Full Circle

Brynn's birthday is January 11, 2011.  She was born exactly one year, to the date, of my ultrasound with Elizabeth discovering she was not going to live.  In one full year, I experienced the most devastating day of my life, and the happiest day of my life.

One year ago today, October 16, 2013, I thought I was miscarrying... Sad, but glad that's all it was.  My world was flipped upside down when I received a phone call from a nurse telling me they are pretty sure I'm having an ectopic pregnancy... I needed to come in immediately.  I no longer was just miscarrying and my body could deal with this loss on its own... I was at St. John's hospital, heading to the cancer treatment facility, to terminate my ectopic pregnancy.  Here I am, once again, full circle, one year later, awaiting the arrival of my second baby.  The timing of these experiences is just so crazy to me.  I am so thankful I met my Dr. while experiencing my ectopic as well... She is amazing.

I have not had an easy road, and people who don't know what I've experienced make comments all.the.time when I tell them I am done after this.  They say "you'll need to try for a boy!"  No.  I hopefully will have two beautiful, healthy, baby girls in my arms tomorrow, and that's sounds perfect.

I know there are people who've experienced a lot worse than I have, as well as others that can't imagine experiencing what we've been through-- that's where I was 5 years ago.  I am the mother I am to Brynn and to our no-name daughter :) because of my experience and time with Elizabeth. ❤️

I can't wait to update you all on the birth of our baby girl!

36 Weeks

I said I would be better... There were many times I thought about posting/ updating... And I really should have... But just have a hard time thinking anyone cares about me and my boring life :)

I'm 36 weeks 1 day pregnant, and ready to be DONE.  I have one week... This little girl will be entering the work next Friday-- hopefully with a name!  I'm excited and nervous.  Nervous for recovery-- having a c-section... And nervous to have 2 kids to take care of, working full time, keeping house clean, daily chores, spending time with my family.... Makes me tired thinking about it!  Although I've gotten so used to feeling tired and crummy pregnant- I have to remind myself I won't be pregnant anymore!  EVER again!

It is funny how every pregnancy is different.  I haven't gained as much weight this time around, but I was diagnosed with GD which really suprised me.  It was whacky at first, but now it's almost as if I don't have it anymore... Weird I know but my numbers are really low and good.  Recently I have been diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) which came on later than it did with Brynn... And not as bad.  Funny how different doctors treat it though!  This dr-- whom I LOVE-- is way more cautious with PIH than my Dr with Brynn.  She sent me to the hospital for monitoring on Monday because I went in not feeling right-- BP 160/82 and blurry vision.  My readings over night ranged from 120/77 to 140/82 so was released!  I was really glad.

Now I sit at home- not able to work- leaving abruptly- and in the most important part of our season-- SECTIONS!  I'm trying to distance myself because my passion = probably rising BP but it's hard.  Lauby and Hootie have been AMAZING and helping a ton.

In the meantime... Trying to get little things taken care of around the house.  We have a cleaning crew coming in a week from today to deep clean the house which will be AMAZING!!  Can't wait.  That's my update.

Second Trimester

Today I am 14 weeks.  Hello second trimester.  However, I feel like I look like I'm 20 weeks.  Oh well... Uterus knows what it's doing third time around.  I'm still nauseous.  Not quite as tired.  I also am pretty sure I felt the baby for the first time this week so that is exciting.  Two more weeks until we should find out if baby is a boy or girl.  Here is a pic of me, tonight, at 14 weeks.

I've been sick this week which hasn't been fun.  I've been throwing up more, and it's funny sometimes I don't know if it's due to being pregnant or sick.  This week it's been a combination--  it hasn't been fun.  I'm hoping to get a good night sleep tonight.

I guess the biggest news is Brynn is having surgery at Children's Hospital to get a cyst removed from her neck.  They think it may be what is called a thyroglossal duct cyst (google it if you want more info) or just a dermoid.  Nothing serious, but needs to be removed so it doesn't get bigger/ infected.  I know I'm so lucky she is healthy and things could be worse but I'm nervous about the process and her being put under.  I'm hoping we get to come home, but we may need to stay,  depends on how surgery goes I guess.  Positive thoughts and prayers for Miss Brynn would be appreciated!  Her surgery is at 8am, but we have to check in at 6:30 so it's gonna be an early morning!

This pregnancy is going much quicker than Brynn's.  It's been nice.  As a side note, 4 years ago today I found out I was pregnant with her!

I'll update about Brynn's surgery this weekend. ❤️

12 Weeks and Counting.

12 weeks 4 days.  I'm just about a week away from the second trimester!  Hard to believe but glad... Because I'm hoping this nausea is on it's way out.  I'm so sick of feeling hungover but not having the fun that comes before it :)  however, I am so glad I am experiencing it because I am carrying a healthy baby.

So here is where I am at mentally... We will see if you stay with me.  I'm a freak.  I always refer to myself as that.  I just can't win.  I have had nothing but great news during this 4th pregnancy.  I had my Nuchal Translucensy (NT) scan this week.  This test measures the percentage/ chance of baby being born with any chromosomal abnormalities-- such as Down syndrome and spina bifida.  Measurements and blood tests all came back normal... Which is so great!  However, I feel guilty.  WHAT?!  I know that's messed up.  This is my 4th time being pregnant... Hopefully second living child... Yet I feel guilty everything is going well.  I guess this comes from friends who have babies with health issues/ have a hard time conceiving.... And the guilt comes.  I'm blessed with Brynn.  Am I being selfish by wanting and being blessed with hopefully a second baby??  I know.  I told you I'm a freak.  I know it's irrational, I get that.  I just can't help but have those thoughts.

Ok... Now that is off my chest.  Onto pregnancy related stuff.   I think I am showing.  I feel like I just look like I ate too many egg mcmuffins, but friends try to convince me it looks like a baby bump :) my appetite has been weird.  More just hungry, but not a lot sounds good.  I've been tired still.  Other than that... Not really many cravings.

Brynn is getting more excited about being a big sister.  She will be such a huge help.  She has been sleeping better so that hopefully continues-- because the thought of her not sleeping well and a newborn, yikes.  I just should leave every night because when Dan puts her to bed she's an angel.  Me- not a chance.  Tonight I pretended I was leaving and Dan put her to bed... Not a peep!  When it's me she calls me every 5 min for a drink, she dropped something, she needs covers, etc.  Amazing how early they figure that stuff out.

My next appt is May 21.  I'll get to find out the gender :). I'll be 16 weeks.  I will be getting an ultrasound every 4 weeks throughout my pregnancy due to my history.  I'm not complaining :)  I already know I'm having a girl though... And would have to be convinced otherwise!

Here is a pic from my last ultrasound

Here are some pics of us on Easter... We didn't get a family pic.  Oh, and PS, this weather is going to be terrible this week. Dreading it.

Beautiful Sound

When I was pregnant with Brynn, I bought a doppler.  I needed the reassurance baby was ok before she was big enough for me to feel moving.  I broke it out this week and was able to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time!! :)

This last week, friends, co-workers, and my students were made aware of my pregnancy.  I think the fact this is the 4th time I have been pregnant... is making it so I am showing already.  I feel like I look about 16 weeks pregnant instead of 10!  Oh well.... people have even had the courage to ask when I am due without having known for sure I was pregnant!  SO at least it must look like baby belly.

My students are so funny.  They are 13-14 year old 8th graders, so their reactions are priceless.  I decided to just tell my 2nd hour since they are the kiddos I kept having to leave to go to my appts.  I figured once I told them, it would spread like wild fire.  It did.  Every kid has an opinion on a name (most commonly suggested is their own name, and even followed by Jr.  They obviously don't know what Jr. means!)  They have opinions on if it is a boy or girl.  Some even ask questions such as "did you want to have a baby" or "will you breast feed or bottle feed?"  It truly is never dull teaching 8th grade.  It has allowed me to open up a bit more about my pregnancy struggles.  When they are asking questions, sometimes it comes up this is my 4th time being pregnant and I only have 1 living child.... hopefully soon-to-be 2!  They are so sympathetic when they hear that and concerned.  It is so sweet.

Week 10:  I feel like I have a bit more energy.  Still nauseous.  I LOVE Coffee and Diet Coke, and neither have been extremely appetizing to me this trimester.  I hope that changes because I miss them!  My face doesn't seem to be as broken out as it had been... so hopefully that continues.  Hormones and my face don't mix well :)  My gut is still telling me girl.  I really hope we find out before the end of the school year because my students will want to know!

I think I will post a belly pic the next blog entry.

Blogs are funny.  I love reading people's-- because they may be funny, I may relate to them, or just to see a little personal look into someone's life.  I have a hard time though thinking about the number of you who read this and are interested in MY story.  I am doing this in case someone stumbles upon it while doing google searches on pregnancy loss, a way for me to heal through my struggles but also be excited about triumphs, and just so I have a documented journey through all of this.  I think it will be great to share with my kids someday!

4th Time's a Charm?

Ok.  So I said I was going to be an open book.  I said as soon as I peed on a stick and got a positive I would blog the journey from day 1.  Funny how when these things actually happen... One changes their mind.  

You see, when I get pregnant, it doesn't seem real.  I don't believe it.  I can't believe it because if I do, it makes it real, and that is scary.  Then feelings are involved and I get attached.  Sharing the news of being pregnant after a loss... It's weird and uncomfortable and awkward.  I wish somehow people would just know... Yet I can't wait until I'm really far along because I'm self conscious about my body and people looking at me and thinking "she's getting fat."

So you're wondering... What is she getting at?  Is she pregnant?  Yes.  I am. Cautiously but starting to believe.  I have known I am pregnant for about 6 weeks... And today I am 10 weeks pregnant.  I have seen our baby already 3 times via ultrasound, with its heart beating 175 bpm.  My clinic is fantastic and so supportive of me and my crazy nerves and anxiety.  It helps so much.

Baby Babich is due Novemeber 5--- right after soccer season :) it ended up being good timing.  Now that the cat is out of the bag... I'll be on here more blogging.

How have I felt weeks 4-10?  Sick.  Nauseous.  I feel even sicker this time then I did with Brynn.  I am convinced already it's another girl :)

So... Now you all can officially begin this journey with me.  I know it won't be easy all the time... and my craziness will make an appearance now and then.  But with the support of my awesome family, amazing friends, and such and understanding and supportive ob clinic... I know we can do this!

This is a pic of my latest ultrasound!

Negative Ghostwriter.

Negative.  I had hope... And then negative.  This was our first month able to try again--  why did I think it would happen right away?  I was thinking positive and having faith-- and it all came crashing down.

Not being pregnant this month made my feelings about my ectopic resurface.  My feelings of anger came roaring back, and I've been pretty emotional.  I should be 5

months pregnant... And here I am sitting with 5 negative preg tests.  Yes 5--  remember my earlier post?  Women trying to get pregnant pee on everything. I tell myself I'm not going to obsess... But then that goes out the window.  Don't tell me "don't stress... Just let it happen."  F that.  I'm sorry... When I want a healthy baby more than anything, and I am still mourning my loss... Don't tell me to "relax."  I hate that.

So here we are... On to month two of trying again.  And the scariest part?  Whenever/ if I get pregnant again... that's not the end.  I could end up right back here due to a loss again.  But here I am plugging on through.  What do I know?  My kids-- assuming I have another--  are going to be the most loved kids and they will definitely know how much we love them-- and I don't take one moment for granted.

On a side note-- I am being very candid about this journey.  I debated, but at this point, what's the point?  Again... my blog helps me process my feelings-- writing has always been therapeutic for me-- and I know there are other women out there that unfortunately can relate because the amount of feedback I've been getting from friends/ acquaintances about how they can relate to what I'm going through... Has been overwhelming.  So we are on this journey together... called life.  We just need to have faith in Him and try to understand that He is in control.  ❤️