Reflections on Anxiety

First-- Ella's 2 month stats.  She was 10 lbs. 2 oz. and 22 inches long.  95% for length, 75% for weight-- very similar to Brynn.  She *almost* rolled over the other night- I can't believe she is already rolling to her side!  She is such a good baby and we feel so blessed.  Brynn has not gotten jealous once of her-- and ask my sister Shannon-- we have come a long way from when Connor (my nephew) was born!

Now to my theme of this entry-- Anxiety.  I probably have other posts on the exact same things as this one is going to have-- but I have been blogging since 2010 so I can't remember every one.  Not to mention the title of this blog talks about anxiety-- I have been very transparent on that part of my life.  A lot of people try hiding it-- and that is every individual's choice-- I used to feel that way.  Once anxiety caused me to have a debilitating life-- it became to hard to hide.  I now am really open about it and comfortable with it-- it doesn't define me... however, it is a part of me and makes me who I am.

Ask my family-- I have been a "worrier" even before I knew what that meant.  I remember one of my biggest fears as a child was that my house was going to start on fire. I would see our smoke detector and immediately feel that pit in my stomach come.  I was convinced it would happen.  I hated bedtime.  I remember even up until my teens-- having anxiety over not being in bed before my parents.  There was something comforting in falling asleep knowing my parents were in the room next to me-- and I could hear the Cheers theme song playing.  To this day whenever I hear that, I think of those moments lying in bed with my mom and dad in the room next to me.

I was also the kid that would call home in the middle of the night to have my mom come get me-- I would be so anxious and scared-- and bless my mom for letting me try when I would beg her to let me try-- I wouldn't call home this time-- then I would call.  I would be crying-- because of hating how I felt and not having control over this feeling-- and being embarrassed about what my friends parents would say in the morning when they realized I went home.

Another memory that stands out was when I would go to my Grandma Dots house in the summer-- I would spend a lot of time there.  Whenever I heard sirens, the pit in my stomach came.  I lived pretty close to my grandma's so when I heard sirens, I was always so scared they were going to my house-- so I would call home to my mom and make sure things were ok.  I reflect on this as an adult-- and think how sad that here I was-- 10 years old-- being so scared about things such as this.  I knew I worried as a kid-- my family would call me a "worry wort"... but I don't know if anyone really realized the extent of my worries.  I was able to live with these feelings.  I was always concerned about pleasing people, and disappointing people.  I even still am today.  I didn't realize that all of these things I was experiencing was due to me having anxiety disorder.

Growing up-- I had ebbs and flows of the severity of my anxiety.  I couldn't tell you my triggers-- other than my smoke detector in my house, and sirens.  It came time for me to go to college.  How in the world did I manage to live 4 years away from home... playing DII soccer?  Well, it wasn't easy at first.  I remember calling home every night crying my first week at school.  I am introverted.  I was going into preseason hurt so my confidence wasn't as high.  I survived, met some amazing friends, and college was actually some of my least anxious times of my life.  I know what you are thinking-- probably because you drank and partied.  No.  Again, anyone who knows me knows that is not me.  I was not a partier in college.  Not to mention with soccer, we weren't give many opportunities to do that-- and I am a rule follower :)  I just think I kept myself so busy with school, soccer, GREAT friends, an amazing and supportive boyfriend.... it truly was a great time in my life.

So, when did my anxiety come crashing back with a vengeance??  Once my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004-- it slowly started creeping back.  I know I have blogged about this before, so I will make this part short, but it got to the point where I was curled in a ball, on the couch, in the dark, crying on and off begging God to make me "normal", because I was convinced I had cancer.  Side note-- the strange thing about anxiety that people who don't have it may not understand-- I KNOW my thoughts most of the time are irrational... but guess what??  I can't help it.  That is was anxiety disorder is.  I would find myself searching for swollen lymph nodes (My dad had lymphoma), looking for sores in my mouth, researching pains I was experiencing in my shins-- convincing myself I had Leukemia.  I had hit an all.time.low.  I finally forced myself to go into the doctor.  I was given medication for depression.  Ok.  You know those forms you fill out at the doctors office sometimes?  Yea.  I had all those symptoms of depression.  Feels worthless. Sleeps all the time.  Thoughts of not wanting to live.  But guess what??  My ANXIETY was making me depressed.  Those symptoms were a result of my anxiety.  It would take a couple more years for me to realize this-- but I wasn't depressed.

Depression and Anxiety are often treated with the same meds.  I can't tell you what I was on this first time... I have been on a variety of meds.  However, the prescription the Dr. gave me worked.  I started feeling the "edge" go away almost immediately.  I continued taking these meds for a while... I can't remember when I stopped but there were a couple of times from this diagnosis until Bella died where I would be on meds, then off.  At this point, my anxiety was under control.

Then 2007 happened.  It started as a great year-- Dan and I got engaged, we had an adorable yellow lab puppy, we bought our new home.... However, November happened.  My dad has his stem cell transplant, and Bella was killed.  This began a snowball affect of anxiety and tough times in Dan and my life.  I could go on and on about little things that added up to help this snowball get bigger.... but needless to say with Elizabeth's death in 2010-- it was an up and down of emotions.

Today-- something as small as feeling guilty about not getting my house clean, or laundry done, etc. can make me feel anxious.  It's that perfectionism piece.  I feel shame when things aren't "perfect"-- again I know its ok that things aren't-- that isn't the point-- its that feeling of it that I can't control.

I was inspired to write about this today because of a story that a friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning.  I think anxiety is something that people think you can control-- just stop worrying-- it has taken my family-- especially Dan-- a while to understand it.  I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live with someone like me when I am at a low :)  I fortunately have had numerous doctors supportive and helpful in treatment and getting me to where I am today where I am able to manage and cope with my anxiety.  There are still days where a trigger will make it flare up-- or days where I am feeling on edge and anxious for no apparent reason-- but I have a lot less bad days now-- and somewhat feel "normal."

 Here is the link to the article. What Anxiety Actually Is  I can relate to 95% of what is discussed here- the funny thing about anxiety is everyone has different triggers.  Unlike this article-- sports were the one place I didn't get anxiety.  I thrived on the soccer field and think this was one of the places I felt the most safe and happy-- I think it helped me cope growing up with my anxiety :)

Baby Ella

I have begun multiple posts, and haven't finished.  Not sure why... I guess I haven't felt like writing a whole lot.  I just logged in and realized I hadn't written Ella's birth story.... so I better do that before I forget.  Ella is now 7 weeks old, so I apologize-- this will probably be a long post.

So the night before Ella was born, Dan and I had a heated discussion on names.  I had thought we had agreed on a name... but apparently I was wrong :)  Throughout this pregnancy Dan never wanted to talk about it names... we have time, we have time.  Guess what he said the night before we were having our baby?  WE HAVE TIME!  Ha.  Our baby girl was being born the next day, she didn't have a name, and Dan responds we have time.  I am a PLANNER and hate not being in control of things... so the fact we had no name-- I was freaking out-- that and the fact I was having a baby the next day-- we managed to get to bed and get a few hours sleep.

Let me say how much I LOVE St. John's.  I know I have said it before... but seriously-- amazing.  I only had one experience that I didn't love which I will get to-- but overall-- awesome.

As I was being prepped for surgery, it was much different than with Brynn.  I was so much more aware of what was going on-- since it wasn't an emergency.  Of course the Doctors like that because they aren't all running around, but it almost seemed scarier because I had time to think about it.  My Dr.-- I LOVE her-- seriously.  She stopped in and gave me a hug, and then next I saw her was in the operating room.

While I was laying on the table getting prepped-- My blood pressure was super low and I felt nauseous.  This is a side effect of whatever drugs they had me on-- but what a bizarre feeling.  They were able to give me more drugs to help with it-- thank goodness.  It almost felt like an out-of-body experience when I had that low BP.

It was time to bring Dan in and meet our baby.  Dan loves this stuff-- so he watched and took some pics. :)  Finally our baby girl was born!  She had no name!  One of the reasons we chose to deliver at St. John's was I still got to do skin-to-skin with our baby while in the emergency room.  Dan cut her cord, and they immediately put her on my chest while they finished stitching me up.  I got to go right back into the same room I began in for recovery-- no switching rooms, and Ella was on my chest the whole time.  She latched on immediately when I tried to nurse her-- and I was in such a euphoric state.  The whole time in the hospital I felt this way... it may have been the pain meds... but I was on cloud 9.

My time at the hospital was nice!  Every nurse I had was amazing-- one I had every day was also a lactation consultant so I think that helped a lot with the nursing.  Even thought I nursed Brynn, it still took some getting used to with Ella.  We also decided on Ella later that day... her name is Ella Grace.  Grace was Elizabeth's middle name... so both Brynn and Ella carry a piece of our girl with them <3 p="">
So I said there was one no-so-good incident at the hospital.  Since Ella's Dr. doesn't do visits at St. John's, we had a Resident Dr. from the U-- long story short-- when she was doing her exam on Ella, she started talking about a dimple on her butt and said the words "Spina Bifida."  I turned white and my eyes met my moms.  Mind you-- we had family -- a lot of it-- in our room at this time.  WTF did she just say?  I ask her what she is talking about and she says "oh, she is fine, this dimple is closed"  blah blah blah.  I am sorry-- you don't not say things like that to an anxious mother who has had one daughter that did not survive and has bad anxiety.  I was really upset.  It was almost as though she was trying to prove to us she knows a lot of stuff-- like "oh, I know what this is, I read about it in my med school textbook."  I was able to get over that for the rest of my time in the hospital... but once I was home, I began fixated on it.  My anxiety-- includes a bit of OCD.  I get ideas in my head and fixate on them and can't let it go.  Couple that with the changes I am going through with hormones-- I was a mess.  At Ella's first check up-- her poor Dr. got to see me break down! ha.  I explained to her what had happened and showed her this dimple, and she reassured me she is perfect and it is nothing to worry about.  Dan also had strep throat the first week we were home... so I was stressed about feeling like I was alone with the girls.  Anyway, we survived!

Ella was 7lbs 10 oz when she was born.  At her one month appt, she was up to 9lbs 2 oz.  She is in the 90th percentile for height/ weight/ and head circumference.  They do adjust it based on her gestational age since she was born at 37 weeks.

She is a really good baby-- the only time she cries is if she is hungry.  We have finally gotten her to take a nuk which helps, and she has been sleeping in the co-sleeper now!  Brynn is SO in love with her and has been an amazing sister and big help.  It is so fun-- now if we could keep Brynn healthy so I wouldn't be as worried about her being in her face... that would help.

I am going to try and keep up with updating as we reach milestones.  I love being able to go back and read about Brynn-- so I would like to be able to with Ella!  This week-- Smiles!  Ella is smailing a lot at us.

Full Circle

Brynn's birthday is January 11, 2011.  She was born exactly one year, to the date, of my ultrasound with Elizabeth discovering she was not going to live.  In one full year, I experienced the most devastating day of my life, and the happiest day of my life.

One year ago today, October 16, 2013, I thought I was miscarrying... Sad, but glad that's all it was.  My world was flipped upside down when I received a phone call from a nurse telling me they are pretty sure I'm having an ectopic pregnancy... I needed to come in immediately.  I no longer was just miscarrying and my body could deal with this loss on its own... I was at St. John's hospital, heading to the cancer treatment facility, to terminate my ectopic pregnancy.  Here I am, once again, full circle, one year later, awaiting the arrival of my second baby.  The timing of these experiences is just so crazy to me.  I am so thankful I met my Dr. while experiencing my ectopic as well... She is amazing.

I have not had an easy road, and people who don't know what I've experienced make comments all.the.time when I tell them I am done after this.  They say "you'll need to try for a boy!"  No.  I hopefully will have two beautiful, healthy, baby girls in my arms tomorrow, and that's sounds perfect.

I know there are people who've experienced a lot worse than I have, as well as others that can't imagine experiencing what we've been through-- that's where I was 5 years ago.  I am the mother I am to Brynn and to our no-name daughter :) because of my experience and time with Elizabeth. ❤️

I can't wait to update you all on the birth of our baby girl!

36 Weeks

I said I would be better... There were many times I thought about posting/ updating... And I really should have... But just have a hard time thinking anyone cares about me and my boring life :)

I'm 36 weeks 1 day pregnant, and ready to be DONE.  I have one week... This little girl will be entering the work next Friday-- hopefully with a name!  I'm excited and nervous.  Nervous for recovery-- having a c-section... And nervous to have 2 kids to take care of, working full time, keeping house clean, daily chores, spending time with my family.... Makes me tired thinking about it!  Although I've gotten so used to feeling tired and crummy pregnant- I have to remind myself I won't be pregnant anymore!  EVER again!

It is funny how every pregnancy is different.  I haven't gained as much weight this time around, but I was diagnosed with GD which really suprised me.  It was whacky at first, but now it's almost as if I don't have it anymore... Weird I know but my numbers are really low and good.  Recently I have been diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) which came on later than it did with Brynn... And not as bad.  Funny how different doctors treat it though!  This dr-- whom I LOVE-- is way more cautious with PIH than my Dr with Brynn.  She sent me to the hospital for monitoring on Monday because I went in not feeling right-- BP 160/82 and blurry vision.  My readings over night ranged from 120/77 to 140/82 so was released!  I was really glad.

Now I sit at home- not able to work- leaving abruptly- and in the most important part of our season-- SECTIONS!  I'm trying to distance myself because my passion = probably rising BP but it's hard.  Lauby and Hootie have been AMAZING and helping a ton.

In the meantime... Trying to get little things taken care of around the house.  We have a cleaning crew coming in a week from today to deep clean the house which will be AMAZING!!  Can't wait.  That's my update.

Second Trimester

Today I am 14 weeks.  Hello second trimester.  However, I feel like I look like I'm 20 weeks.  Oh well... Uterus knows what it's doing third time around.  I'm still nauseous.  Not quite as tired.  I also am pretty sure I felt the baby for the first time this week so that is exciting.  Two more weeks until we should find out if baby is a boy or girl.  Here is a pic of me, tonight, at 14 weeks.

I've been sick this week which hasn't been fun.  I've been throwing up more, and it's funny sometimes I don't know if it's due to being pregnant or sick.  This week it's been a combination--  it hasn't been fun.  I'm hoping to get a good night sleep tonight.

I guess the biggest news is Brynn is having surgery at Children's Hospital to get a cyst removed from her neck.  They think it may be what is called a thyroglossal duct cyst (google it if you want more info) or just a dermoid.  Nothing serious, but needs to be removed so it doesn't get bigger/ infected.  I know I'm so lucky she is healthy and things could be worse but I'm nervous about the process and her being put under.  I'm hoping we get to come home, but we may need to stay,  depends on how surgery goes I guess.  Positive thoughts and prayers for Miss Brynn would be appreciated!  Her surgery is at 8am, but we have to check in at 6:30 so it's gonna be an early morning!

This pregnancy is going much quicker than Brynn's.  It's been nice.  As a side note, 4 years ago today I found out I was pregnant with her!

I'll update about Brynn's surgery this weekend. ❤️

12 Weeks and Counting.

12 weeks 4 days.  I'm just about a week away from the second trimester!  Hard to believe but glad... Because I'm hoping this nausea is on it's way out.  I'm so sick of feeling hungover but not having the fun that comes before it :)  however, I am so glad I am experiencing it because I am carrying a healthy baby.

So here is where I am at mentally... We will see if you stay with me.  I'm a freak.  I always refer to myself as that.  I just can't win.  I have had nothing but great news during this 4th pregnancy.  I had my Nuchal Translucensy (NT) scan this week.  This test measures the percentage/ chance of baby being born with any chromosomal abnormalities-- such as Down syndrome and spina bifida.  Measurements and blood tests all came back normal... Which is so great!  However, I feel guilty.  WHAT?!  I know that's messed up.  This is my 4th time being pregnant... Hopefully second living child... Yet I feel guilty everything is going well.  I guess this comes from friends who have babies with health issues/ have a hard time conceiving.... And the guilt comes.  I'm blessed with Brynn.  Am I being selfish by wanting and being blessed with hopefully a second baby??  I know.  I told you I'm a freak.  I know it's irrational, I get that.  I just can't help but have those thoughts.

Ok... Now that is off my chest.  Onto pregnancy related stuff.   I think I am showing.  I feel like I just look like I ate too many egg mcmuffins, but friends try to convince me it looks like a baby bump :) my appetite has been weird.  More just hungry, but not a lot sounds good.  I've been tired still.  Other than that... Not really many cravings.

Brynn is getting more excited about being a big sister.  She will be such a huge help.  She has been sleeping better so that hopefully continues-- because the thought of her not sleeping well and a newborn, yikes.  I just should leave every night because when Dan puts her to bed she's an angel.  Me- not a chance.  Tonight I pretended I was leaving and Dan put her to bed... Not a peep!  When it's me she calls me every 5 min for a drink, she dropped something, she needs covers, etc.  Amazing how early they figure that stuff out.

My next appt is May 21.  I'll get to find out the gender :). I'll be 16 weeks.  I will be getting an ultrasound every 4 weeks throughout my pregnancy due to my history.  I'm not complaining :)  I already know I'm having a girl though... And would have to be convinced otherwise!

Here is a pic from my last ultrasound

Here are some pics of us on Easter... We didn't get a family pic.  Oh, and PS, this weather is going to be terrible this week. Dreading it.

Beautiful Sound

When I was pregnant with Brynn, I bought a doppler.  I needed the reassurance baby was ok before she was big enough for me to feel moving.  I broke it out this week and was able to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time!! :)

This last week, friends, co-workers, and my students were made aware of my pregnancy.  I think the fact this is the 4th time I have been pregnant... is making it so I am showing already.  I feel like I look about 16 weeks pregnant instead of 10!  Oh well.... people have even had the courage to ask when I am due without having known for sure I was pregnant!  SO at least it must look like baby belly.

My students are so funny.  They are 13-14 year old 8th graders, so their reactions are priceless.  I decided to just tell my 2nd hour since they are the kiddos I kept having to leave to go to my appts.  I figured once I told them, it would spread like wild fire.  It did.  Every kid has an opinion on a name (most commonly suggested is their own name, and even followed by Jr.  They obviously don't know what Jr. means!)  They have opinions on if it is a boy or girl.  Some even ask questions such as "did you want to have a baby" or "will you breast feed or bottle feed?"  It truly is never dull teaching 8th grade.  It has allowed me to open up a bit more about my pregnancy struggles.  When they are asking questions, sometimes it comes up this is my 4th time being pregnant and I only have 1 living child.... hopefully soon-to-be 2!  They are so sympathetic when they hear that and concerned.  It is so sweet.

Week 10:  I feel like I have a bit more energy.  Still nauseous.  I LOVE Coffee and Diet Coke, and neither have been extremely appetizing to me this trimester.  I hope that changes because I miss them!  My face doesn't seem to be as broken out as it had been... so hopefully that continues.  Hormones and my face don't mix well :)  My gut is still telling me girl.  I really hope we find out before the end of the school year because my students will want to know!

I think I will post a belly pic the next blog entry.

Blogs are funny.  I love reading people's-- because they may be funny, I may relate to them, or just to see a little personal look into someone's life.  I have a hard time though thinking about the number of you who read this and are interested in MY story.  I am doing this in case someone stumbles upon it while doing google searches on pregnancy loss, a way for me to heal through my struggles but also be excited about triumphs, and just so I have a documented journey through all of this.  I think it will be great to share with my kids someday!