Ok. To begin... I had a novel written last night-- but somehow ended up deleting it all. I was so mad. I was so proud of my entry... and it got deleted. So... here I go starting over. Hopefully it comes out the same :)
So I have a lot to catch up with. I know I have said this before, but I need to make blogging a priority. I have been able to use my blog to document important events in Brynn's life, as well as helping me heal through difficult times in my life. I have a lot to catch up on. Some of you may enjoy hearing my saga... which would be why you are reading this! So here is what has been happening the last 6 months.
I am a planner. Always have been. I like being in control- and much of my anxiety stems from situations that are out of my control. Ask anyone close to me. Things that change at the last minute, watch out. I have a hard time coping. So, when my plan to have kids that are 3 years apart was not looking like it was going to happen, I had to learn to deal with what I was begin dealt.
Dan and I had decided to start trying for baby #2 in 2013. I was set on Brynn being 3 when we had our second, so we had a few months to get pregnant. Month after month I would hope, and no such luck. Anyone who has spent time trying for a baby knows how easily it can become an obsession. I finally came to peace with the fact Brynn would be older that 3 when (or if) we were able to have a second... and we would keep trying and just see what happens.
As summer ended, I began coaching soccer. It was a nice, healthy distraction. I was sinking everything into the girls, and I loved it. We were having success and I was having fun. However, I hadn't forgotten about my obsession with getting pregnant. Again, anyone who has ever had to try to get pregnant knows when its time to test... you pee on anything and everything :) Ok, not anything, but a lot of POAS. So when I finally saw those 2 pink lines the week before my 30th birthday, I was so excited and scared at the same time. Could this be it FINALLY?! After 6 months of trying, I was finally pregnant?! To be honest, I was most excited about the fact that we were hopefully one step closer to being done. Pregnancy-- is something I need to get through. Of course there are moments that I enjoy... but overall, it's one of the most stressful things I have had to endure.
The next week was my 30th birthday. We beat Hill Murray at Hill, I was pregnant... my 30s were going to be WAY better than my 20's! I had made my Dr. appt, and was just waiting for the day when we would go in, see the little heart beat, and I could relax a little for a few weeks.
As I was waiting for my 8 week appt., I knew that miscarrying was always a possibility. I was ok with that. I could accept that. I was not hoping for it, but it would be a much better situation for a loss than one like Elizabeth. I was also thinking about how similar the timeline was with this pregnancy as it was with Elizabeth. I was due the first week of June-- just like Elizabeth. I found out I was pregnant in Sept.-- just like Elizabeth. I began to think about the timeline, and instead of looking at it as a BAD sign, I decided to look at it as if God was giving us a "re-do." It didn't bother me. It was eerie, but definitely nothing that was bothersome to me.
A week or so went by, and I began to spot. Again, I didn't let myself freak out because I spotted with Brynn, and she is my perfect, healthy angel. It wasn't bad, so I was just assuming it was normal. The spotting however got worse, and became heavier. I began bleeding on the day I had my conference and section meetings for soccer-- great. Meetings I had to go to when all I wanted to do was go home and cry. I put on my game face, went to my meetings, and no one new what I was going through at that moment. I was convinced I was miscarrying. Sad, but yet glad it was still so early. I made an appt to go in.
I had an US and an HCG draw. They weren't able to see anything in my uterus yet-- but said it could be too early. My HCG numbers came back ok, and I was going in for draws to be sure they were going up. My progesterone came back low, so I got a prescription for that, there was still hope. The NP thought the bleeding could have been due to my progesterone levels. I still had hope. I was still pregnant. My HCG counts were doubling.
As time passed, my spotting was very intermittent and wasn't as heavy-- most likely due to the progesterone. I went in for my 2nd ultrasound and more HCG draws. At this point I was about 7 weeks. We should be able to see something in my uterus. U/S happens.... and nothing is there. The U/S tech said my dates could be off, but we were trying. They weren't. Something wasn't right. Meet with NP, she tells me I am miscarrying, and the progesterone is probably what was preventing me from completely miscarrying. I was to stop taking the meds, and miscarry naturally (hopefully). I cried, I was sad, but relieved it was early and nothing worse. I had to coach our Section Semi-Final game that night... and I needed to focus on that.
We won our game, and we were on to the Section Finals on Thursday. I went home, woke up, and headed to work for morning conferences. There were a couple of people here at work who knew what I was going through... I filled them in, but was overall emotionally doing ok. I can handle a miscarriage. I am strong.
As the morning went on, I received a phone call from the NP I had been seeing. I excused myself from my staff meeting to answer, as I thought she was confirming my HCG count dropping and my miscarriage. To my surprise, she was confirming that my HCG counts were still increasing. They were actually above 2000. When they are above 2000, they should see the baby on the U/S.
Gulp. Tears. Ectopic. I knew it. I was scared of this from the beginning. WHY?? Why can I not just be like a normal woman an mourn over a miscarriage?? Miscarriages are most women's worst nightmares, and here I am WISHING I was miscarrying?? That is so messed up. Why do these freak things happen to me? Why does my body fail me? I was Mad. Angry. Pissed. Scared. How did they miss it? They looked for that on the scan!! I walk into our Core room at school and break down. I text my friend Becca to bring me my stuff that was left in the meeting-- I can not walk back in there. I call Dan. I have to go to the clinic in Maplewood-- and St.Johns hospital. Why is this happening?? I have practice in a couple of hours! I need to be there for my girls! What are they going to think if I don't show up to practice the day before our biggest game of the year? What is going to happen?
Becca comes up, we talk. Dan comes and picks me up and we head off to the clinic. We get into the waiting room-- and are surrounded by happy, pregnant moms. I know, I know. Everyone has a story. However, at this point, I can't stand seeing it. Sure enough, ectopic is confirmed via U/S in my right tube. What is an ectopic pregnancy? It is when the egg implants itself into something other than your uterus-- most commonly your fallopian tube. What causes it? Once again... its a freak thing. Seriously. Why can't I have luck when it comes to a freak thing such as winning the lottery? Why BAD freak things. Amniotic Band Syndrome.... Freak thing. I am OVER freak things. I am pissed. How did they miss it? Our tech pointed it to me, plan as day. There was my baby. Ugh. Now what??
I meet with a Dr. that I have never met, and now LOVE. She is so sweet. She held my hand while talking to me about my options, and through my tears. We decided to try and avoid surgery since we had the option. My tube hadn't burst. The way they treat ectopic pregnancies when you aren't having surgery is by a drug called methotrexate. It is a chemo drug. I was going to have to go over to hospital in the chemo area, and get this shot. Of course what else am I thinking of?? My SECTION FINAL GAME. We are playing Hill tomorrow! Will I be ok to go? Dr. says I shouldn't go to the game-- I need to take it easy. I say I have to go. She told me I could sit in the bleachers. Ha. I would "sit" on the bench.
This NIGHTMARE of a day ended and I went home. I just had to take a shot to end my pregnancy that we so badly wanted because of this FREAK accident. I was a ticking time bomb. Even though I had this shot-- it doesn't mean it was going to work. We had to keep an eye on me and make sure I was not having symptoms of my tube rupturing.
I woke up and physically felt ok. I was trying to focus on the game. The biggest game of my career. We win, we go to state. However, emotionally, I am dealing with all of this, and the girls have no idea. I have to put on a strong face. They need me. I need them.
So... as if I was not under enough stress, this game was intense. It was back and forth, raining, and we are down 2-1 with 1 minute left. We are pressuring, pressuring, and BAM. with 27 secs left on the clock... we score to tie the game. Ok. Let's remember I am supposed to be sitting and taking it easy... but really right about now I am jumping up and down screaming, hugging, so excited. Well, we end up losing the game in OT.
I laid low all weekend. I wanted to DIE on Saturday-- so much pain. I had to go to the hospital again or my 2nd blood draw, to check my HCG count. Do that and go back home. Still... I have no idea if the shot worked yet. My cramps are so awful, yet all the side effects of the MTX shot are the same as if your tube ruptures! I called my doc, she said it sounded normal... so I just continued to lay low.
Tuesday was when I went in to get my next draw. This draw would tell me if the shot worked. My apt was at 3-- so I wouldn't find out until the next day. Fast forward to Wednesday... and I hadn't gotten a call! I was so nervous, anxious, and I was at work just waiting to hear if all of this was working. How strange though-- a month ago I was so excited/ had hope of a pregnancy, now I am wishing for it to be done. Its just strange. After some of me being angry at the clinic for not having my counts, and some nice nurses, I get a call back saying my counts dropped.... YES! Now what? I get to go in every Tuesday for an HCG draw until my counts get to 0. More of putting myself around happy pregnant women while I am hoping my pregnancy has been absorbed.
This was when I started to have a better mental picture of everything. Don't get me wrong, I still get pissed this happened when I think about it. However, it was the receptionist at my clinic who I ended up getting very close to, and she and I would chat and she really had some great words. If I am going to be honest, before I talked to her... she looked so perfect. She was probably in her late 40s, pretty, cute clothes, probably has a rich husband, perfect family. I began creating this image all from the way she looked... what?? That is messed up. Now, somehow, after a couple of weeks we began to talk. I explained to her why I was there... and we ended up having so much in common, and this woman had a life far from perfect. She herself struggled with healthy pregnancies, having suffered 4 miscarriages. Her daughter almost died from an ectopic pregnancy that wasn't identified. As we talked and bonded... and I would share with her how hard it is to come in here and see happy pregnant women... she said "remember, everyone has a story." Wow. Those 5 words made such an impact on me-- and she probably has no idea. She was right. Everyone does have a story. Who am I to judge and think that every other women's life is so glamorous and easy? How do I know that the woman sitting next to me is pregnant due to in vitro... and had been trying for so long to get pregnant and couldn't? Here these 5 words still ring in my head... and I bring myself back to them when I begin to go in that direction.
My counts dropped to 0 after about 3-4 weeks. I went in for a follow up scan/ dr. visit in December... and had just gotten over my first AF after having my ectopic. My body was beginning to go back to normal. So, dr. said after one more cycle, we can begin trying again. Which brings us to now. Back in the trying phase-- for the 4th time in my life-- with one healthy child to show. You may wonder if I am scared? I actually am not. We are going to start trying ASAP. At this point, I know crap can happen, and I can't let it control me. If we are able to have another healthy pregnancy, I will feel so blessed. If not, we will cross that bridge when we get there. Every dr. tells me that there is no reason for us... so we will keep praying and trying.
So... I hope all of this makes sense. I began writing this entry almost a week ago... it got long... but it's my story. Yes, I know I probably annoy a lot of you with "negative posts" on facebook and this or that... and I am sorry. Every day I do my best to put on my strong, positive face, but sometimes its just hard. Life can be hard.
This post is pretty personal... and I know most of you had no idea I was pregnant in October. I was ready to share another part of my life story... and hope that maybe someone experiencing a similar experience can gain some insight and know that you are not alone.
