morning conferences. There were a couple of people here at work who knew what I was going through... I filled them in, but was overall emotionally doing ok. I can handle a miscarriage. I am strong.
As the morning went on, I received a phone call from the NP I had been seeing. I excused myself from my staff meeting to answer, as I thought she was confirming my HCG count dropping and my miscarriage. To my surprise, she was confirming that my HCG counts were still increasing. They were actually above 2000. When they are above 2000, they should see the baby on the U/S.
Gulp. Tears. Ectopic. I knew it. I was scared of this from the beginning. WHY?? Why can I not just be like a normal woman an mourn over a miscarriage?? Miscarriages are most women's worst nightmares, and here I am WISHING I was miscarrying?? That is so messed up. Why do these freak things happen to me? Why does my body fail me? I was Mad. Angry. Pissed. Scared. How did they miss it? They looked for that on the scan!! I walk into our Core room at school and break down. I text my friend Becca to bring me my stuff that was left in the meeting-- I can not walk back in there. I call Dan. I have to go to the clinic in Maplewood-- and St.Johns hospital. Why is this happening?? I have practice in a couple of hours! I need to be there for my girls! What are they going to think if I don't show up to practice the day before our biggest game of the year? What is going to happen?
Becca comes up, we talk. Dan comes and picks me up and we head off to the clinic. We get into the waiting room-- and are surrounded by happy, pregnant moms. I know, I know. Everyone has a story. However, at this point, I can't stand seeing it. Sure enough, ectopic is confirmed via U/S in my right tube. What is an ectopic pregnancy? It is when the egg implants itself into something other than your uterus-- most commonly your fallopian tube. What causes it? Once again... its a freak thing. Seriously. Why can't I have luck when it comes to a freak thing such as winning the lottery? Why BAD freak things. Amniotic Band Syndrome.... Freak thing. I am OVER freak things. I am pissed. How did they miss it? Our tech pointed it to me, plan as day. There was my baby. Ugh. Now what??
I meet with a Dr. that I have never met, and now LOVE. She is so sweet. She held my hand while talking to me about my options, and through my tears. We decided to try and avoid surgery since we had the option. My tube hadn't burst. The way they treat ectopic pregnancies when you aren't having surgery is by a drug called methotrexate. It is a chemo drug. I was going to have to go over to hospital in the chemo area, and get this shot. Of course what else am I thinking of?? My SECTION FINAL GAME. We are playing Hill tomorrow! Will I be ok to go? Dr. says I shouldn't go to the game-- I need to take it easy. I say I have to go. She told me I could sit in the bleachers. Ha. I would "sit" on the bench.
This NIGHTMARE of a day ended and I went home. I just had to take a shot to end my pregnancy that we so badly wanted because of this FREAK accident. I was a ticking time bomb. Even though I had this shot-- it doesn't mean it was going to work. We had to keep an eye on me and make sure I was not having symptoms of my tube rupturing.
I woke up and physically felt ok. I was trying to focus on the game. The biggest game of my career. We win, we go to state. However, emotionally, I am dealing with all of this, and the girls have no idea. I have to put on a strong face. They need me. I need them.
So... as if I was not under enough stress, this game was intense. It was back and forth, raining, and we are down 2-1 with 1 minute left. We are pressuring, pressuring, and BAM. with 27 secs left on the clock... we score to tie the game. Ok. Let's remember I am supposed to be sitting and taking it easy... but really right about now I am jumping up and down screaming, hugging, so excited. Well, we end up losing the game in OT.
I laid low all weekend. I wanted to DIE on Saturday-- so much pain. I had to go to the hospital again or my 2nd blood draw, to check my HCG count. Do that and go back home. Still... I have no idea if the shot worked yet. My cramps are so awful, yet all the side effects of the MTX shot are the same as if your tube ruptures! I called my doc, she said it sounded normal... so I just continued to lay low.
Tuesday was when I went in to get my next draw. This draw would tell me if the shot worked. My apt was at 3-- so I wouldn't find out until the next day. Fast forward to Wednesday... and I hadn't gotten a call! I was so nervous, anxious, and I was at work just waiting to hear if all of this was working. How strange though-- a month ago I was so excited/ had hope of a pregnancy, now I am wishing for it to be done. Its just strange. After some of me being angry at the clinic for not having my counts, and some nice nurses, I get a call back saying my counts dropped.... YES! Now what? I get to go in every Tuesday for an HCG draw until my counts get to 0. More of putting myself around happy pregnant women while I am hoping my pregnancy has been absorbed.
This was when I started to have a better mental picture of everything. Don't get me wrong, I still get pissed this happened when I think about it. However, it was the receptionist at my clinic who I ended up getting very close to, and she and I would chat and she really had some great words. If I am going to be honest, before I talked to her... she looked so perfect. She was probably in her late 40s, pretty, cute clothes, probably has a rich husband, perfect family. I began creating this image all from the way she looked... what?? That is messed up. Now, somehow, after a couple of weeks we began to talk. I explained to her why I was there... and we ended up having so much in common, and this woman had a life far from perfect. She herself struggled with healthy pregnancies, having suffered 4 miscarriages. Her daughter almost died from an ectopic pregnancy that wasn't identified. As we talked and bonded... and I would share with her how hard it is to come in here and see happy pregnant women... she said "remember, everyone has a story." Wow. Those 5 words made such an impact on me-- and she probably has no idea. She was right. Everyone does have a story. Who am I to judge and think that every other women's life is so glamorous and easy? How do I know that the woman sitting next to me is pregnant due to in vitro... and had been trying for so long to get pregnant and couldn't? Here these 5 words still ring in my head... and I bring myself back to them when I begin to go in that direction.
My counts dropped to 0 after about 3-4 weeks. I went in for a follow up scan/ dr. visit in December... and had just gotten over my first AF after having my ectopic. My body was beginning to go back to normal. So, dr. said after one more cycle, we can begin trying again. Which brings us to now. Back in the trying phase-- for the 4th time in my life-- with one healthy child to show. You may wonder if I am scared? I actually am not. We are going to start trying ASAP. At this point, I know crap can happen, and I can't let it control me. If we are able to have another healthy pregnancy, I will feel so blessed. If not, we will cross that bridge when we get there. Every dr. tells me that there is no reason for us... so we will keep praying and trying.
So... I hope all of this makes sense. I began writing this entry almost a week ago... it got long... but it's my story. Yes, I know I probably annoy a lot of you with "negative posts" on facebook and this or that... and I am sorry. Every day I do my best to put on my strong, positive face, but sometimes its just hard. Life can be hard.
This post is pretty personal... and I know most of you had no idea I was pregnant in October. I was ready to share another part of my life story... and hope that maybe someone experiencing a similar experience can gain some insight and know that you are not alone.
So I have a lot to catch up with. I know I have said this before, but I need to make blogging a priority. I have been able to use my blog to document important events in Brynn's life, as well as helping me heal through difficult times in my life. I have a lot to catch up on. Some of you may enjoy hearing my saga... which would be why you are reading this! So here is what has been happening the last 6 months.
I am a planner. Always have been. I like being in control- and much of my anxiety stems from situations that are out of my control. Ask anyone close to me. Things that change at the last minute, watch out. I have a hard time coping. So, when my plan to have kids that are 3 years apart was not looking like it was going to happen, I had to learn to deal with what I was begin dealt.
Dan and I had decided to start trying for baby #2 in 2013. I was set on Brynn being 3 when we had our second, so we had a few months to get pregnant. Month after month I would hope, and no such luck. Anyone who has spent time trying for a baby knows how easily it can become an obsession. I finally came to peace with the fact Brynn would be older that 3 when (or if) we were able to have a second... and we would keep trying and just see what happens.
As summer ended, I began coaching soccer. It was a nice, healthy distraction. I was sinking everything into the girls, and I loved it. We were having success and I was having fun. However, I hadn't forgotten about my obsession with getting pregnant. Again, anyone who has ever had to try to get pregnant knows when its time to test... you pee on anything and everything :) Ok, not anything, but a lot of POAS. So when I finally saw those 2 pink lines the week before my 30th birthday, I was so excited and scared at the same time. Could this be it FINALLY?! After 6 months of trying, I was finally pregnant?! To be honest, I was most excited about the fact that we were hopefully one step closer to being done. Pregnancy-- is something I need to get through. Of course there are moments that I enjoy... but overall, it's one of the most stressful things I have had to endure.
The next week was my 30th birthday. We beat Hill Murray at Hill, I was pregnant... my 30s were going to be WAY better than my 20's! I had made my Dr. appt, and was just waiting for the day when we would go in, see the little heart beat, and I could relax a little for a few weeks.
As I was waiting for my 8 week appt., I knew that miscarrying was always a possibility. I was ok with that. I could accept that. I was not hoping for it, but it would be a much better situation for a loss than one like Elizabeth. I was also thinking about how similar the timeline was with this pregnancy as it was with Elizabeth. I was due the first week of June-- just like Elizabeth. I found out I was pregnant in Sept.-- just like Elizabeth. I began to think about the timeline, and instead of looking at it as a BAD sign, I decided to look at it as if God was giving us a "re-do." It didn't bother me. It was eerie, but definitely nothing that was bothersome to me.
A week or so went by, and I began to spot. Again, I didn't let myself freak out because I spotted with Brynn, and she is my perfect, healthy angel. It wasn't bad, so I was just assuming it was normal. The spotting however got worse, and became heavier. I began bleeding on the day I had my conference and section meetings for soccer-- great. Meetings I had to go to when all I wanted to do was go home and cry. I put on my game face, went to my meetings, and no one new what I was going through at that moment. I was convinced I was miscarrying. Sad, but yet glad it was still so early. I made an appt to go in.
I had an US and an HCG draw. They weren't able to see anything in my uterus yet-- but said it could be too early. My HCG numbers came back ok, and I was going in for draws to be sure they were going up. My progesterone came back low, so I got a prescription for that, there was still hope. The NP thought the bleeding could have been due to my progesterone levels. I still had hope. I was still pregnant. My HCG counts were doubling.
As time passed, my spotting was very intermittent and wasn't as heavy-- most likely due to the progesterone. I went in for my 2nd ultrasound and more HCG draws. At this point I was about 7 weeks. We should be able to see something in my uterus. U/S happens.... and nothing is there. The U/S tech said my dates could be off, but we were trying. They weren't. Something wasn't right. Meet with NP, she tells me I am miscarrying, and the progesterone is probably what was preventing me from completely miscarrying. I was to stop taking the meds, and miscarry naturally (hopefully). I cried, I was sad, but relieved it was early and nothing worse. I had to coach our Section Semi-Final game that night... and I needed to focus on that.
We won our game, and we were on to the Section Finals on Thursday. I went home, woke up, and headed to work for morning conferences. There were a couple of people here at work who knew what I was going through... I filled them in, but was overall emotionally doing ok. I can handle a miscarriage. I am strong.
As the morning went on, I received a phone call from the NP I had been seeing. I excused myself from my staff meeting to answer, as I thought she was confirming my HCG count dropping and my miscarriage. To my surprise, she was confirming that my HCG counts were still increasing. They were actually above 2000. When they are above 2000, they should see the baby on the U/S.
Gulp. Tears. Ectopic. I knew it. I was scared of this from the beginning. WHY?? Why can I not just be like a normal woman an mourn over a miscarriage?? Miscarriages are most women's worst nightmares, and here I am WISHING I was miscarrying?? That is so messed up. Why do these freak things happen to me? Why does my body fail me? I was Mad. Angry. Pissed. Scared. How did they miss it? They looked for that on the scan!! I walk into our Core room at school and break down. I text my friend Becca to bring me my stuff that was left in the meeting-- I can not walk back in there. I call Dan. I have to go to the clinic in Maplewood-- and St.Johns hospital. Why is this happening?? I have practice in a couple of hours! I need to be there for my girls! What are they going to think if I don't show up to practice the day before our biggest game of the year? What is going to happen?
Becca comes up, we talk. Dan comes and picks me up and we head off to the clinic. We get into the waiting room-- and are surrounded by happy, pregnant moms. I know, I know. Everyone has a story. However, at this point, I can't stand seeing it. Sure enough, ectopic is confirmed via U/S in my right tube. What is an ectopic pregnancy? It is when the egg implants itself into something other than your uterus-- most commonly your fallopian tube. What causes it? Once again... its a freak thing. Seriously. Why can't I have luck when it comes to a freak thing such as winning the lottery? Why BAD freak things. Amniotic Band Syndrome.... Freak thing. I am OVER freak things. I am pissed. How did they miss it? Our tech pointed it to me, plan as day. There was my baby. Ugh. Now what??
I meet with a Dr. that I have never met, and now LOVE. She is so sweet. She held my hand while talking to me about my options, and through my tears. We decided to try and avoid surgery since we had the option. My tube hadn't burst. The way they treat ectopic pregnancies when you aren't having surgery is by a drug called methotrexate. It is a chemo drug. I was going to have to go over to hospital in the chemo area, and get this shot. Of course what else am I thinking of?? My SECTION FINAL GAME. We are playing Hill tomorrow! Will I be ok to go? Dr. says I shouldn't go to the game-- I need to take it easy. I say I have to go. She told me I could sit in the bleachers. Ha. I would "sit" on the bench.
This NIGHTMARE of a day ended and I went home. I just had to take a shot to end my pregnancy that we so badly wanted because of this FREAK accident. I was a ticking time bomb. Even though I had this shot-- it doesn't mean it was going to work. We had to keep an eye on me and make sure I was not having symptoms of my tube rupturing.
I woke up and physically felt ok. I was trying to focus on the game. The biggest game of my career. We win, we go to state. However, emotionally, I am dealing with all of this, and the girls have no idea. I have to put on a strong face. They need me. I need them.
So... as if I was not under enough stress, this game was intense. It was back and forth, raining, and we are down 2-1 with 1 minute left. We are pressuring, pressuring, and BAM. with 27 secs left on the clock... we score to tie the game. Ok. Let's remember I am supposed to be sitting and taking it easy... but really right about now I am jumping up and down screaming, hugging, so excited. Well, we end up losing the game in OT.
I laid low all weekend. I wanted to DIE on Saturday-- so much pain. I had to go to the hospital again or my 2nd blood draw, to check my HCG count. Do that and go back home. Still... I have no idea if the shot worked yet. My cramps are so awful, yet all the side effects of the MTX shot are the same as if your tube ruptures! I called my doc, she said it sounded normal... so I just continued to lay low.
Tuesday was when I went in to get my next draw. This draw would tell me if the shot worked. My apt was at 3-- so I wouldn't find out until the next day. Fast forward to Wednesday... and I hadn't gotten a call! I was so nervous, anxious, and I was at work just waiting to hear if all of this was working. How strange though-- a month ago I was so excited/ had hope of a pregnancy, now I am wishing for it to be done. Its just strange. After some of me being angry at the clinic for not having my counts, and some nice nurses, I get a call back saying my counts dropped.... YES! Now what? I get to go in every Tuesday for an HCG draw until my counts get to 0. More of putting myself around happy pregnant women while I am hoping my pregnancy has been absorbed.
This was when I started to have a better mental picture of everything. Don't get me wrong, I still get pissed this happened when I think about it. However, it was the receptionist at my clinic who I ended up getting very close to, and she and I would chat and she really had some great words. If I am going to be honest, before I talked to her... she looked so perfect. She was probably in her late 40s, pretty, cute clothes, probably has a rich husband, perfect family. I began creating this image all from the way she looked... what?? That is messed up. Now, somehow, after a couple of weeks we began to talk. I explained to her why I was there... and we ended up having so much in common, and this woman had a life far from perfect. She herself struggled with healthy pregnancies, having suffered 4 miscarriages. Her daughter almost died from an ectopic pregnancy that wasn't identified. As we talked and bonded... and I would share with her how hard it is to come in here and see happy pregnant women... she said "remember, everyone has a story." Wow. Those 5 words made such an impact on me-- and she probably has no idea. She was right. Everyone does have a story. Who am I to judge and think that every other women's life is so glamorous and easy? How do I know that the woman sitting next to me is pregnant due to in vitro... and had been trying for so long to get pregnant and couldn't? Here these 5 words still ring in my head... and I bring myself back to them when I begin to go in that direction.
My counts dropped to 0 after about 3-4 weeks. I went in for a follow up scan/ dr. visit in December... and had just gotten over my first AF after having my ectopic. My body was beginning to go back to normal. So, dr. said after one more cycle, we can begin trying again. Which brings us to now. Back in the trying phase-- for the 4th time in my life-- with one healthy child to show. You may wonder if I am scared? I actually am not. We are going to start trying ASAP. At this point, I know crap can happen, and I can't let it control me. If we are able to have another healthy pregnancy, I will feel so blessed. If not, we will cross that bridge when we get there. Every dr. tells me that there is no reason for us... so we will keep praying and trying.
So... I hope all of this makes sense. I began writing this entry almost a week ago... it got long... but it's my story. Yes, I know I probably annoy a lot of you with "negative posts" on facebook and this or that... and I am sorry. Every day I do my best to put on my strong, positive face, but sometimes its just hard. Life can be hard.
This post is pretty personal... and I know most of you had no idea I was pregnant in October. I was ready to share another part of my life story... and hope that maybe someone experiencing a similar experience can gain some insight and know that you are not alone.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Lovin' Summer
In case anyone is wondering.... I am still loving mowing the lawn! As far as Brynn goes, she is so fun. She makes me laugh so much everyday. She is such a special little girl and every day amazes me with what she knows. I know every parent thinks their kid is awesome, super smart, etc... And I'm no different. Here are some of the things Miss Brynn can do:
1. She can name/ recognize every letter of the alphabet but misses g and q sometimes. She has an alphabet puzzle she does by herself... It's fun to watch.
2. Not only can Brynn count to 12 and recognizes/ knows all those numbers... She can effortlessly count backwards from 10-1.
3. She is just hysterical having conversations. The things she says and she actually can be funny... And I know she is saying things to be funny on purpose! So fun to see that. One of my favorite things she has been saying lately
Is "okey dokie!" Instead of ok. I don't even know where she learned that. She is such a talker. We have full on conversations with her. It's crazy!!
4. Today Dan and I were in awe because we were eating dinner and we could hear a helicopter. Not only did Brynn say helicopter... She knew the sound was different and knew it wasn't an airplane. Dan and I stared at each other in awe.
I could go on and on bragging about my kid :). She is just a riot. She still loves her books and singing, but is enjoying imaginary play so much lately which is totally fun. She would live outside if I let her. Specifically at the park. I am just living the weather we've had the last 2 days.
Ok... Brynn does have some faults :). Our perfect sleeper had not been perfect. I've read it's common at her age but she no longer will just go to bed on her own... We need to sing to her/ lay with her/ sit by her. She has been waking up a lot too and crying. It's been tough.
There's a little update. Just loving my time with her, enjoying time off, but also looking forward to soccer this fall!
We went to Stillwater tonight!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Too Much.. Too Long
I had began updating my blog a while back, but much of what I want to update with is pretty personal. I may be making my blog private so I can use it as a journal as well. I don't mind of people read my posts, that is why I blog! So if the time comes and I make it private, don't be afraid to request to have access. If I am spilling out personal and strong feelings, I just may want to know who is reading it.
I didn't even look when the last time I posted was... but Brynn is 26 months (almost 2.5) and is just a firecracker. She is a little girl who knows what she wants, wants to dress like a princess, and wants her momma to do everything for her :) We are working on letting daddy help, and not always insisting on wanting "momma do it." Besides saying "momma's turn" all the time, her other favorite is "No, Brynnie do it" or "Brynnie's turn." She is very much into wanting to be independent and doing things herself. And you know what, most of the time she does a good job. She loves turning on the lights/ opening doors/ etc. by herself.
Brynn has also began gymnastics, and she loves it. If you are friends with me on facebook, or follow me on vine, you probably saw video :) She has become so much more confident in jumping and doing the activities in just the 3 weeks we have gone. It is so much fun watching her do it, and it really makes her look so big!
Brynn is talking up a storm. We pretty much communicate all the time. Sometimes I have to be her interpreter :) but for the most part she does well. Loves songs, and loves Daniel Tiger. I think he has officially surpassed Mickey. We have not watched Mickey in our house in a while! Singing is definitely a hobby of hers!
Brynnie also loves being outside! Now that the weather has been nice for a few days in a row, we have spent much of it outside. We are also really excited to find out if Brynn is going to have a baby boy cousin or baby girl cousin come September!
I didn't even look when the last time I posted was... but Brynn is 26 months (almost 2.5) and is just a firecracker. She is a little girl who knows what she wants, wants to dress like a princess, and wants her momma to do everything for her :) We are working on letting daddy help, and not always insisting on wanting "momma do it." Besides saying "momma's turn" all the time, her other favorite is "No, Brynnie do it" or "Brynnie's turn." She is very much into wanting to be independent and doing things herself. And you know what, most of the time she does a good job. She loves turning on the lights/ opening doors/ etc. by herself.
Brynn has also began gymnastics, and she loves it. If you are friends with me on facebook, or follow me on vine, you probably saw video :) She has become so much more confident in jumping and doing the activities in just the 3 weeks we have gone. It is so much fun watching her do it, and it really makes her look so big!
Brynn is talking up a storm. We pretty much communicate all the time. Sometimes I have to be her interpreter :) but for the most part she does well. Loves songs, and loves Daniel Tiger. I think he has officially surpassed Mickey. We have not watched Mickey in our house in a while! Singing is definitely a hobby of hers!
Brynnie also loves being outside! Now that the weather has been nice for a few days in a row, we have spent much of it outside. We are also really excited to find out if Brynn is going to have a baby boy cousin or baby girl cousin come September!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
New Year's Resolution...
...is trying to do a much better job with my blog. I really want to have things going on with Brynn documented so I know what's normal when I go through this a second time... Whenever that may be!
Holy talking machine! Brynn is non stop, talking in sentences, and is pretty easy to communicate with. She tells me about her day, and she is just a doll. The last 3 days have been much better... With her being healthy finally! We just celebrated her 2nd birthday and unfortunately she was still not quite herself.
I'm on my iPad and hate typing on here but just wanted to post, but I'm gonna keep this short. Today marks 3 years since I delivered Elizabeth. 3 years. All day today I have had mixed emotions, and replayed many of the most vivid moments of that experience in my mind. I have had some great friends reach out to me today, and that meant more than they probably know. My awesome father-in-law brought us a bouquet of beautiful tulips that just light up the room. Dan and i do a couple of things in honor of Elizabeth ourselves, but I like to keep them private.
I just wanted to log on, and acknowledge my baby in heaven, since that was what began my blogging journey. My pregnancy with her. It also then continued to help with my process of healing, as well as documenting my journey with Brynn. Elizabeth, you are not forgotten. You are loved, will be continued to be loved, and Brynn will know that she has a sister in heaven.
For those of you who are close to me, or aren't, but have someone who has gone through a similar experience... Here is a great piece of advice.
"If you know someone who has lost a child and you are afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget that they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, which is a great gift." - Elizabeth Edwards
Beautiful Tulips from Nick
Here is Brynn loving her chocolate :)
Holy talking machine! Brynn is non stop, talking in sentences, and is pretty easy to communicate with. She tells me about her day, and she is just a doll. The last 3 days have been much better... With her being healthy finally! We just celebrated her 2nd birthday and unfortunately she was still not quite herself.
I'm on my iPad and hate typing on here but just wanted to post, but I'm gonna keep this short. Today marks 3 years since I delivered Elizabeth. 3 years. All day today I have had mixed emotions, and replayed many of the most vivid moments of that experience in my mind. I have had some great friends reach out to me today, and that meant more than they probably know. My awesome father-in-law brought us a bouquet of beautiful tulips that just light up the room. Dan and i do a couple of things in honor of Elizabeth ourselves, but I like to keep them private.
I just wanted to log on, and acknowledge my baby in heaven, since that was what began my blogging journey. My pregnancy with her. It also then continued to help with my process of healing, as well as documenting my journey with Brynn. Elizabeth, you are not forgotten. You are loved, will be continued to be loved, and Brynn will know that she has a sister in heaven.
For those of you who are close to me, or aren't, but have someone who has gone through a similar experience... Here is a great piece of advice.
"If you know someone who has lost a child and you are afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget that they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, which is a great gift." - Elizabeth Edwards
Beautiful Tulips from Nick
Here is Brynn loving her chocolate :)
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