Reflections on Anxiety

First-- Ella's 2 month stats.  She was 10 lbs. 2 oz. and 22 inches long.  95% for length, 75% for weight-- very similar to Brynn.  She *almost* rolled over the other night- I can't believe she is already rolling to her side!  She is such a good baby and we feel so blessed.  Brynn has not gotten jealous once of her-- and ask my sister Shannon-- we have come a long way from when Connor (my nephew) was born!

Now to my theme of this entry-- Anxiety.  I probably have other posts on the exact same things as this one is going to have-- but I have been blogging since 2010 so I can't remember every one.  Not to mention the title of this blog talks about anxiety-- I have been very transparent on that part of my life.  A lot of people try hiding it-- and that is every individual's choice-- I used to feel that way.  Once anxiety caused me to have a debilitating life-- it became to hard to hide.  I now am really open about it and comfortable with it-- it doesn't define me... however, it is a part of me and makes me who I am.

Ask my family-- I have been a "worrier" even before I knew what that meant.  I remember one of my biggest fears as a child was that my house was going to start on fire. I would see our smoke detector and immediately feel that pit in my stomach come.  I was convinced it would happen.  I hated bedtime.  I remember even up until my teens-- having anxiety over not being in bed before my parents.  There was something comforting in falling asleep knowing my parents were in the room next to me-- and I could hear the Cheers theme song playing.  To this day whenever I hear that, I think of those moments lying in bed with my mom and dad in the room next to me.

I was also the kid that would call home in the middle of the night to have my mom come get me-- I would be so anxious and scared-- and bless my mom for letting me try when I would beg her to let me try-- I wouldn't call home this time-- then I would call.  I would be crying-- because of hating how I felt and not having control over this feeling-- and being embarrassed about what my friends parents would say in the morning when they realized I went home.

Another memory that stands out was when I would go to my Grandma Dots house in the summer-- I would spend a lot of time there.  Whenever I heard sirens, the pit in my stomach came.  I lived pretty close to my grandma's so when I heard sirens, I was always so scared they were going to my house-- so I would call home to my mom and make sure things were ok.  I reflect on this as an adult-- and think how sad that here I was-- 10 years old-- being so scared about things such as this.  I knew I worried as a kid-- my family would call me a "worry wort"... but I don't know if anyone really realized the extent of my worries.  I was able to live with these feelings.  I was always concerned about pleasing people, and disappointing people.  I even still am today.  I didn't realize that all of these things I was experiencing was due to me having anxiety disorder.

Growing up-- I had ebbs and flows of the severity of my anxiety.  I couldn't tell you my triggers-- other than my smoke detector in my house, and sirens.  It came time for me to go to college.  How in the world did I manage to live 4 years away from home... playing DII soccer?  Well, it wasn't easy at first.  I remember calling home every night crying my first week at school.  I am introverted.  I was going into preseason hurt so my confidence wasn't as high.  I survived, met some amazing friends, and college was actually some of my least anxious times of my life.  I know what you are thinking-- probably because you drank and partied.  No.  Again, anyone who knows me knows that is not me.  I was not a partier in college.  Not to mention with soccer, we weren't give many opportunities to do that-- and I am a rule follower :)  I just think I kept myself so busy with school, soccer, GREAT friends, an amazing and supportive boyfriend.... it truly was a great time in my life.

So, when did my anxiety come crashing back with a vengeance??  Once my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004-- it slowly started creeping back.  I know I have blogged about this before, so I will make this part short, but it got to the point where I was curled in a ball, on the couch, in the dark, crying on and off begging God to make me "normal", because I was convinced I had cancer.  Side note-- the strange thing about anxiety that people who don't have it may not understand-- I KNOW my thoughts most of the time are irrational... but guess what??  I can't help it.  That is was anxiety disorder is.  I would find myself searching for swollen lymph nodes (My dad had lymphoma), looking for sores in my mouth, researching pains I was experiencing in my shins-- convincing myself I had Leukemia.  I had hit an all.time.low.  I finally forced myself to go into the doctor.  I was given medication for depression.  Ok.  You know those forms you fill out at the doctors office sometimes?  Yea.  I had all those symptoms of depression.  Feels worthless. Sleeps all the time.  Thoughts of not wanting to live.  But guess what??  My ANXIETY was making me depressed.  Those symptoms were a result of my anxiety.  It would take a couple more years for me to realize this-- but I wasn't depressed.

Depression and Anxiety are often treated with the same meds.  I can't tell you what I was on this first time... I have been on a variety of meds.  However, the prescription the Dr. gave me worked.  I started feeling the "edge" go away almost immediately.  I continued taking these meds for a while... I can't remember when I stopped but there were a couple of times from this diagnosis until Bella died where I would be on meds, then off.  At this point, my anxiety was under control.

Then 2007 happened.  It started as a great year-- Dan and I got engaged, we had an adorable yellow lab puppy, we bought our new home.... However, November happened.  My dad has his stem cell transplant, and Bella was killed.  This began a snowball affect of anxiety and tough times in Dan and my life.  I could go on and on about little things that added up to help this snowball get bigger.... but needless to say with Elizabeth's death in 2010-- it was an up and down of emotions.

Today-- something as small as feeling guilty about not getting my house clean, or laundry done, etc. can make me feel anxious.  It's that perfectionism piece.  I feel shame when things aren't "perfect"-- again I know its ok that things aren't-- that isn't the point-- its that feeling of it that I can't control.

I was inspired to write about this today because of a story that a friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning.  I think anxiety is something that people think you can control-- just stop worrying-- it has taken my family-- especially Dan-- a while to understand it.  I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live with someone like me when I am at a low :)  I fortunately have had numerous doctors supportive and helpful in treatment and getting me to where I am today where I am able to manage and cope with my anxiety.  There are still days where a trigger will make it flare up-- or days where I am feeling on edge and anxious for no apparent reason-- but I have a lot less bad days now-- and somewhat feel "normal."

 Here is the link to the article. What Anxiety Actually Is  I can relate to 95% of what is discussed here- the funny thing about anxiety is everyone has different triggers.  Unlike this article-- sports were the one place I didn't get anxiety.  I thrived on the soccer field and think this was one of the places I felt the most safe and happy-- I think it helped me cope growing up with my anxiety :)