I sit here, on my couch, for most of the time at home... trying to sleep or get so involved with what I am watching. It hurts too much. I have done such a good job for the last month of playing it strong... I don't know if it is catching up to me... but my heart is just aching. I miss her. I miss my belly she gave me. I miss everytime I heard a date that was close to my due date me getting so excited and thinking about how close we would be to having our baby. I miss having Dan touch my belly. I miss my friends at work commenting on my belly and being excited about how it was growing.
I dread the snow melting... and March coming. The nicer the weather gets the more it reminds me I will have no baby. I want to get through this. I want to find a place in life when I can just be happy, but not forget. I want some consistency in my life. Me and Dan talk about if getting pregnant again will help... and I think it will... but yet I am so scared about getting pregnant again. What if this happens again? Then what? Everyone tells me the chances are low... but the chances were low with Elizabeth. Everyone always tells me I am a pessimist, and my response is always that I am a realist. I have had too many things hurt me in life... how can I not come to expect that... or at least think about it?
I want life to feel good again. I want to enjoy everyday, and hope that time comes soon.... sorry for the depressing post, but I am having a rough day today. I miss ELizabeth....
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Three Weeks Ago Today
I can't believe it has been three weeks alrady since Elizabeth was born. I wasn't sure if or when I would come back to the blog and write, but I felt an urge to today. I have been writing a bit in a journal a friend gave me... but sometimes having the strength to do that is difficult.
Today was a milestone for me. Dan and I had a wedding to go to, one of his friend's from college. When we got the invite to the wedding, I remember being so excited thinking ahead to the date. February 6th... I would be realy showing, and get to buy a new cute dress. Dan and I would get to go to the wedding together, and I would be so proud to show my belly. We would know if we were having a boy and girl, and life would be wonderful. Needless to say, tonight was much different than that picture I had in my mind. I was very nervous for today, and had a rough morning. Many tears were shed... but I managed to pull myself together, with the help of Dan. Tonight would be the first night since we lost Elizabeth that Dan and I would actually go out.
The wedding was beautiful. I had my moments when I just wanted to hold onto my belly and cry, but it felt good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We both had a nice time. Congrats to Jenna and Stringer.
Also, I have made it through two weeks of work, one of which was a full 5 day week. Has it been easy? No. I have come home drained, not slept well at all, and often cry my way home from work. I think I try to keep myself pulled together all day long, so I get home and just lose it. Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard on me. Dan has classes and sometimes I just want the comfort of him being here with me on the couch. I am so lucky to have him. He keeps the kitchen clean and cooks for me.... because I still have no motivation for any of that. My poor upstairs bathroom... needs to be cleaned so bad. I just say oh well, it will survive until I get to it.
I am hoping for a phone call from Mary Ann this week. She was the genetic counselor we worked with. We should hopefully be finding out what specifically caused Elizabeth's birth defects. That will be a call I am anticipating, but also nervous about.
Dan and I are supporting eachother everyday, and everyday is different then the last. Some have smiles, most still have lots of tears. I still feel like I need to shut myself out from the world... for some reason it is easier for me to do that, than to face reality. Many people ask me how I am doing. The best way I can put it is I am looking forward to the time when I think about Elizabeth and what happened daily, but no longer having it consume my thougths 24/7.
For those of you praying and thinking of us, and giving us your support, we appreciate it more than you know.
Today was a milestone for me. Dan and I had a wedding to go to, one of his friend's from college. When we got the invite to the wedding, I remember being so excited thinking ahead to the date. February 6th... I would be realy showing, and get to buy a new cute dress. Dan and I would get to go to the wedding together, and I would be so proud to show my belly. We would know if we were having a boy and girl, and life would be wonderful. Needless to say, tonight was much different than that picture I had in my mind. I was very nervous for today, and had a rough morning. Many tears were shed... but I managed to pull myself together, with the help of Dan. Tonight would be the first night since we lost Elizabeth that Dan and I would actually go out.
The wedding was beautiful. I had my moments when I just wanted to hold onto my belly and cry, but it felt good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We both had a nice time. Congrats to Jenna and Stringer.
Also, I have made it through two weeks of work, one of which was a full 5 day week. Has it been easy? No. I have come home drained, not slept well at all, and often cry my way home from work. I think I try to keep myself pulled together all day long, so I get home and just lose it. Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially hard on me. Dan has classes and sometimes I just want the comfort of him being here with me on the couch. I am so lucky to have him. He keeps the kitchen clean and cooks for me.... because I still have no motivation for any of that. My poor upstairs bathroom... needs to be cleaned so bad. I just say oh well, it will survive until I get to it.
I am hoping for a phone call from Mary Ann this week. She was the genetic counselor we worked with. We should hopefully be finding out what specifically caused Elizabeth's birth defects. That will be a call I am anticipating, but also nervous about.
Dan and I are supporting eachother everyday, and everyday is different then the last. Some have smiles, most still have lots of tears. I still feel like I need to shut myself out from the world... for some reason it is easier for me to do that, than to face reality. Many people ask me how I am doing. The best way I can put it is I am looking forward to the time when I think about Elizabeth and what happened daily, but no longer having it consume my thougths 24/7.
For those of you praying and thinking of us, and giving us your support, we appreciate it more than you know.
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