First-- Ella's 2 month stats. She was 10 lbs. 2 oz. and 22 inches long. 95% for length, 75% for weight-- very similar to Brynn. She *almost* rolled over the other night- I can't believe she is already rolling to her side! She is such a good baby and we feel so blessed. Brynn has not gotten jealous once of her-- and ask my sister Shannon-- we have come a long way from when Connor (my nephew) was born!
Now to my theme of this entry-- Anxiety. I probably have other posts on the exact same things as this one is going to have-- but I have been blogging since 2010 so I can't remember every one. Not to mention the title of this blog talks about anxiety-- I have been very transparent on that part of my life. A lot of people try hiding it-- and that is every individual's choice-- I used to feel that way. Once anxiety caused me to have a debilitating life-- it became to hard to hide. I now am really open about it and comfortable with it-- it doesn't define me... however, it is a part of me and makes me who I am.
Ask my family-- I have been a "worrier" even before I knew what that meant. I remember one of my biggest fears as a child was that my house was going to start on fire. I would see our smoke detector and immediately feel that pit in my stomach come. I was convinced it would happen. I hated bedtime. I remember even up until my teens-- having anxiety over not being in bed before my parents. There was something comforting in falling asleep knowing my parents were in the room next to me-- and I could hear the Cheers theme song playing. To this day whenever I hear that, I think of those moments lying in bed with my mom and dad in the room next to me.
I was also the kid that would call home in the middle of the night to have my mom come get me-- I would be so anxious and scared-- and bless my mom for letting me try when I would beg her to let me try-- I wouldn't call home this time-- then I would call. I would be crying-- because of hating how I felt and not having control over this feeling-- and being embarrassed about what my friends parents would say in the morning when they realized I went home.
Another memory that stands out was when I would go to my Grandma Dots house in the summer-- I would spend a lot of time there. Whenever I heard sirens, the pit in my stomach came. I lived pretty close to my grandma's so when I heard sirens, I was always so scared they were going to my house-- so I would call home to my mom and make sure things were ok. I reflect on this as an adult-- and think how sad that here I was-- 10 years old-- being so scared about things such as this. I knew I worried as a kid-- my family would call me a "worry wort"... but I don't know if anyone really realized the extent of my worries. I was able to live with these feelings. I was always concerned about pleasing people, and disappointing people. I even still am today. I didn't realize that all of these things I was experiencing was due to me having anxiety disorder.
Growing up-- I had ebbs and flows of the severity of my anxiety. I couldn't tell you my triggers-- other than my smoke detector in my house, and sirens. It came time for me to go to college. How in the world did I manage to live 4 years away from home... playing DII soccer? Well, it wasn't easy at first. I remember calling home every night crying my first week at school. I am introverted. I was going into preseason hurt so my confidence wasn't as high. I survived, met some amazing friends, and college was actually some of my least anxious times of my life. I know what you are thinking-- probably because you drank and partied. No. Again, anyone who knows me knows that is not me. I was not a partier in college. Not to mention with soccer, we weren't give many opportunities to do that-- and I am a rule follower :) I just think I kept myself so busy with school, soccer, GREAT friends, an amazing and supportive boyfriend.... it truly was a great time in my life.
So, when did my anxiety come crashing back with a vengeance?? Once my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004-- it slowly started creeping back. I know I have blogged about this before, so I will make this part short, but it got to the point where I was curled in a ball, on the couch, in the dark, crying on and off begging God to make me "normal", because I was convinced I had cancer. Side note-- the strange thing about anxiety that people who don't have it may not understand-- I KNOW my thoughts most of the time are irrational... but guess what?? I can't help it. That is was anxiety disorder is. I would find myself searching for swollen lymph nodes (My dad had lymphoma), looking for sores in my mouth, researching pains I was experiencing in my shins-- convincing myself I had Leukemia. I had hit an all.time.low. I finally forced myself to go into the doctor. I was given medication for depression. Ok. You know those forms you fill out at the doctors office sometimes? Yea. I had all those symptoms of depression. Feels worthless. Sleeps all the time. Thoughts of not wanting to live. But guess what?? My ANXIETY was making me depressed. Those symptoms were a result of my anxiety. It would take a couple more years for me to realize this-- but I wasn't depressed.
Depression and Anxiety are often treated with the same meds. I can't tell you what I was on this first time... I have been on a variety of meds. However, the prescription the Dr. gave me worked. I started feeling the "edge" go away almost immediately. I continued taking these meds for a while... I can't remember when I stopped but there were a couple of times from this diagnosis until Bella died where I would be on meds, then off. At this point, my anxiety was under control.
Then 2007 happened. It started as a great year-- Dan and I got engaged, we had an adorable yellow lab puppy, we bought our new home.... However, November happened. My dad has his stem cell transplant, and Bella was killed. This began a snowball affect of anxiety and tough times in Dan and my life. I could go on and on about little things that added up to help this snowball get bigger.... but needless to say with Elizabeth's death in 2010-- it was an up and down of emotions.
Today-- something as small as feeling guilty about not getting my house clean, or laundry done, etc. can make me feel anxious. It's that perfectionism piece. I feel shame when things aren't "perfect"-- again I know its ok that things aren't-- that isn't the point-- its that feeling of it that I can't control.
I was inspired to write about this today because of a story that a friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning. I think anxiety is something that people think you can control-- just stop worrying-- it has taken my family-- especially Dan-- a while to understand it. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live with someone like me when I am at a low :) I fortunately have had numerous doctors supportive and helpful in treatment and getting me to where I am today where I am able to manage and cope with my anxiety. There are still days where a trigger will make it flare up-- or days where I am feeling on edge and anxious for no apparent reason-- but I have a lot less bad days now-- and somewhat feel "normal."
Here is the link to the article. What Anxiety Actually Is I can relate to 95% of what is discussed here- the funny thing about anxiety is everyone has different triggers. Unlike this article-- sports were the one place I didn't get anxiety. I thrived on the soccer field and think this was one of the places I felt the most safe and happy-- I think it helped me cope growing up with my anxiety :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
Baby Ella
I have begun multiple posts, and haven't finished. Not sure why... I guess I haven't felt like writing a whole lot. I just logged in and realized I hadn't written Ella's birth story.... so I better do that before I forget. Ella is now 7 weeks old, so I apologize-- this will probably be a long post.
So the night before Ella was born, Dan and I had a heated discussion on names. I had thought we had agreed on a name... but apparently I was wrong :) Throughout this pregnancy Dan never wanted to talk about it names... we have time, we have time. Guess what he said the night before we were having our baby? WE HAVE TIME! Ha. Our baby girl was being born the next day, she didn't have a name, and Dan responds we have time. I am a PLANNER and hate not being in control of things... so the fact we had no name-- I was freaking out-- that and the fact I was having a baby the next day-- we managed to get to bed and get a few hours sleep.
Let me say how much I LOVE St. John's. I know I have said it before... but seriously-- amazing. I only had one experience that I didn't love which I will get to-- but overall-- awesome.
As I was being prepped for surgery, it was much different than with Brynn. I was so much more aware of what was going on-- since it wasn't an emergency. Of course the Doctors like that because they aren't all running around, but it almost seemed scarier because I had time to think about it. My Dr.-- I LOVE her-- seriously. She stopped in and gave me a hug, and then next I saw her was in the operating room.
While I was laying on the table getting prepped-- My blood pressure was super low and I felt nauseous. This is a side effect of whatever drugs they had me on-- but what a bizarre feeling. They were able to give me more drugs to help with it-- thank goodness. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience when I had that low BP.
It was time to bring Dan in and meet our baby. Dan loves this stuff-- so he watched and took some pics. :) Finally our baby girl was born! She had no name! One of the reasons we chose to deliver at St. John's was I still got to do skin-to-skin with our baby while in the emergency room. Dan cut her cord, and they immediately put her on my chest while they finished stitching me up. I got to go right back into the same room I began in for recovery-- no switching rooms, and Ella was on my chest the whole time. She latched on immediately when I tried to nurse her-- and I was in such a euphoric state. The whole time in the hospital I felt this way... it may have been the pain meds... but I was on cloud 9.
My time at the hospital was nice! Every nurse I had was amazing-- one I had every day was also a lactation consultant so I think that helped a lot with the nursing. Even thought I nursed Brynn, it still took some getting used to with Ella. We also decided on Ella later that day... her name is Ella Grace. Grace was Elizabeth's middle name... so both Brynn and Ella carry a piece of our girl with them <3 p="">
So I said there was one no-so-good incident at the hospital. Since Ella's Dr. doesn't do visits at St. John's, we had a Resident Dr. from the U-- long story short-- when she was doing her exam on Ella, she started talking about a dimple on her butt and said the words "Spina Bifida." I turned white and my eyes met my moms. Mind you-- we had family -- a lot of it-- in our room at this time. WTF did she just say? I ask her what she is talking about and she says "oh, she is fine, this dimple is closed" blah blah blah. I am sorry-- you don't not say things like that to an anxious mother who has had one daughter that did not survive and has bad anxiety. I was really upset. It was almost as though she was trying to prove to us she knows a lot of stuff-- like "oh, I know what this is, I read about it in my med school textbook." I was able to get over that for the rest of my time in the hospital... but once I was home, I began fixated on it. My anxiety-- includes a bit of OCD. I get ideas in my head and fixate on them and can't let it go. Couple that with the changes I am going through with hormones-- I was a mess. At Ella's first check up-- her poor Dr. got to see me break down! ha. I explained to her what had happened and showed her this dimple, and she reassured me she is perfect and it is nothing to worry about. Dan also had strep throat the first week we were home... so I was stressed about feeling like I was alone with the girls. Anyway, we survived!
Ella was 7lbs 10 oz when she was born. At her one month appt, she was up to 9lbs 2 oz. She is in the 90th percentile for height/ weight/ and head circumference. They do adjust it based on her gestational age since she was born at 37 weeks.
She is a really good baby-- the only time she cries is if she is hungry. We have finally gotten her to take a nuk which helps, and she has been sleeping in the co-sleeper now! Brynn is SO in love with her and has been an amazing sister and big help. It is so fun-- now if we could keep Brynn healthy so I wouldn't be as worried about her being in her face... that would help.
I am going to try and keep up with updating as we reach milestones. I love being able to go back and read about Brynn-- so I would like to be able to with Ella! This week-- Smiles! Ella is smailing a lot at us.
So the night before Ella was born, Dan and I had a heated discussion on names. I had thought we had agreed on a name... but apparently I was wrong :) Throughout this pregnancy Dan never wanted to talk about it names... we have time, we have time. Guess what he said the night before we were having our baby? WE HAVE TIME! Ha. Our baby girl was being born the next day, she didn't have a name, and Dan responds we have time. I am a PLANNER and hate not being in control of things... so the fact we had no name-- I was freaking out-- that and the fact I was having a baby the next day-- we managed to get to bed and get a few hours sleep.
Let me say how much I LOVE St. John's. I know I have said it before... but seriously-- amazing. I only had one experience that I didn't love which I will get to-- but overall-- awesome.
As I was being prepped for surgery, it was much different than with Brynn. I was so much more aware of what was going on-- since it wasn't an emergency. Of course the Doctors like that because they aren't all running around, but it almost seemed scarier because I had time to think about it. My Dr.-- I LOVE her-- seriously. She stopped in and gave me a hug, and then next I saw her was in the operating room.
While I was laying on the table getting prepped-- My blood pressure was super low and I felt nauseous. This is a side effect of whatever drugs they had me on-- but what a bizarre feeling. They were able to give me more drugs to help with it-- thank goodness. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience when I had that low BP.
It was time to bring Dan in and meet our baby. Dan loves this stuff-- so he watched and took some pics. :) Finally our baby girl was born! She had no name! One of the reasons we chose to deliver at St. John's was I still got to do skin-to-skin with our baby while in the emergency room. Dan cut her cord, and they immediately put her on my chest while they finished stitching me up. I got to go right back into the same room I began in for recovery-- no switching rooms, and Ella was on my chest the whole time. She latched on immediately when I tried to nurse her-- and I was in such a euphoric state. The whole time in the hospital I felt this way... it may have been the pain meds... but I was on cloud 9.
My time at the hospital was nice! Every nurse I had was amazing-- one I had every day was also a lactation consultant so I think that helped a lot with the nursing. Even thought I nursed Brynn, it still took some getting used to with Ella. We also decided on Ella later that day... her name is Ella Grace. Grace was Elizabeth's middle name... so both Brynn and Ella carry a piece of our girl with them <3 p="">
So I said there was one no-so-good incident at the hospital. Since Ella's Dr. doesn't do visits at St. John's, we had a Resident Dr. from the U-- long story short-- when she was doing her exam on Ella, she started talking about a dimple on her butt and said the words "Spina Bifida." I turned white and my eyes met my moms. Mind you-- we had family -- a lot of it-- in our room at this time. WTF did she just say? I ask her what she is talking about and she says "oh, she is fine, this dimple is closed" blah blah blah. I am sorry-- you don't not say things like that to an anxious mother who has had one daughter that did not survive and has bad anxiety. I was really upset. It was almost as though she was trying to prove to us she knows a lot of stuff-- like "oh, I know what this is, I read about it in my med school textbook." I was able to get over that for the rest of my time in the hospital... but once I was home, I began fixated on it. My anxiety-- includes a bit of OCD. I get ideas in my head and fixate on them and can't let it go. Couple that with the changes I am going through with hormones-- I was a mess. At Ella's first check up-- her poor Dr. got to see me break down! ha. I explained to her what had happened and showed her this dimple, and she reassured me she is perfect and it is nothing to worry about. Dan also had strep throat the first week we were home... so I was stressed about feeling like I was alone with the girls. Anyway, we survived!
Ella was 7lbs 10 oz when she was born. At her one month appt, she was up to 9lbs 2 oz. She is in the 90th percentile for height/ weight/ and head circumference. They do adjust it based on her gestational age since she was born at 37 weeks.
She is a really good baby-- the only time she cries is if she is hungry. We have finally gotten her to take a nuk which helps, and she has been sleeping in the co-sleeper now! Brynn is SO in love with her and has been an amazing sister and big help. It is so fun-- now if we could keep Brynn healthy so I wouldn't be as worried about her being in her face... that would help.
I am going to try and keep up with updating as we reach milestones. I love being able to go back and read about Brynn-- so I would like to be able to with Ella! This week-- Smiles! Ella is smailing a lot at us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
