Let's start with Ella. My heart is so full everyday. Ella is such a doll, and between her and Brynn, I thank God daily. I am so blessed and can't believe I am fortunate enough to be a mom to them. I know it will get even deeper as Ella starts showing her personality... and her and Brynn begin playing with each other.
Ella is cooing and smiling a ton, and has rolled over from tummy to back. She is super strong-- always wanting to sit up. She is starting to drool a ton, so teething I think is going to be starting! She likes her nuk, which Brynn never used, so we will see if that continues. That will be new territory for us!
My maternity leave is up on March 16.... can't believe that is 2 months away. However, I have been fortunate to be able to request an extension to my leave... and have requested to take off the rest of the school year!! It hasn't been board approved yet, but hopeful it will be! I so miss the routine and my co-workers... but am SO looking forward to enjoying this time with Ella and Brynn... because it goes so fast, and it will be the last time going through it. Between Jamberry taking off for me, and my budget master husband.... this is what is allowing me to take all this time off. We may not get to buy fancy things, or go on vacations, or remodel parts of our 80s home, but that time will come eventually. I would rather have this time with my kiddos :)
The week of Brynn's birthday is always emotional-- this year it was more so than ever. Brynn has always known about Elizabeth. We talk about her. We include her in conversations. Brynn is now getting to the age where she asks a lot of questions about her. She tells me she misses her a lot. (She also tells me she misses Jesus when we tell her Elizabeth is with Jesus). I have Elizabeth's footprints in a heart mold on my dresser, and Brynn knows they are hers, and often likes to touch them.
January 16 was 5 years since Elizabeth's birth. I have such a hard time believing that. Time is so strange. The time leading up to my Jan 11 ultrasound in 2010 seemed to take forever. The time of healing and until I was pregnant with Brynn seemed to take forever. My pregnancy with Brynn seemed to take forever. The time we were trying to get pregnant after Brynn seemed to take forever. Yet, the last 5 years have flown by. How is that possible? I knew I had a disc of pictures from the day of Elizabeth's birth. They were in my sock drawer. I had been thinking that I would look at them on her birthday-- I hadn't looked at her pictures since right after she was born. Brynn really wanted to see her sister, so i decided she could look at her pictures with me.
It is amazing what time does-- to your memories-- how your mind knows to block things out to protect your heart, and to help you get through awful times. When I was looking at her pictures, I forgot how red she looked. How teeny tiny she looked. I was 20 weeks pregnant, so she was just about a pound. How perfect her feet and hands looked. How the hat the hospital put on her drowned her, since she was so tiny. It also made it real again. It is so strange going through something like this. I often find myself thinking "it wasn't a big deal. I was only 20 weeks pregnant. Some women carry to full term and go through this. Some people have been through worse." WHy do I do that? I again think its a way my mind protects itself. These pictures made it real again, and made those feelings I had come to the surface. I have been feeling not-myself since her birthday, just sad. I think it is because some of those feelings have re-surfaced. I also have found myself getting angry at things people say about pregnancy, and birth. Having a child is such a blessing, and I just think some people take it for granted. I had always wanted 3-4 kids, and now will be having 2 because of my history. I am ok with that, and SO thankful for 2 perfect, healthy kids. I feel selfish sometimes for having 2.
I realized I never posted a picture of Elizabeth. I decided now is the time to introduce the world to her. I chose one of my most favorite pictures of her. Her little feet with our hands.
