New school year brings a lot of changes. New students, new soccer season, new routines. With all that change, anxiety comes at me full force. For me, change is a trigger. Every school year- a new trimester- I am anxious. For some reason, I just can't completely kick this feeling. Normally 3 weeks into the school year, my anxiety would have leveled out. Right now, as I am typing this, it is in full force. Many who don't experience anxiety probably don't understand. Why are you anxious? What is causing it? That is the thing... it doesn't have to be anything. I try to pin point the cause, but when I think I do- something completely different will trigger it. I hate that I am on edge right now. I hate that I feel like I want to isolate myself. I hate that I feel like I am distancing myself from my husband- not because I want to- but because it is how my body is responding to the anxiety.
Why am I updating my blog now? Well... I really want to continue it because of the amount of people who have reached out to me saying it has helped them through something- also because I have become terrible at documenting things in the girls lives- at least I can continue here and the girls can read about it some day. What is my solution to the anxiety going to be? I think I need to make a Dr. appt. I hate to think I need to increase my meds- not sure if that is an option- but I need to get this under control. All of my energy is being used on my students, and I want to have energy to be involved with my family at home.
If you have never dealt with anxiety- I can't even imagine that- you are so lucky. If you never have dealt with anxiety yourself but care about someone who does- we know a lot of times the things we worry about is irrational. That is what anxiety is. Telling us it is dumb to worry about something will not help or stop us from it- we know a lot of the time it is irrational. Just being there- showing your support and you care- and listening- that is what helps in the moments we need it most.
In other news- the school year has been so great- we are off to a great start and I love my students. Soccer season is also off to a great start- and we are having fun! Brynnie LOVES school- and hasn't skipped a beat. Ella is starting to talk a lot more- and her personality is really starting to show. She loves playing with baby dolls, loves books, loves being outside, and loves copying her big sister. I had a weekend off of soccer and it was so nice yesterday to just spend time with the girls- I am looking forward to also doing that today.
Until next time....
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Brynn's Birthday
Man- I have thought about updating SO MANY times. Poor Ella. Brynn will have her baby book and the blog... I have barely done either for Ella! Those poor second children :)
I have SO MUCH to do tonight as I am leaving for AZ on Wednesday... but feel as though I needed to write tonight. 6 years ago, I had my ultrasound with Elizabeth. Yes, her birthday is on Saturday, but this is the day that rocked me like no other. January 11, 2010, was the worst day of my life. To have such mixed feelings on Brynn's birthday is really hard. I have been really happy celebrating Brynn-- she was my first take home baby, something I thought would never happen after losing Elizabeth. However, I was also heartbroken on this same day. I feel as though writing about Elizabeth is my way to make sure she knows I have not forgotten her. I think of her often, but do even more today. She made me a mom for the first time, and as sit here tonight I am sad thinking about the loss. I still wonder what would have been, not as often, because I wouldn't have my Brynnie, but she would be almost 6 and in Kindergarten. I love you baby girl!
AND then there is my next baby-- Miss Brynn. She is FIVE!!! I have a hard time thinking I am old enough to have a daughter that old. And to think school next year??? She is so ready. She is really enjoying skating-- ballet begins this week, too. We have taken a break from gymnastics for her to try ballet, so we shall see how that goes. She is super girly, yet loves her sports and hiking and exploring with dad. She is really sensitive, caring, and bubbly. Always on the go -- loves to play games and coloring. I feel so lucky to be her mom.
And then there is my Ella Bella. She is still just the happiest little girl! She is beginning to say a lot more words. Loves her sissy, to dance, books, and being chased! She loves to run around and squeal :) She will eat everything and anything- which we always make sure to show Brynn since Brynn is not like that. Both girls just make my heart so full.
I feel like I am always writing the same things about Elizabeth. I don't have anything groundbreaking to say about my time with her or the feelings I have. I just hurt and ache for her today. And like I said, I struggle with that since it is also Brynn's birthday, and I am so happy I have Brynn in my life. Funny how life works and those feelings mess with you. I do know, both girls will know they have a sister in heaven. Brynn is well aware of it and talks about her a lot.
I have SO MUCH to do tonight as I am leaving for AZ on Wednesday... but feel as though I needed to write tonight. 6 years ago, I had my ultrasound with Elizabeth. Yes, her birthday is on Saturday, but this is the day that rocked me like no other. January 11, 2010, was the worst day of my life. To have such mixed feelings on Brynn's birthday is really hard. I have been really happy celebrating Brynn-- she was my first take home baby, something I thought would never happen after losing Elizabeth. However, I was also heartbroken on this same day. I feel as though writing about Elizabeth is my way to make sure she knows I have not forgotten her. I think of her often, but do even more today. She made me a mom for the first time, and as sit here tonight I am sad thinking about the loss. I still wonder what would have been, not as often, because I wouldn't have my Brynnie, but she would be almost 6 and in Kindergarten. I love you baby girl!
AND then there is my next baby-- Miss Brynn. She is FIVE!!! I have a hard time thinking I am old enough to have a daughter that old. And to think school next year??? She is so ready. She is really enjoying skating-- ballet begins this week, too. We have taken a break from gymnastics for her to try ballet, so we shall see how that goes. She is super girly, yet loves her sports and hiking and exploring with dad. She is really sensitive, caring, and bubbly. Always on the go -- loves to play games and coloring. I feel so lucky to be her mom.
And then there is my Ella Bella. She is still just the happiest little girl! She is beginning to say a lot more words. Loves her sissy, to dance, books, and being chased! She loves to run around and squeal :) She will eat everything and anything- which we always make sure to show Brynn since Brynn is not like that. Both girls just make my heart so full.
I feel like I am always writing the same things about Elizabeth. I don't have anything groundbreaking to say about my time with her or the feelings I have. I just hurt and ache for her today. And like I said, I struggle with that since it is also Brynn's birthday, and I am so happy I have Brynn in my life. Funny how life works and those feelings mess with you. I do know, both girls will know they have a sister in heaven. Brynn is well aware of it and talks about her a lot.
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