New school year brings a lot of changes. New students, new soccer season, new routines. With all that change, anxiety comes at me full force. For me, change is a trigger. Every school year- a new trimester- I am anxious. For some reason, I just can't completely kick this feeling. Normally 3 weeks into the school year, my anxiety would have leveled out. Right now, as I am typing this, it is in full force. Many who don't experience anxiety probably don't understand. Why are you anxious? What is causing it? That is the thing... it doesn't have to be anything. I try to pin point the cause, but when I think I do- something completely different will trigger it. I hate that I am on edge right now. I hate that I feel like I want to isolate myself. I hate that I feel like I am distancing myself from my husband- not because I want to- but because it is how my body is responding to the anxiety.
Why am I updating my blog now? Well... I really want to continue it because of the amount of people who have reached out to me saying it has helped them through something- also because I have become terrible at documenting things in the girls lives- at least I can continue here and the girls can read about it some day. What is my solution to the anxiety going to be? I think I need to make a Dr. appt. I hate to think I need to increase my meds- not sure if that is an option- but I need to get this under control. All of my energy is being used on my students, and I want to have energy to be involved with my family at home.
If you have never dealt with anxiety- I can't even imagine that- you are so lucky. If you never have dealt with anxiety yourself but care about someone who does- we know a lot of times the things we worry about is irrational. That is what anxiety is. Telling us it is dumb to worry about something will not help or stop us from it- we know a lot of the time it is irrational. Just being there- showing your support and you care- and listening- that is what helps in the moments we need it most.
In other news- the school year has been so great- we are off to a great start and I love my students. Soccer season is also off to a great start- and we are having fun! Brynnie LOVES school- and hasn't skipped a beat. Ella is starting to talk a lot more- and her personality is really starting to show. She loves playing with baby dolls, loves books, loves being outside, and loves copying her big sister. I had a weekend off of soccer and it was so nice yesterday to just spend time with the girls- I am looking forward to also doing that today.
Until next time....
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Brynn's Birthday
Man- I have thought about updating SO MANY times. Poor Ella. Brynn will have her baby book and the blog... I have barely done either for Ella! Those poor second children :)
I have SO MUCH to do tonight as I am leaving for AZ on Wednesday... but feel as though I needed to write tonight. 6 years ago, I had my ultrasound with Elizabeth. Yes, her birthday is on Saturday, but this is the day that rocked me like no other. January 11, 2010, was the worst day of my life. To have such mixed feelings on Brynn's birthday is really hard. I have been really happy celebrating Brynn-- she was my first take home baby, something I thought would never happen after losing Elizabeth. However, I was also heartbroken on this same day. I feel as though writing about Elizabeth is my way to make sure she knows I have not forgotten her. I think of her often, but do even more today. She made me a mom for the first time, and as sit here tonight I am sad thinking about the loss. I still wonder what would have been, not as often, because I wouldn't have my Brynnie, but she would be almost 6 and in Kindergarten. I love you baby girl!
AND then there is my next baby-- Miss Brynn. She is FIVE!!! I have a hard time thinking I am old enough to have a daughter that old. And to think school next year??? She is so ready. She is really enjoying skating-- ballet begins this week, too. We have taken a break from gymnastics for her to try ballet, so we shall see how that goes. She is super girly, yet loves her sports and hiking and exploring with dad. She is really sensitive, caring, and bubbly. Always on the go -- loves to play games and coloring. I feel so lucky to be her mom.
And then there is my Ella Bella. She is still just the happiest little girl! She is beginning to say a lot more words. Loves her sissy, to dance, books, and being chased! She loves to run around and squeal :) She will eat everything and anything- which we always make sure to show Brynn since Brynn is not like that. Both girls just make my heart so full.
I feel like I am always writing the same things about Elizabeth. I don't have anything groundbreaking to say about my time with her or the feelings I have. I just hurt and ache for her today. And like I said, I struggle with that since it is also Brynn's birthday, and I am so happy I have Brynn in my life. Funny how life works and those feelings mess with you. I do know, both girls will know they have a sister in heaven. Brynn is well aware of it and talks about her a lot.
I have SO MUCH to do tonight as I am leaving for AZ on Wednesday... but feel as though I needed to write tonight. 6 years ago, I had my ultrasound with Elizabeth. Yes, her birthday is on Saturday, but this is the day that rocked me like no other. January 11, 2010, was the worst day of my life. To have such mixed feelings on Brynn's birthday is really hard. I have been really happy celebrating Brynn-- she was my first take home baby, something I thought would never happen after losing Elizabeth. However, I was also heartbroken on this same day. I feel as though writing about Elizabeth is my way to make sure she knows I have not forgotten her. I think of her often, but do even more today. She made me a mom for the first time, and as sit here tonight I am sad thinking about the loss. I still wonder what would have been, not as often, because I wouldn't have my Brynnie, but she would be almost 6 and in Kindergarten. I love you baby girl!
AND then there is my next baby-- Miss Brynn. She is FIVE!!! I have a hard time thinking I am old enough to have a daughter that old. And to think school next year??? She is so ready. She is really enjoying skating-- ballet begins this week, too. We have taken a break from gymnastics for her to try ballet, so we shall see how that goes. She is super girly, yet loves her sports and hiking and exploring with dad. She is really sensitive, caring, and bubbly. Always on the go -- loves to play games and coloring. I feel so lucky to be her mom.
And then there is my Ella Bella. She is still just the happiest little girl! She is beginning to say a lot more words. Loves her sissy, to dance, books, and being chased! She loves to run around and squeal :) She will eat everything and anything- which we always make sure to show Brynn since Brynn is not like that. Both girls just make my heart so full.
I feel like I am always writing the same things about Elizabeth. I don't have anything groundbreaking to say about my time with her or the feelings I have. I just hurt and ache for her today. And like I said, I struggle with that since it is also Brynn's birthday, and I am so happy I have Brynn in my life. Funny how life works and those feelings mess with you. I do know, both girls will know they have a sister in heaven. Brynn is well aware of it and talks about her a lot.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Dirty Floors
How do I have a 9 month old?! She does not stop moving! I really can tell how bad my kitchen floor needs to be scrubbed-- hence the blog title today-- because her knees/ feet show it!
What is new with Ella? She has FOUR TEETH. Both girls got 2 at a time... and I am happy to say we survived her top 2 coming in at the same time. Not without a lot of waking up at night! She is pulling herself up any chance she gets... so we are at the stage where bumps on her head are happening! We also have to be careful of what is on the floor (harder now with a 4 year old!) because everything goes in that girls mouth! She enjoys her meals, and takes a bottle (unlike her older sister) like a champ! This has been so nice-- and I have been able to leave the house way more with her than I ever did with Brynn-- I suppose being a second time mom helps, too :)
Let's talk Brynn. Man. She is something. She seriously is the most amazing little 4 year old. She has been such a big help since having Ella... she can't get enough of her! I LOVE the age she is while having a little one because she can help so much! Brynn loves swimming, reading her books, playing soccer, gymnastics, playing outside, and just loving on everyone! She is super excited about being in the pre-k class this fall, and not needing to nap :) It is hard to believe we only have one more year before she is in school.
As far as me... I can't believe how fast time goes. I know we all say it. Soccer starts in a month and I have no idea how we got here! I feel so blessed to have had the time off- thanks to Jamberry and my hard working hubby! I have mixed feelings about going back. Even though I have been working while at home-- it isn't satisfying like teaching. I have missed seeing the light bulbs go off when a student finally gets something. I have missed seeing how excited they get when talking about space or doing a lab they love. I have missed smiles on their faces when they get a test back and they did well on it and they just light up. I have missed my coworkers who are friends. And I have missed the former students coming to my room to visit, check in, and say hi. As difficult as it will be leaving the girls, and getting up early again (ugh), there really is nothing that compares to those feelings that working with kids give you. These are the moments I need to remind myself of when I am frustrated at work and am having a bad day.
Dan and I will be heading to Boston for his cousins wedding! I am SO excited to celebrate with them and family-- and so excited to go on vk with Dan. It has been 5 years. We will be bringing Ella, and leaving Brynn. I am hoping she does ok! She did great when I went to Denver, but she was much younger! Flying with a little girl who only wants to go, go, go will be tough! She is pretty easy going so I think she will be great-- and we are done with teething for a bit (I hope) so she shouldn't be affected by that! Hoping we have warm weather- but not crazy hot :)
I will leave you with a few pics from our Family Photo Shoot from our good friends, The Beyer's! <3 p="">
What is new with Ella? She has FOUR TEETH. Both girls got 2 at a time... and I am happy to say we survived her top 2 coming in at the same time. Not without a lot of waking up at night! She is pulling herself up any chance she gets... so we are at the stage where bumps on her head are happening! We also have to be careful of what is on the floor (harder now with a 4 year old!) because everything goes in that girls mouth! She enjoys her meals, and takes a bottle (unlike her older sister) like a champ! This has been so nice-- and I have been able to leave the house way more with her than I ever did with Brynn-- I suppose being a second time mom helps, too :)
Let's talk Brynn. Man. She is something. She seriously is the most amazing little 4 year old. She has been such a big help since having Ella... she can't get enough of her! I LOVE the age she is while having a little one because she can help so much! Brynn loves swimming, reading her books, playing soccer, gymnastics, playing outside, and just loving on everyone! She is super excited about being in the pre-k class this fall, and not needing to nap :) It is hard to believe we only have one more year before she is in school.
As far as me... I can't believe how fast time goes. I know we all say it. Soccer starts in a month and I have no idea how we got here! I feel so blessed to have had the time off- thanks to Jamberry and my hard working hubby! I have mixed feelings about going back. Even though I have been working while at home-- it isn't satisfying like teaching. I have missed seeing the light bulbs go off when a student finally gets something. I have missed seeing how excited they get when talking about space or doing a lab they love. I have missed smiles on their faces when they get a test back and they did well on it and they just light up. I have missed my coworkers who are friends. And I have missed the former students coming to my room to visit, check in, and say hi. As difficult as it will be leaving the girls, and getting up early again (ugh), there really is nothing that compares to those feelings that working with kids give you. These are the moments I need to remind myself of when I am frustrated at work and am having a bad day.
Dan and I will be heading to Boston for his cousins wedding! I am SO excited to celebrate with them and family-- and so excited to go on vk with Dan. It has been 5 years. We will be bringing Ella, and leaving Brynn. I am hoping she does ok! She did great when I went to Denver, but she was much younger! Flying with a little girl who only wants to go, go, go will be tough! She is pretty easy going so I think she will be great-- and we are done with teething for a bit (I hope) so she shouldn't be affected by that! Hoping we have warm weather- but not crazy hot :)
I will leave you with a few pics from our Family Photo Shoot from our good friends, The Beyer's! <3 p="">
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Just Thinking.
It is funny. Thinking about Elizabeth is what usually prompts a blog entry. This blog started because of her, and it continues because of her. I kind of love that.
Elizabeth, or Ellie as we would have called her, would be turning 5 this June. She would have been starting Kindergarten in the fall. I often find myself pondering about what her personality would have been like. Spunky like Brynn? Independent? Quirky? I then also think about my life had she lived, because Brynn wouldn't be here. It is one of those weird conundrums... Just thinking about my girl this morning.
Ella is getting super mobile! She keeps popping up on her hands and knees-- I know it is just a matter of time! She is army crawling all over. I have to be careful about what is on the floor now :) She has sprouted both her bottom teeth -- same way Brynn did -- together and at the same age! She is giggling a lot more, and just adores her big sister. Brynn can make her laugh like no one else... and I love watching it.
Ella is liking some solids. I feel so clueless still about starting them. She is eating one solid meal a day-- some not at all-- and enjoys her time with us at the dinner table.
We just spent a weekend up on Lake Vermilion for Memorial Day- it was fun! Beautiful weather and both girls were great. We are heading up again to my all-time fav city- Nisswa this weekend. Dan will have officially been up north every weekend during the month of May-- he is in heaven!
Today is the last day of school for SSP kids. I LOVE that we started early and are getting out before June. I wish we could do this every year. It is funny, typically I would be so happy about the LONG summer I have ahead of me. However, considering I have not been at work since October 6, I am thinking about how little time I have left. It truly is bittersweet. I have LOVED my time at home-- but miss my co-workers SO MUCH and the interaction with them, as well as the kids! What don't I miss? The paperwork and the exhaustion that goes along with it.
It is a bizarre thought that Brynn has only 1 more year before Kindergarten herself. It is crazy how much thought I already have been putting in about where she should go. It seems like a huge decision! Which I know it is a big one, but she has a lot of good options :)
Here are some pics of our gorgeous weekend at Vermilion!
Elizabeth, or Ellie as we would have called her, would be turning 5 this June. She would have been starting Kindergarten in the fall. I often find myself pondering about what her personality would have been like. Spunky like Brynn? Independent? Quirky? I then also think about my life had she lived, because Brynn wouldn't be here. It is one of those weird conundrums... Just thinking about my girl this morning.
Ella is getting super mobile! She keeps popping up on her hands and knees-- I know it is just a matter of time! She is army crawling all over. I have to be careful about what is on the floor now :) She has sprouted both her bottom teeth -- same way Brynn did -- together and at the same age! She is giggling a lot more, and just adores her big sister. Brynn can make her laugh like no one else... and I love watching it.
Ella is liking some solids. I feel so clueless still about starting them. She is eating one solid meal a day-- some not at all-- and enjoys her time with us at the dinner table.
We just spent a weekend up on Lake Vermilion for Memorial Day- it was fun! Beautiful weather and both girls were great. We are heading up again to my all-time fav city- Nisswa this weekend. Dan will have officially been up north every weekend during the month of May-- he is in heaven!
Today is the last day of school for SSP kids. I LOVE that we started early and are getting out before June. I wish we could do this every year. It is funny, typically I would be so happy about the LONG summer I have ahead of me. However, considering I have not been at work since October 6, I am thinking about how little time I have left. It truly is bittersweet. I have LOVED my time at home-- but miss my co-workers SO MUCH and the interaction with them, as well as the kids! What don't I miss? The paperwork and the exhaustion that goes along with it.
It is a bizarre thought that Brynn has only 1 more year before Kindergarten herself. It is crazy how much thought I already have been putting in about where she should go. It seems like a huge decision! Which I know it is a big one, but she has a lot of good options :)
Here are some pics of our gorgeous weekend at Vermilion!
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Ella is 6 Months!
Wow-- I really stink at updating this. I think about doing it a LOT... and it gets put at the bottom of my to-do list! Ella's stats: She is in the 55% for weight, 90% for length (no surprise), and 95% for head (Def Murphy head!). Comparing her stats to Brynn... they are very similar. Ella's stats are adjusted for her being born at 37 weeks.
What are Ella's new tricks? She can sit unassisted for quite some time before she falls over. She rolls over both ways a LOT. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Seriously. {knock on wood} She just goes with the flow. Her smile is so contagious and I hope this gives us a look into her personality!
I have tried giving her sweet potatoes-- she is not too thrilled. I am in no hurry either because just nursing her, it is way too convenient :) I will try to more consistently this week.
One of the BEST things about Ella-- is seeing her and Brynn interact. There is nothing better. They both light up when they see each other. It is amazing and just makes me melt. Brynn still refers to her as her "new baby sister" -- it is so cute.
I have been going back and forth between feeling sad that we are done with babies, to feeling ok about it. I have 3 siblings, and when we all are getting along :) , it is super fun-- family gatherings, holidays, it is loud and I love it. Thinking about only having 2 kids, that is so different. It will allow us to be able to travel and do things that we weren't able to do as kids, and I love that. I have 2 healthy babies, and I love that. It just is a strange feeling thinking we are done. Packing up clothes and the swing as Ella outgrows it, it makes me sad thinking we will never use them again. But, then I ask myself, even if we have another one, would I still feel like that? Is it sad no matter when it happens? I just wish that Dan and I could at least discuss it-- but he is so anti 3 kids, so I just feel like it is something that I can't even think about. While I was pregnant with Ella-- I told everyone nope, we are for sure done. This is it. I think I really was trying to convince myself that it really was it. I always imagined having a large family... I wanted 4 babies. But, my body thinks otherwise. I suppose I do have 4 babies. Only 2 are living with us now. Anyway... just being transparent and thinking out loud. We are done. I am 97% sure of that.
As far as other things in life... My maternity leave has gone so fast-- I think it is because Jamberry has just blown up. Let me just say, before I decided to take the leap-- I NEVER even thought about doing anything like this. Jamberry was different to me though. It was new, it is a non-expensive product, it is super fun to have your nails done-- and I NEVER did because it was expensive to get manis all the time, and dang nail polish chipped or I was interrupted while doing them and they would get smudged! Dan only wanted me to take 3 months off of work for maternity leave-- that broke my heart. I wanted to so badly take at least 4-- and if somehow possible, the rest of the school year. I thought, hell, if this can give me an extra month of maternity leave... I will give it a shot. I began in May of last year... and Dan said if I earned $4,000 by December... I could take an extra month off. Well-- I surpassed my goal! I feel so blessed to have gotten all this time off. Jamberry has also given me something to do besides being a mom during my leave :) AND the friendships I have made... it is awesome. I have friends all across the country now-- which means places to travel to! :) Anyway-- I try to not plaster my Jamberry stuff on my personal FB page, because I know how annoying it is when people do that. I also wont talk about it a lot here, because that isn't what this blog is meant for. However, it is a big part of my life-- and has allowed me to spend time with my babies, and for that I am forever grateful. I truly just like spreading the love because I would love everyone I care about to have this blessing and financial freedom <3 p="">
I am really looking forward to soccer season. I miss the girls SO MUCH when I am not with them! They are so much fun and I feel like they keep me young!
I am hoping to get some stuff updated around the house before I go back to work in August-- we will see! Brynn is a busy bee-- but I am hoping once it is finally consistent summer weather, she will be outside a lot which will allow me to paint and get things done.
Here are some pictures -- Ella- 6 months old!
Brynn at Gymnastics!
Brynnie and Ella :)
Me and Ella in Denver
Loving her toes!
What are Ella's new tricks? She can sit unassisted for quite some time before she falls over. She rolls over both ways a LOT. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Seriously. {knock on wood} She just goes with the flow. Her smile is so contagious and I hope this gives us a look into her personality!
I have tried giving her sweet potatoes-- she is not too thrilled. I am in no hurry either because just nursing her, it is way too convenient :) I will try to more consistently this week.
One of the BEST things about Ella-- is seeing her and Brynn interact. There is nothing better. They both light up when they see each other. It is amazing and just makes me melt. Brynn still refers to her as her "new baby sister" -- it is so cute.
I have been going back and forth between feeling sad that we are done with babies, to feeling ok about it. I have 3 siblings, and when we all are getting along :) , it is super fun-- family gatherings, holidays, it is loud and I love it. Thinking about only having 2 kids, that is so different. It will allow us to be able to travel and do things that we weren't able to do as kids, and I love that. I have 2 healthy babies, and I love that. It just is a strange feeling thinking we are done. Packing up clothes and the swing as Ella outgrows it, it makes me sad thinking we will never use them again. But, then I ask myself, even if we have another one, would I still feel like that? Is it sad no matter when it happens? I just wish that Dan and I could at least discuss it-- but he is so anti 3 kids, so I just feel like it is something that I can't even think about. While I was pregnant with Ella-- I told everyone nope, we are for sure done. This is it. I think I really was trying to convince myself that it really was it. I always imagined having a large family... I wanted 4 babies. But, my body thinks otherwise. I suppose I do have 4 babies. Only 2 are living with us now. Anyway... just being transparent and thinking out loud. We are done. I am 97% sure of that.
As far as other things in life... My maternity leave has gone so fast-- I think it is because Jamberry has just blown up. Let me just say, before I decided to take the leap-- I NEVER even thought about doing anything like this. Jamberry was different to me though. It was new, it is a non-expensive product, it is super fun to have your nails done-- and I NEVER did because it was expensive to get manis all the time, and dang nail polish chipped or I was interrupted while doing them and they would get smudged! Dan only wanted me to take 3 months off of work for maternity leave-- that broke my heart. I wanted to so badly take at least 4-- and if somehow possible, the rest of the school year. I thought, hell, if this can give me an extra month of maternity leave... I will give it a shot. I began in May of last year... and Dan said if I earned $4,000 by December... I could take an extra month off. Well-- I surpassed my goal! I feel so blessed to have gotten all this time off. Jamberry has also given me something to do besides being a mom during my leave :) AND the friendships I have made... it is awesome. I have friends all across the country now-- which means places to travel to! :) Anyway-- I try to not plaster my Jamberry stuff on my personal FB page, because I know how annoying it is when people do that. I also wont talk about it a lot here, because that isn't what this blog is meant for. However, it is a big part of my life-- and has allowed me to spend time with my babies, and for that I am forever grateful. I truly just like spreading the love because I would love everyone I care about to have this blessing and financial freedom <3 p="">
I am really looking forward to soccer season. I miss the girls SO MUCH when I am not with them! They are so much fun and I feel like they keep me young!
I am hoping to get some stuff updated around the house before I go back to work in August-- we will see! Brynn is a busy bee-- but I am hoping once it is finally consistent summer weather, she will be outside a lot which will allow me to paint and get things done.
Here are some pictures -- Ella- 6 months old!
Brynn at Gymnastics!
Brynnie and Ella :)
Me and Ella in Denver
Loving her toes!
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A Lot on my Mind
I have no idea how long this post is going to be. I don't know why I just don't post more, and make them shorter. I open up to start typing, but then decide not to. I know this blog is more for me, but I also know a lot of you read this so I often think "why would anyone care?" Well, you might not... but my thoughts may help someone :) As I know they have. I do want to give you all a heads up I have a photo of my Elizabeth in this post. I don't want to trigger anything without giving you fair warning.
Let's start with Ella. My heart is so full everyday. Ella is such a doll, and between her and Brynn, I thank God daily. I am so blessed and can't believe I am fortunate enough to be a mom to them. I know it will get even deeper as Ella starts showing her personality... and her and Brynn begin playing with each other.
Ella is cooing and smiling a ton, and has rolled over from tummy to back. She is super strong-- always wanting to sit up. She is starting to drool a ton, so teething I think is going to be starting! She likes her nuk, which Brynn never used, so we will see if that continues. That will be new territory for us!
My maternity leave is up on March 16.... can't believe that is 2 months away. However, I have been fortunate to be able to request an extension to my leave... and have requested to take off the rest of the school year!! It hasn't been board approved yet, but hopeful it will be! I so miss the routine and my co-workers... but am SO looking forward to enjoying this time with Ella and Brynn... because it goes so fast, and it will be the last time going through it. Between Jamberry taking off for me, and my budget master husband.... this is what is allowing me to take all this time off. We may not get to buy fancy things, or go on vacations, or remodel parts of our 80s home, but that time will come eventually. I would rather have this time with my kiddos :)
The week of Brynn's birthday is always emotional-- this year it was more so than ever. Brynn has always known about Elizabeth. We talk about her. We include her in conversations. Brynn is now getting to the age where she asks a lot of questions about her. She tells me she misses her a lot. (She also tells me she misses Jesus when we tell her Elizabeth is with Jesus). I have Elizabeth's footprints in a heart mold on my dresser, and Brynn knows they are hers, and often likes to touch them.
January 16 was 5 years since Elizabeth's birth. I have such a hard time believing that. Time is so strange. The time leading up to my Jan 11 ultrasound in 2010 seemed to take forever. The time of healing and until I was pregnant with Brynn seemed to take forever. My pregnancy with Brynn seemed to take forever. The time we were trying to get pregnant after Brynn seemed to take forever. Yet, the last 5 years have flown by. How is that possible? I knew I had a disc of pictures from the day of Elizabeth's birth. They were in my sock drawer. I had been thinking that I would look at them on her birthday-- I hadn't looked at her pictures since right after she was born. Brynn really wanted to see her sister, so i decided she could look at her pictures with me.
It is amazing what time does-- to your memories-- how your mind knows to block things out to protect your heart, and to help you get through awful times. When I was looking at her pictures, I forgot how red she looked. How teeny tiny she looked. I was 20 weeks pregnant, so she was just about a pound. How perfect her feet and hands looked. How the hat the hospital put on her drowned her, since she was so tiny. It also made it real again. It is so strange going through something like this. I often find myself thinking "it wasn't a big deal. I was only 20 weeks pregnant. Some women carry to full term and go through this. Some people have been through worse." WHy do I do that? I again think its a way my mind protects itself. These pictures made it real again, and made those feelings I had come to the surface. I have been feeling not-myself since her birthday, just sad. I think it is because some of those feelings have re-surfaced. I also have found myself getting angry at things people say about pregnancy, and birth. Having a child is such a blessing, and I just think some people take it for granted. I had always wanted 3-4 kids, and now will be having 2 because of my history. I am ok with that, and SO thankful for 2 perfect, healthy kids. I feel selfish sometimes for having 2.
I realized I never posted a picture of Elizabeth. I decided now is the time to introduce the world to her. I chose one of my most favorite pictures of her. Her little feet with our hands.
Let's start with Ella. My heart is so full everyday. Ella is such a doll, and between her and Brynn, I thank God daily. I am so blessed and can't believe I am fortunate enough to be a mom to them. I know it will get even deeper as Ella starts showing her personality... and her and Brynn begin playing with each other.
Ella is cooing and smiling a ton, and has rolled over from tummy to back. She is super strong-- always wanting to sit up. She is starting to drool a ton, so teething I think is going to be starting! She likes her nuk, which Brynn never used, so we will see if that continues. That will be new territory for us!
My maternity leave is up on March 16.... can't believe that is 2 months away. However, I have been fortunate to be able to request an extension to my leave... and have requested to take off the rest of the school year!! It hasn't been board approved yet, but hopeful it will be! I so miss the routine and my co-workers... but am SO looking forward to enjoying this time with Ella and Brynn... because it goes so fast, and it will be the last time going through it. Between Jamberry taking off for me, and my budget master husband.... this is what is allowing me to take all this time off. We may not get to buy fancy things, or go on vacations, or remodel parts of our 80s home, but that time will come eventually. I would rather have this time with my kiddos :)
The week of Brynn's birthday is always emotional-- this year it was more so than ever. Brynn has always known about Elizabeth. We talk about her. We include her in conversations. Brynn is now getting to the age where she asks a lot of questions about her. She tells me she misses her a lot. (She also tells me she misses Jesus when we tell her Elizabeth is with Jesus). I have Elizabeth's footprints in a heart mold on my dresser, and Brynn knows they are hers, and often likes to touch them.
January 16 was 5 years since Elizabeth's birth. I have such a hard time believing that. Time is so strange. The time leading up to my Jan 11 ultrasound in 2010 seemed to take forever. The time of healing and until I was pregnant with Brynn seemed to take forever. My pregnancy with Brynn seemed to take forever. The time we were trying to get pregnant after Brynn seemed to take forever. Yet, the last 5 years have flown by. How is that possible? I knew I had a disc of pictures from the day of Elizabeth's birth. They were in my sock drawer. I had been thinking that I would look at them on her birthday-- I hadn't looked at her pictures since right after she was born. Brynn really wanted to see her sister, so i decided she could look at her pictures with me.
It is amazing what time does-- to your memories-- how your mind knows to block things out to protect your heart, and to help you get through awful times. When I was looking at her pictures, I forgot how red she looked. How teeny tiny she looked. I was 20 weeks pregnant, so she was just about a pound. How perfect her feet and hands looked. How the hat the hospital put on her drowned her, since she was so tiny. It also made it real again. It is so strange going through something like this. I often find myself thinking "it wasn't a big deal. I was only 20 weeks pregnant. Some women carry to full term and go through this. Some people have been through worse." WHy do I do that? I again think its a way my mind protects itself. These pictures made it real again, and made those feelings I had come to the surface. I have been feeling not-myself since her birthday, just sad. I think it is because some of those feelings have re-surfaced. I also have found myself getting angry at things people say about pregnancy, and birth. Having a child is such a blessing, and I just think some people take it for granted. I had always wanted 3-4 kids, and now will be having 2 because of my history. I am ok with that, and SO thankful for 2 perfect, healthy kids. I feel selfish sometimes for having 2.
I realized I never posted a picture of Elizabeth. I decided now is the time to introduce the world to her. I chose one of my most favorite pictures of her. Her little feet with our hands.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Reflections on Anxiety
First-- Ella's 2 month stats. She was 10 lbs. 2 oz. and 22 inches long. 95% for length, 75% for weight-- very similar to Brynn. She *almost* rolled over the other night- I can't believe she is already rolling to her side! She is such a good baby and we feel so blessed. Brynn has not gotten jealous once of her-- and ask my sister Shannon-- we have come a long way from when Connor (my nephew) was born!
Now to my theme of this entry-- Anxiety. I probably have other posts on the exact same things as this one is going to have-- but I have been blogging since 2010 so I can't remember every one. Not to mention the title of this blog talks about anxiety-- I have been very transparent on that part of my life. A lot of people try hiding it-- and that is every individual's choice-- I used to feel that way. Once anxiety caused me to have a debilitating life-- it became to hard to hide. I now am really open about it and comfortable with it-- it doesn't define me... however, it is a part of me and makes me who I am.
Ask my family-- I have been a "worrier" even before I knew what that meant. I remember one of my biggest fears as a child was that my house was going to start on fire. I would see our smoke detector and immediately feel that pit in my stomach come. I was convinced it would happen. I hated bedtime. I remember even up until my teens-- having anxiety over not being in bed before my parents. There was something comforting in falling asleep knowing my parents were in the room next to me-- and I could hear the Cheers theme song playing. To this day whenever I hear that, I think of those moments lying in bed with my mom and dad in the room next to me.
I was also the kid that would call home in the middle of the night to have my mom come get me-- I would be so anxious and scared-- and bless my mom for letting me try when I would beg her to let me try-- I wouldn't call home this time-- then I would call. I would be crying-- because of hating how I felt and not having control over this feeling-- and being embarrassed about what my friends parents would say in the morning when they realized I went home.
Another memory that stands out was when I would go to my Grandma Dots house in the summer-- I would spend a lot of time there. Whenever I heard sirens, the pit in my stomach came. I lived pretty close to my grandma's so when I heard sirens, I was always so scared they were going to my house-- so I would call home to my mom and make sure things were ok. I reflect on this as an adult-- and think how sad that here I was-- 10 years old-- being so scared about things such as this. I knew I worried as a kid-- my family would call me a "worry wort"... but I don't know if anyone really realized the extent of my worries. I was able to live with these feelings. I was always concerned about pleasing people, and disappointing people. I even still am today. I didn't realize that all of these things I was experiencing was due to me having anxiety disorder.
Growing up-- I had ebbs and flows of the severity of my anxiety. I couldn't tell you my triggers-- other than my smoke detector in my house, and sirens. It came time for me to go to college. How in the world did I manage to live 4 years away from home... playing DII soccer? Well, it wasn't easy at first. I remember calling home every night crying my first week at school. I am introverted. I was going into preseason hurt so my confidence wasn't as high. I survived, met some amazing friends, and college was actually some of my least anxious times of my life. I know what you are thinking-- probably because you drank and partied. No. Again, anyone who knows me knows that is not me. I was not a partier in college. Not to mention with soccer, we weren't give many opportunities to do that-- and I am a rule follower :) I just think I kept myself so busy with school, soccer, GREAT friends, an amazing and supportive boyfriend.... it truly was a great time in my life.
So, when did my anxiety come crashing back with a vengeance?? Once my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004-- it slowly started creeping back. I know I have blogged about this before, so I will make this part short, but it got to the point where I was curled in a ball, on the couch, in the dark, crying on and off begging God to make me "normal", because I was convinced I had cancer. Side note-- the strange thing about anxiety that people who don't have it may not understand-- I KNOW my thoughts most of the time are irrational... but guess what?? I can't help it. That is was anxiety disorder is. I would find myself searching for swollen lymph nodes (My dad had lymphoma), looking for sores in my mouth, researching pains I was experiencing in my shins-- convincing myself I had Leukemia. I had hit an all.time.low. I finally forced myself to go into the doctor. I was given medication for depression. Ok. You know those forms you fill out at the doctors office sometimes? Yea. I had all those symptoms of depression. Feels worthless. Sleeps all the time. Thoughts of not wanting to live. But guess what?? My ANXIETY was making me depressed. Those symptoms were a result of my anxiety. It would take a couple more years for me to realize this-- but I wasn't depressed.
Depression and Anxiety are often treated with the same meds. I can't tell you what I was on this first time... I have been on a variety of meds. However, the prescription the Dr. gave me worked. I started feeling the "edge" go away almost immediately. I continued taking these meds for a while... I can't remember when I stopped but there were a couple of times from this diagnosis until Bella died where I would be on meds, then off. At this point, my anxiety was under control.
Then 2007 happened. It started as a great year-- Dan and I got engaged, we had an adorable yellow lab puppy, we bought our new home.... However, November happened. My dad has his stem cell transplant, and Bella was killed. This began a snowball affect of anxiety and tough times in Dan and my life. I could go on and on about little things that added up to help this snowball get bigger.... but needless to say with Elizabeth's death in 2010-- it was an up and down of emotions.
Today-- something as small as feeling guilty about not getting my house clean, or laundry done, etc. can make me feel anxious. It's that perfectionism piece. I feel shame when things aren't "perfect"-- again I know its ok that things aren't-- that isn't the point-- its that feeling of it that I can't control.
I was inspired to write about this today because of a story that a friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning. I think anxiety is something that people think you can control-- just stop worrying-- it has taken my family-- especially Dan-- a while to understand it. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live with someone like me when I am at a low :) I fortunately have had numerous doctors supportive and helpful in treatment and getting me to where I am today where I am able to manage and cope with my anxiety. There are still days where a trigger will make it flare up-- or days where I am feeling on edge and anxious for no apparent reason-- but I have a lot less bad days now-- and somewhat feel "normal."
Here is the link to the article. What Anxiety Actually Is I can relate to 95% of what is discussed here- the funny thing about anxiety is everyone has different triggers. Unlike this article-- sports were the one place I didn't get anxiety. I thrived on the soccer field and think this was one of the places I felt the most safe and happy-- I think it helped me cope growing up with my anxiety :)
Now to my theme of this entry-- Anxiety. I probably have other posts on the exact same things as this one is going to have-- but I have been blogging since 2010 so I can't remember every one. Not to mention the title of this blog talks about anxiety-- I have been very transparent on that part of my life. A lot of people try hiding it-- and that is every individual's choice-- I used to feel that way. Once anxiety caused me to have a debilitating life-- it became to hard to hide. I now am really open about it and comfortable with it-- it doesn't define me... however, it is a part of me and makes me who I am.
Ask my family-- I have been a "worrier" even before I knew what that meant. I remember one of my biggest fears as a child was that my house was going to start on fire. I would see our smoke detector and immediately feel that pit in my stomach come. I was convinced it would happen. I hated bedtime. I remember even up until my teens-- having anxiety over not being in bed before my parents. There was something comforting in falling asleep knowing my parents were in the room next to me-- and I could hear the Cheers theme song playing. To this day whenever I hear that, I think of those moments lying in bed with my mom and dad in the room next to me.
I was also the kid that would call home in the middle of the night to have my mom come get me-- I would be so anxious and scared-- and bless my mom for letting me try when I would beg her to let me try-- I wouldn't call home this time-- then I would call. I would be crying-- because of hating how I felt and not having control over this feeling-- and being embarrassed about what my friends parents would say in the morning when they realized I went home.
Another memory that stands out was when I would go to my Grandma Dots house in the summer-- I would spend a lot of time there. Whenever I heard sirens, the pit in my stomach came. I lived pretty close to my grandma's so when I heard sirens, I was always so scared they were going to my house-- so I would call home to my mom and make sure things were ok. I reflect on this as an adult-- and think how sad that here I was-- 10 years old-- being so scared about things such as this. I knew I worried as a kid-- my family would call me a "worry wort"... but I don't know if anyone really realized the extent of my worries. I was able to live with these feelings. I was always concerned about pleasing people, and disappointing people. I even still am today. I didn't realize that all of these things I was experiencing was due to me having anxiety disorder.
Growing up-- I had ebbs and flows of the severity of my anxiety. I couldn't tell you my triggers-- other than my smoke detector in my house, and sirens. It came time for me to go to college. How in the world did I manage to live 4 years away from home... playing DII soccer? Well, it wasn't easy at first. I remember calling home every night crying my first week at school. I am introverted. I was going into preseason hurt so my confidence wasn't as high. I survived, met some amazing friends, and college was actually some of my least anxious times of my life. I know what you are thinking-- probably because you drank and partied. No. Again, anyone who knows me knows that is not me. I was not a partier in college. Not to mention with soccer, we weren't give many opportunities to do that-- and I am a rule follower :) I just think I kept myself so busy with school, soccer, GREAT friends, an amazing and supportive boyfriend.... it truly was a great time in my life.
So, when did my anxiety come crashing back with a vengeance?? Once my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004-- it slowly started creeping back. I know I have blogged about this before, so I will make this part short, but it got to the point where I was curled in a ball, on the couch, in the dark, crying on and off begging God to make me "normal", because I was convinced I had cancer. Side note-- the strange thing about anxiety that people who don't have it may not understand-- I KNOW my thoughts most of the time are irrational... but guess what?? I can't help it. That is was anxiety disorder is. I would find myself searching for swollen lymph nodes (My dad had lymphoma), looking for sores in my mouth, researching pains I was experiencing in my shins-- convincing myself I had Leukemia. I had hit an all.time.low. I finally forced myself to go into the doctor. I was given medication for depression. Ok. You know those forms you fill out at the doctors office sometimes? Yea. I had all those symptoms of depression. Feels worthless. Sleeps all the time. Thoughts of not wanting to live. But guess what?? My ANXIETY was making me depressed. Those symptoms were a result of my anxiety. It would take a couple more years for me to realize this-- but I wasn't depressed.
Depression and Anxiety are often treated with the same meds. I can't tell you what I was on this first time... I have been on a variety of meds. However, the prescription the Dr. gave me worked. I started feeling the "edge" go away almost immediately. I continued taking these meds for a while... I can't remember when I stopped but there were a couple of times from this diagnosis until Bella died where I would be on meds, then off. At this point, my anxiety was under control.
Then 2007 happened. It started as a great year-- Dan and I got engaged, we had an adorable yellow lab puppy, we bought our new home.... However, November happened. My dad has his stem cell transplant, and Bella was killed. This began a snowball affect of anxiety and tough times in Dan and my life. I could go on and on about little things that added up to help this snowball get bigger.... but needless to say with Elizabeth's death in 2010-- it was an up and down of emotions.
Today-- something as small as feeling guilty about not getting my house clean, or laundry done, etc. can make me feel anxious. It's that perfectionism piece. I feel shame when things aren't "perfect"-- again I know its ok that things aren't-- that isn't the point-- its that feeling of it that I can't control.
I was inspired to write about this today because of a story that a friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning. I think anxiety is something that people think you can control-- just stop worrying-- it has taken my family-- especially Dan-- a while to understand it. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live with someone like me when I am at a low :) I fortunately have had numerous doctors supportive and helpful in treatment and getting me to where I am today where I am able to manage and cope with my anxiety. There are still days where a trigger will make it flare up-- or days where I am feeling on edge and anxious for no apparent reason-- but I have a lot less bad days now-- and somewhat feel "normal."
Here is the link to the article. What Anxiety Actually Is I can relate to 95% of what is discussed here- the funny thing about anxiety is everyone has different triggers. Unlike this article-- sports were the one place I didn't get anxiety. I thrived on the soccer field and think this was one of the places I felt the most safe and happy-- I think it helped me cope growing up with my anxiety :)
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